Wednesday, October 29, 2008
WE R BACK FOR A NEW SEASON 2009 aka "So few incites, so much time!"
We had an awesome summer staying at DICK MOTTA'S Bed and Breakfast The Bluebird Inn!! We stayed in the "Unseld Suite" whioch is like the other suites except warm tears instead of choclolates on the pillows!!! Dick was a great host. He cooked a mean breakfast and told us great stories about the championship bullets days!! Coach says he misses those days but not so much since he took on Greg Ballard as a caretaker for the inn. Greg has minor housekeeping duties and terrifying, bloody preminitions about madness and murder in the Blue Bird hallways. So we were late getting back to Circuit City and then found the mothering hut closed because of an employyee suicide, but thats all been cleaned up now. Plus we had some homework over the summer to finish, like write a report on Gheorghe's new book (we listened to Sean Penn read tha audiobook version!) and beta-testing the new Steve Buckhantz website and cashing our Jeopardy! royalty check and playing "chest" and "analizing" life with our boy Demarr Johnson aka $young slim$ and testifying at the DeBarge trial and breaking down the Wiz playbook for ESPN. It was One crazy summer!
But it was even crazier for the Wiz players! Many of them sent home XRays from camp!!
We are still catching up on all the news, but one thing we can tell u about was.....
the WIZARDS AWESOME PRESEASON TRIP TO EUROPE!!!!!
Thats because wizznutzz Eurpean intern AUgust Strindberg joined the team for the trip! August sent in am awesome report about the trip:
No matter where you go, there you are, in a filthy Belgian youth hostel, your bog catchers at your ankles, awash in a corporeal stink of the bloody flux -Sent from my iPhone
We didnt learn much from this message but August was happier after he took the ferry to Calais and loaded up his rental with dutyfree smokes and then met up with IVAN CARTER, and the lads grabbed a couple Eurail passes for a 10 day european bromance neither man will ever forget! Bicycles, baguettes, baked beans and SkyTV! seeing the sites! It was just like the movie Before SUnrise but with even more regret, pasty selfabsorbtion and wretchedly overrought dialogue!!
Their first stop was the country called "FRANCE" - France!!! its the home of the Pom Noissette!!!!!!!!
The Wizards had an off day in France and explored the culture:
CARON BUTLER had heard about all the great wines of france and so Tuff Juice was very excited to get a personal tour of one of worlds most famous wineries : CHATEAU DIANA, maker of "Chateau Diana WHite ZInfandel Wine Product" - the best selling urban wine according to the Association of North American Delis Owners, and a gold medalist in the 2007 "extreme-value" division and recipient of 92 points by famous wine critic D'Sean Little of Wine Bomb magazine!!! Then, on a tip from his old pal Kwame Brown, Caron headed to a real French Dressing tasting in Burgundy!!!! He even got to crush the mayo fruits wth his bare feet like they did in traditional times!!!!
Meantime DEE BROWN enjoyed his time doing regular touristy stuff like climbing the "Eiffel Tower" and eating cheese pancakes and drinking Xpressos and force feeding geese and getting high at Phil Cheniers grave at Pere Lachaise Cemetry. But it was rookie JaVale McGee aka THE VALE OF CASHMERE who had the ultimate "local" experience: he got raped by Gerard Depardieu!!!!!!
AFter France the team headed over for some fun in the sun in "ITALY"!!!!! Home of pizzas and almond formica bedroom sets and "the italian siesta"!!
Club rat ANDRAY BLATCHE just loved it - he was out at all the top clubs, partying with leggy strangers, rolling VIP at MC Miker's "CLub Vacanza!", throwing back Campari and Herpes. And When AB finally dragged himself out of bed he hit the shops: Valentino, Armani, Papa Johns... and he picked up some dynamite souvenirs: sweet velvet portraits of "the Italian Abe Lincoln" for his crib he got at the San Lorenzo Market in Florence!!!
Meantime NICK YOUNG clowned around on a lemon Vespa, and took time out to visit the Best Buy in Villiers-le -Bel on Tuesday, when the European DVD releases com out! Hollywood left with an armful of movies, including the remake of Herzog's Aguirre, der Zorn Gotte, season 5 of Allo Allo, the Nacho Arenas dub of Beauty Shop and the hi-larious Jerry Lewis Nazi death camp farce: The Day the Clown Cried!!!!
Not all the players took in the culture tho. OLEKSIY PECHEROV stayed in his hotel the whole time. "I never leave hotel. I don't trust the local men of Europe one piece. I see the movie Talented Mr. Ripken. Have you seen this? If I leave hotel I talk to man who is charming, knows all his words, reads the menus nice, is brown and wonderful and next I know I am dead at bottom of sea and Mister Ripken is in my hotel wearing my own bathrobe pretending he is me calling Mr Czaban at late hours for talking love"
The team never went to AMSTERDAM - they were 2 afraid DerMarr Johnson would defect - but AUgust Strindberg sez they arent missing anything and that the whores these days are "greviously educated and clean"
Speaking of whores, they did swing by "LONDON" where The Sun reported Coach Jordan "tipped generously" on the Jack The Ripper Tour (he went 3 times iun a row and thinks he is close to solving one of the crimes!) and Coach was also spied scooping up discounted "Jane Goody, Shh...." perfume for the wife at Heafrow Aireport Duty Free
AFter London the Team took a bus to GERMANY. First they went by The Berlin Wall. Which was a little disappointing but Etan Thomas got to address the crowd during a Jesus Jones Unity COncert. Turns out they have Jesus Jones Unity COncerts three times every day but it was still an honor. After he spoke a young German looked up at Etan and said "Du bist gross!" ("You are big!") and everyone laughed. Then the young man looked up at Oleksiy Pecherov and asked: "Haben Sie Haar auf Ihren Schenkeln, milch mann?" and everyone laughed, except for Big Oily who did not laugh and only said quietly to himself "I should never have leave Hotel"
Etan later confronted some performing mimes at the train station and told them: "my brothers your faces may look white but you wear the grease paint that oils the machine of your post-colonial inferiority complex which is real glass box you find yourself stuck in" then he tossed copies of Franz Fanon's "Back Skin, WHite Masks" and Martin Lawrence's "Black Knight" into their tip hat
Then there was a two hour layover in a SPAIN train station where a few friendly locals organized an unsanctioned "running of the bulls" for the players, and then the boyz said goodbye to Antonio Daniels who had paid $4000 to an Aborigine called 'Amadeus' who he met in a bar who promised to give him an "authentic Walkabout tour" of Austria, and then the team all flew off to final stop of the trip, LITHUANIA!!!!!
Last we heard about Lithuania was when we reported on former Wiz baller Tyrone 'TNEZ' Nesby who moved to Lithuania and dropped the IMF financed euro-hit "My Life" and blew up as a rap megastar and spokesman for 40/40 Pork Water(tm). Well when he heard his boyz were coming to town Vilinius' Most Notorious left the studio and rolled down Darius Songalia Memorial BLVD to pick them up personally. As he drove them around he got waived through checkpoints and told them how he's bigger than ever since he brokered a truce between Lithaunian Gangs and the powerful mafia family Seimos Lygino Asilas aka The Family of The Iron DOnkey. He showed them a brand new, up all night Lithuania, where anything is possible, thanks to all the Lacto-dollars that flooded into the coutry thanks to EU farm subsidies. There so much money in Lithuania nowdays that rich young turks finding crazy ways to spend it, like converting YUGO PHANTOMS to biodiesel (hey T Boone, half smokes burn clean: good for environm,ent and checkbook!) and one mayor who paid 2 million dollars to fly in Reggie Theus to captain his celebrity ballers league team. Turns out like Jerry Lewis is to france, Reggie Theus is to Lithuania!! Hang-Time, putting it on the line!!!!
But when the fun was over the boys came back America and to Washington and to "Haterville USA" !!!!
LOts of people nervous with Gils injuries and new contract , and they think Abe Pollin just gave 200 hundred dollars to a guy in parking lot for a big brown cardboard box that says "Expensive Brand Hi-Fi Video Camera Inside" written on the side in magic marker. I understand you are worried but this is Gilbert Arenas so you understand even if that cardboard box is empty, you can have some hella fun with an empty cardboard box!!!! Like you can make it to a fort, or draw racecar controls on it, or hide from your wife in it. A cardboard box is as fun as your imagination makes it and isnt it better Abe throws his legacy at fun instead of angry mvps and health plans for the line cooks at velocity Grill? What velocity grill been closed for years? Exactly right!
Welcome to the new season! Hop on the comments and tell us a fun thing we can do with this cardboard box!
And all our loyal readers, please enjoy:
SPECIAL START OF SEASON SALE AT THE MOTHERING HUT!!! We worked Mike Westbrook xtra hard all summer and loaded up some serious sweet new fashionzzz..