The PGA Tour had a big event this week. NO not the Masters, not THAT PGA Tour THIS ONEBUT it was the Wiz Big Three, who have performed together less this year than the goddamed FUGEES, who walked away wearing the GREEN JACKET!!!!!
Also In the pocket of the green jacket they found Wally Szczerbiak's gameworn copy of Sun Tzu's The Art of War. We knew it was Wallys cuz it said "This is Wallys Book" written in pen along with his address. He had also written stuff all over the margins of the pages of the book, things like:
"Dont GET IT????"
"but they didnt have WALKIE TALKIES BACK THEN"
"I thought I smelled fear once but was just Scalabrine eating hardboiled egg"
"Situational Positioning - if have to fight way off bus of elderly people, remember -- save strength for the driver!"
AGENT ZERO IS BACK and everyone is getting their adult onesies in a knot about how it will be hard to "work Gilbert back into the mix"
NO IT WONT!
It will be like working Magnus ver Magnusson back into a tug of war team.
It will be like working Max Mosely back into a pair of crotchless Waffen-SS black leather uniform pants!!!!
It will be easiest thing in world, cuz Gil is back, SHAVED and DANGEROUS, he has had plenty of time to drive the interstates alone and have dark thoughts contemplating the existential coin we all hold from birth and how easy it is to change yo reality 4 ever with one little flip.
Hey we all have those thoughts, like when u r driving and think how you could just jerk the wheel into a tree, or when you r talking to a real pretty girl and u just get urge to slap her for no reason. These thoughts r common in man. Carl Jung thought so, thats why he started wearing overalls later in life. Plus Gil has progressive case of ASPERGERS SYNDROME which is what makes his behaviour so divinely innappropriate. We shouldnt not make him feel bad for these behaviours we should encourage them I say. There is a prophecy that has been spoken that all htese trials are leading to a purpose that is foretold, all leading up to game 7 of CAVs vs WIZ in playoffs, and Queen James at the line down by one and Gil walks up behind him and says "if you miss these its over" then just cold yanks LeBrons shorts right down to the floor and somewhere way up in 400 section a pale man in a beard and robes yells out in a finnish accent "HEY TINY!!!!"
ANY one esle think Nick Young looks like a guy from a DON MARTIN cartoon??? With his always open mouth and long dragging arms and akimbo legs.
WE were very proud to hear last week that our good friend uncle BRAM WEINSTEIN got a job at ESPN! Big time BRAM!
He will get nationwide exposure plus unlke WTEM he will get paid in money.
a WIZZNUTZZ ESPN REALITY SHOW IS JUST A MATTER OF TIME!!!! Jimmy Oliver is already oiling a foosball table in a loft somewhere on the anacostia waterfront!!!!
WIzznutzz have a long special history with Bram. He was first to discover wizznutzz, he found us sleeping in the Bugle Boy display at Tysons and four weeks later he made a "Deal 2 Heal" with us that if we put on clothes he would put us on the radio
We have been on many times since but Ken beatrice taped over the cassettes with his field recordings of birds (sounded like crying children to me but whatever)
BUT we still have these mp3 for you of WIZZNUTZZ first ever appearance on BRAM WEINSTEIN SHOW!
This is vintage stuff. This is great lost Geocities dayz for wizznutzz!!
Keep an ear out for Tony K sidekick NIGEL STERNE's awesome racist asian impressions!!!
Bram has been vague in interviews about what his job will be at ESPN but he told us privately that he has been hired as a "FIXER" - a guy who makes problems "disappear", like a cross between Michael Clayton and Mr Wolf and Jeff Probst. Doing stuff like misc. security, filling espy gift bags, deleting those pictures from John Claytons hard drive, cleaning the anti-semitic graffiti off the Ernie Grunfeld fathead in the coffee lounge, locating a discrete medical spoecialist for Chris Berman, laughing at Stu Scotts "Raisin Bram" jokes, locking Linda Cohn in a room with a bucket, towels and cold soup and getting her off heroin.
Dave McKenna is chief edutainment scrivner for the Washington City PAper and also the emo Tom Knott and also one of our favorite ink swingers and thats because he drops incites like he was flipping hot wishing bisuits into the reflecting pool!!! TAKE A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE!
Its great writing and its all about THE FAILED STATE formerly know as CHris Webber
Our favorite part is where he says the words "wimp soul maven Chico DeBarge" (dont say them out loud it might be a spell!!!!)
ANd Dave also reminds us that the now infamous night down by the TGI Fridays parking lot with Chico and Rod wasnt some Paul SImon song you imagined in the brain, but a generation changing event most true with its bottle play and humid threats and forced cuddles and BOOM it happened on September 11 2001 no less!!!! which is why August Strindberg always wears that "We Will Never Forget" pin when hes on "Rome Is Burning"
BY now you have read all about DESHAWN STEVENSONs 80s THEMED BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!
It was awesome, they had Biz Markie DJing and Rubiks toys and costumes and everything!
These were our favorite costumes:
-Also good was Roxanne Roberts as THE REAL ROXANNE and Coach Eddie Jordan as Sinbad complete with vintage mustard yellow ZUBAZ!
-Assistant Coaches Mike O'Koren and Dave Hoopla as Alphaville!!
-Best Costume: Phil Chenier and Steve Buckhantz as "Webster" and "M'aam" !!!
We had a great time!!! But not as great as Olesky Pecherov who spent half the night with his hands down Erin Grays pantsuit!!
Biz Markie has been everywhere in DC these days. From those Eastern Motors ads, to celeb turns at Carons and DeSahwns birthday bashes, and then courtside on ESPN TV this week!!! Why so much Biz u ask? Its because he was made Minority Owner of the Wizards by Abe Pollin last month!!!!! Biz was suprised as anyone, especially since he is broke.
But Abe was determined:
"I still respect you Biz" said Abe
then he said "Let me ask you what do you think of Jimmy Carter?" "You mean the old president Jimmy Carter" "I mean the old Jew-hater Jimmy Carter" "Can't say I think anything of him sir" "Youre hired son. Wesly will show you to your room"
Joel Kimmel has incites of his own, only he paints them!!!! Hes a great painter too. He smoked chuck close in the 40 at the art combine!!!
His latest masterpiece is a portrait of CARON BUTLER which he made from his art and from paints of nacho gold
Joel does portraits of tons of ballers. Our other fave is of ANDREW BOGUT aka 'THE FATAL SHORE'