Tuesday, February 12, 2008
The Inmates at the Saginaw Correctional Facility are breathing a big sigh of relief!!!
And our very own Darvin Ham is feeling as smashing as a backboard these days and its because his very own moms, former Saginaw Mayor, Wilmer Jones Ham-McZee MacBeth, WALKED FREE!!!!
For those of you who have been hiding in the bushes outside Bram Weinsteins bedroom for the last year, here is a recap of the sordid, hi-steaks, sensational tabloid trial of Mrs Ham-McZee, a trial we like to call
THE BURNING MA'AM FESTIVAL
(also we like to call it HAM SCAM!)
WHile nation has been gripped today watching another celebrity trial, aka Old Man Congress Vs The Palpable Mass, there has been a shockingly similar legal battle going on in Saginaw for the past many moons.
If you are new to this scandal, heres a brilliantly reported video catching you up on everything to date. Im not sure who made it but its the kinda groundbreaking journalism Charlie Rose could still be making if he hadnt quit the booze and touching.
OK then so here the timeline:
It all Started One year Ago...
Jones Ham was charged with felonies of ARSON and FRAUD for being accused of burning her '86 Mercedes just to collect the insurance moneys!!
Hey it was a big stakes crime for Saginaw!
I mean do you know the blue book value on an 86 mercedes with miles and fire damage???
'Hey Applebees waitress, can i see the wine list please!'
Wilmer Jones Ham says "IM NOT GUILY! I WANT MY DAY IN COURT! I DARE U TO LOCK ME UP! I AINT AFRAID OF YOUR LADY SHOWERS! I CAN BENCH PRESS MY WEIGHT IN CHILI"
Wilmer's longtime handyman, Jerry W. Wilkins, is arrested!! The Deus ex machina wore overalls!!! J-Wilks starts to talk and he tells a tale about falling asleep in the backseat of the Benz with a pail of petrol and a smoldering Kool. Then he changes story to how he was trying to smoke out some possums that had moved into the car then he changes story again to say fire business all started when he tried to warm up an old half smoke in the cars cigarette lighter. (Mercedes didnt install the automatic halfsmoke safety eject until 92 son!)
THIS WAS ALL SUSPICION CENTRAL, BUT NOT AS SUSPICIOUS AS...
while out on BOND Wilmer marries Curtis McZee, the Scottish music video director and Deacon at the Ham church, and, as uncovered first here, a BAILBONDSMAN for J & J Bail Bonds, Inc.
Deacon AND a bailbondsman? Get that man a reality show!
THE TRIAL BEGINS!
The trial brings out lots of passions and predjudices, like race for example.
Ham-McZee says she was victrim of "Hate Crime" and
Rev. Roy Manning, pastor of Saginaw's Corinthian Missionary Baptist Church, said this was a ''black witch hunt'' orchestrated by the ''good ol' boys in Saginaw County.''
The Good Ole Boys in Saginaw County?!?!?!?! hey Rev Rov have u had a look at saginaw census recently? Theres not too many good ole boys left!! Maybe u mean the Pacific Islanders? The census says you have 12 of them. Actually its only nine. 3 of them are really Dominicans who filled out the form wrong. And from what we hear YOU are the good ole boys now cuz the Pacific Islanders are the ones being treated like 3rd class citizens and they live in total fear. Those 9 islanders are from 2 nice, hardworkin' families who moved to Sagniaw to run a carpet store but the county government has accused them of being members of the 'SOS', aka the 'Sons of Somoa' gang, and they have been harrassed on all sides, from having sale of taro root banned to rugby declared a 'devil sport' to everyday the local citizens yelling at them across the street "hey go home volcano face" and kids singing "Papeeter, Papeeter, Papaya Eater!!"
The trial also brought to durface hard questions about LOVE, POWER, CLASS, BETRAYAL
In three hours of conflicting testimony, the onetime handyman to former Saginaw Mayor Wilmer Jones Ham McZee denied torching her 1986 Mercedes-Benz and said she pressured him into admitting he did.
Jerry W. Wilkins, 51, revealed that he and Ham McZee once had a romantic relationship and said he signed a typed confession that she handed him because "she told me to."
"I would never do nothing to hurt her," Wilkins said. "She treated me like a mother."
(Ham) showed up at his house and asked him to sign an affidavit attesting that he accidentally set the blaze.
"PLEASE MRS HAM FORGIVE ME!!! " WITNESS: Curtis McZee!
What a sad place for this simple, kind handyman, a poor mans Kato Kaelin, who is taken in by his boss lady and get emotionally dependent on her and becomes her lost, tender puppet. Then Lady McZee McBeth busts in and is all:
I have given suck, and know How tender 'tis to love the babe that milks me: I would, while it was smiling in my face, Have pluck'd my nipple from his boneless gums, And dash'd the brains out, had I so sworn As you have done to this.
aka HANDYMAN UP wilkins! she yells. and He yells back crying: "MacBeth I hear you calling" and signs away his good name!
THIS is really just like the Roger Clemens Brian McNamee thing!!!
Think about it, a powerful, famous figure, a simple errandboy who goes to work for his idol and gets foolishly caught up in some shady biz, then tries to defend himself, then has emotional world collapses when he is forced to side against his idol and employer, then cries "forgive me , Ill Sign It, Ill go to jail for you!"
Its true its the same! like bizarro version. If Wilmer had named her son "Karvin" Ham instead of Darvin then basically the symmetry would be chillingly complete!
"IS YOUR HEDGE TRIMMER LEAKING OR ARE U JUST HAPPY 2 SEE ME???"
Then the trial really heats up with this shocking confession!!!!!
Toward the end of his testimony, Special Prosecutor Michael S. Wolsh asked Wilkins if he had a romantic relationship with Ham McZee.
"Do I have to answer that question?" a hesitant Wilkins asked.
Wilkins said the relationship occurred when he rented a room across the street from Ham McZee before she married Curtis McZee this May.
so THATS what Wilkins meant when he said:
he was sitting in the back seat of the Mercedes smoking a cigarette, waiting for Ham McZee to return home so he could trim her shrubs
Hey Wilkins, you smoke the cigarette AFTER u trim the ladies shrubs!
Ahhhh... there is nothin like the forbidden, fumbling, pre-trial passion between a powerful mother figure and her mother-figure-loving surrogate man-son. SOmebody call Merchant Ivory!
But in the end WILMER GETS OFF WITH COMMUNITY SERVICE!!!!
They didnt say what the community service will be tho.
Maybe she can go door to door in saginaw countin the white people. Maybe she can talk to young Pacific Islanders about the dangers of the gangsta lifestyle. Maybe she can spend time glueing pennies to the bottom of the town fountain. Or maybe she can be put to work at the Saqinaw zoo trying to get the towns 3-legged tiger back into its cage.
I hope u dont think she got off light. You think 3 legged tiger is not dangerous? You crazy cause 3-leggers are MORE dangerous than regular tiger . Thats what diabetes does to tiger. Makes em angry. Never heard of diabetes in a tiger? Well i guess u never been to a zoo that feeds the animals stuffed-crust pizzas and starburst!
Hop on the comments free people and give us you community service suggestions!!!