Oleksiy Pecherov is goin fishin!!! Longtime readers know that every summer is a fishing trip tradition down south with Christian Laettner (Captain) and Jared Jeffries (Rods n Reels) and Peter John Ramos (Human Chum Scoop). Well this summer they are down two men!!!! Jared Jefferies has decided to stay in New York this summer cuz he has busy plans ever since he moved into a loft in Williamsburg Brooklyn with those It Kids THE MISSHAPES. Suddenly JJ aint got time for his old buddies fishing trip! No hes too busy thrifting and DJing and curating polaroid shows and removing Geordon Nicols hand from his thigh and being Grand Marshall at this years Pabst Blue Ribbon Big Wheel Invitational at McCarren Park Pool and modelling Imitation of Christs new Big & Tall line on area runways.
Party John? Oh he had his license revoked by Department of Fish & Game for strangling a dolphin with his bare hands.
Im too cool 4 skool! Right now Im standing in the vomit of an American Apparel model!!!!
Dont hate me because Im beautiful!
Nick Young & Andray Blatche: Summer League is when the basketball season really starts for Big Dray! These guys have both made committment to bulking up and living healthy this offseason so they r kicking of the summer by hosting an huge 80s Fitness Party at Tyson Sport & Health Club!!! Biz markie will DJ the aerobics, with Jane Fonda's Prime Time Workout on the big screens, while the players and guests tone down in day-glo spandex, cream tights and leg warmers!
Antonio Daniels will be teaching Jive as a Second Language at Wheaton College! Way to give back Brown Hornet!!
Roger Masonwill follow a long tradition of DC free agents and sign with Detroit! Also following tradition, he has to spend his rookie year in Detroit driving Ben Wallace's 1997 Honda Accord (still tricked out with in-dash Playstation One console!)
Darius SOngalia will spend his summer playing for the Lithuanian Olympic team in CHina!!Li-Town!!! Chi-town!! Pride!!! SARS!!! Nick Young puts in an order for 40 tubes of "that 99 cent Colgate they got at the Duty Free." The team fails to get to the medal round but Songalia spends his free time running Ma-Jong games in Beihai Park where his wiley skillz earn him the nickname Baitu ('The White Rabbit') among locals.
Speaking of travels... to show his thanks for a breakout season,Brendan Haywood takes shooting coach Dave Hopla on 6-week Eurorail trip!!! When they hit Amsterdam, Hopla takes in the legalized prostitutes, open-air jazz clubs, sets a cafe record for huffing 307 consecutive skunk bowls and announces "Oh God Ive wasted my life!!!!!!" Re-dedicates himself to coaching young American backpackers on their joint-rolling technique.
Caron Butler donates an undisclosed organ to Abe Pollin!
A busy offseason for Gilbert ARenas! In an effort rehab his knee 'responsibly' Agent Zero scales back his physical conditioning to appropriate levels: running two-a-days with the Lithuanian Olympic team, and sprinting up and down the Lincoln memorial steps each morning naked with a parachute on his back and cinder blocks strapped to his thighs. Gil camps out in front of the Towson Best Buy to be first in line for the DVD release of Gnome Named Gnorm. When picked up by Ernie Grunfeld to discuss his new contract, Gil, fresh off playing 50 straight hours of Grand Theft Auto IV, forgets where he is and carjacks Ernie at knifepoint!Barack Obama tries to distance himself for Gil when Defense Department reconnaissance photos reveal Gazo The Pranksta's animation studios in North Korea receiving delivery of Uranium centrifuges. Gil decides to take up yoga in the offseason. Flips a coin to decide between Ashtanga and Bikram. Heads: Ashtanga, Tails: Bikram. Coin comes up Tails. Gil chooses Ashtanga. When he discovers "Puzzling At Altitude", "Plotting The Takeover"" and "Accessing The Hollywood" are not real yoga poses, he organizes a squad of rival Bikram students and leads a no-mercy paintball raid against his yoga class.
Dominic McGuire is invited on Entertainers with Byron Allen. Byron actually thinks he has booked Dominic Monaghan but D-Mac, being a true professional, never lets on, and patiently answers Byron's questions about dating Evangeline Lilly, the difficulties of acting in large rubber Hobbit feet and even teaches Byron how to do a Manchester accent!
Etan Thomas spends the summer as a fellow at New Hampshire's prestigious Macdowell Colony for writers, where he causes something of a stir. Fellow resident Carolyn Forche stuns friends when she returns from the colony wearing a West African mud-cloth sarong and releases Blue Hour 2: The Skin Trumpeter - a work of free verse urban erotica about a middle-aged poet who is sexually awakened by the dark charms and strong hands of Taj, a West African slave reincarnated as the owner of a Harlem jazz club.
Antawn Jamison forgets he is still wired for TNTs "Mic'ed Up" segement and all summer long we get to hear him singing along to Richard Marx in the elevator, drunk dial Susan O'Malley, and test new nicknames on his family ("OK from now on y'all gotta' call me 'The Go' when we go out. You kids gotta call me that too, I don't wanna' hear no more 'Dad' business- it's THE GO from now on and we all gonna' be on board for this and that's just the way it's gonna' be").
DeShawn Stevenson finally shaves his beard, and gets a new tattoo that says "BEARD" where his beard used to be. DeShawn has a long summer to develop his trash. Lotta people been slamming DeShawn Stevenson for letting his wild brain take a walk in his mouth this season, saying his breath blow brassier than Fred Wesley and that LeBron put that brass in pocket cuz he is nothing but a Pretender. And these are mostly the same people who said we should have never signed DeShawn and we should have thrown those pesos at the man they call 'La Bomba' ('The Sardine'), aka Juan Carlos Navarro, but be careful what you wish for armchair analists, because DeShawn earned every last penny as an entertainer and that counts for alot and things could have been much worse as you will see in this timeline of the alternate universe in which we signed the Spanish Junker:
October: JCN and Anderson Verejao make friendly bet on who can go the longest without bathing.
December: Begins blogging for El Mundo, where he admits he is dating Joy Behar.
January: Appears in an episode of the telenovela Tierra de Pasiones as a grape farmer with an eye patch and a mysterious past.
February: Video of an impromptu drinking contest with veteran matador Jose Ortega Cano becomes small youtube hit in Spain.
Throws a Don Juan themed birthday bash at Club Love. JCN and his entourage turned away by doormen for being underdressed, spend rest of the evening by the hot dog cart in their Ed Hardy party shirts catcalling women.
March: Verejao bet begins to take toll: JCN misses 12 games due to 'mange'.
Claim that Mussolini was 'underrated' earns a 2 game suspension.
April: Fined by league for making offensive and elaborate "Chupe Mantequilla de mi Culo" gesture at Daniel Gibson during Game One. Gibson responds "With Juan Carlos it is kind of funny. If I had anything to say to Juan it would be like Fat Joe saying something bad about Menudo. There's no comparison. Enough said." For Game 3, JCN flies in former Menudo members Fernando and Nefty Sallaberry to sit courtside. The Sallaberry brothers get drunk and are ejected in the 2nd period for exposing themselves to Dominique Dawes.
JCN reveals he lied about his age on his immigration papers and is in fact 43 years old. As punishment, the NBA voids the Kwame Brown/Caron Trade. Wizards are swept.
AS FOR US WIZZNUTZZ????
Well Jaarko has spent enuff summers chopping onion as Herring Boy at the Borga Segelsallskap Yacht Club and this year is off to be counselor at Aava Camp! Go Jaarko!!! He will be teaching the kids to tie nooses and how to identify different meats in the wild. But before all that responsibilites comes the first night when older counselors get happy drunk and make new friends! Jaarko sends us a picture!!
Meantime August Strindberg is 'devastated' by exciting news that he will be hired as script supervisor for new Charles Oakley cooking show CAFE OAK!!! Besides his job of injecting turgid gravity into O-Towns cheffin' banter, August will also provide comic relief in a small recurring cameo as an angry butcher!!!!
As for me I will spend next few weeks back in Saginaw trying to find a vet for my mothers handyman lover Jerry W. Wilkins. Sad part is Jerry doesnt even have any pets but the things a boy will do for his mama!!!
We will also be here from time to time to change the sawbust in Kens box and we also have some exciting Mothering Hut fashions to bring you so stay safe, stay close, stay pliant!!