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Monday, October 29, 2007
 
NBA SEASON PREVIEW -- PART ONE!!!!

Wizznutzz intern August Strindberg (now on Wikipedia!!!) spent the offseason leading the Jämtland Vermod in the Swedish celebrity "And Nil" summerball league.

He has returned, having looked deep inside himself and, I think you will agree, unearthed a new personal low!

Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!



As each new NBA season approaches, I spend one long night and day riding my decrepit nag around the outskirts of Norra Begravningsplatsen -- around and around, again and again, until the nag is lathered and I am moreso.

Simpleminded Swedes -- which describes the entirety of my countrymen -- laugh and scoff, hurling accusations of futility. Futility? Futility is their life of milking and plucking. Futility is Ronnell Taylor and Jonas Hayes in an off-Broadway revival of "Mame" (though actually their performances turned out to be something of a revelation to this old critic).

Nay, there is nothing futile about this midnight ride. For when my nag collapses with exhaustion and gout, and I stumble home in the dawn gloaming, I know clarity awaits. The ride was only a prelude. The important thing is what the ride has left behind -- that is, what the ride has left upon my behind. For I undertake this ride clad in my soiled overcoat and nothing more, my buttocks bare against the bristling back of my sandpapery nag.

The friction is quite invigorating and abrasive. And once I have stumbled home and am huddled by the firelight, I peer upon my constellation of sores, a Rorschach in rashes, and in these runes I read THE FATE OF THE NBA SEASON TO COME.


WHAT TO LOOK FOR

Ira Newble. The Wondering Jew continues to wonder: "Why don't I ever play?"
ANTI-SEMITISM. The Papists got Sam Jacobsen, and they'll get you too.
Beware the prickly-thighed albino! A.K.A. Drew Gooden!


WHAT TO LOOK FOR

David Wesley. Where is he? Seriously, I'm not sure. Perhaps he is in a dank seaside town somewhere, weeping into a bowl of steel-cut oats, still wearing last night's goulash. Or perhaps I am thinking of myself. Be warned, D-Wes -- there but for the grace of God go ye and not I.


WHAT TO LOOK FOR

After an away game in New Jersey, as a prank, on a dare from Nick Young, Dominic McGuire decapitates Gilbert Arenas and mails his head back to Laura Govan in Northern Virginia.


WHAT TO LOOK FOR

Mitch Albom wearing an enormous cloth diaper.

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