Our summer vacation is coming to a close. We have been on a long hianus but we are riding americas great bus system to come home to you!!!!
It has been a quiet offseason for the WIzards. Even for Agent Zero oh except for building ONE MILLION HOMES!!!!!!
But the new season is gonna be hot , hot like "Staff Party Hot" at Royal Bengal Restaurant, hot for us and hot for Agent Zero.
He showed us his TAKEOVER 08 "TO DO LIST" and i can tell u now its got some whoppers!!! We cant spoil the planz yet, but heres a sample:
Gil unveils plan to stop Global Warming!!!! Our tip: if you got stock in Airship International, double down cuz someones gotta build those ONE MILLION BLIMPS!!!!
When we move back into our offices at the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City we expect all the big TVs to have the damn football on them. We hate football these days especially in Washington football .
We have a coach who don't care about harvesting nuts because he's waiting for the rapture when all the white man from Houston and suburban VA will all fly up to heavan to be with Jesus and David Duchovnys naked ass , while we all suffer down on earth stuck in an eternal drive-time slot with Doc Walker.
And why is everyone so high on Jason Campbell already??? Why r u so blind so loyal?? Did Dan Snyder lure Leni Reifenstahl out of retirement?? People all say how much poise he has for "standing up in the pocket" .. Its like Chris Rock says : " You SUPPOSED to stand up in the pocket you low expectation-having motherfucker! !!!!
One thing we are very happy thouigh, is when Redskins signed SUFJAN STEVENS as their kicker. We love his poignantly observant play, and we love the Sadcore open mic nite he hosts Tuesday nights at Greveys. Last week I wept on my poppers when Shar Pourdanesh uttered the lines "I died a miniature death" .. SharPo was showing some serious ASSonance!!!!!
I also am so tired from all the Football Analists and Incite-men on the pregame shows. I have never seen so much ill-fitting Van Heusen since John Feinstein's Bah Mitzvah!!!!!
Jaws is just yapping and yapping away and no one has heart to stop him or tell him that he the place he bought his his glasses at - Anne Klein , that thats a store for women!
JAWS: "Yes well Tony, every team has divisions in the the lockerroom but ultimately whether that team wins or loses depends on how they are able to put those differences in perspective on Sunday morning and win some football games. I'll tell you a story, when I was a rookie in 1977 and Carl Hairston had this thing where he would walk around the lockerroom naked after a game, eating biscuits. And he would get biscuit crumbs all over the shower floor and make a real mess and a lot of guys weren't happy about it but they weren't about to say anything to big Carl."
TONY: "HA! Carl Hairston eating biscuits? Well at least it wasn't JERRY Hairston eating biscuits!!! Right Jaws???"
JAWS: Right Tony! So I'm looking at Carl and I'm thinking, wow I haven't seen a naked black man eat in the shower since I was a kid growing up in Lackawanna and my family took in a guy who worked at the lumber mill with my dad and who had hit a tough streak. Next thing I'm thinking to myself: "You know, I think I'd like to take off my clothes an eat biscuits too" but I was a rookie and you know, the thing about naked rookies is, some guys are just going to take that the wrong way,that's just the way it is. So when it came down to it in the end, I had to make the call that so many young men have to make in a pro football lockerroom : "Am I gonna be a gay biscuit eater or am I just gonna' be a naked guy eating biscuits?"
And if i want to watch football games I want to watch football, not RACIST ROUNDTABLE, like when on MNF the guys are broken up about Andy Reids sons Britt and Garrett being in trouble with the law and saying their hearts go out to Andy and its every parents nightmare and "There but for the grace of god go we".....
Are we talking about the Same Britt and Garrett who ON THE VERY SAME DAY in different places on the earth where people were minding thier own business and living their lives and rushing to the post office with innocent joy to get the package of duty free whitefish that their finnish friend had mailed them in individual Media Mail pouches covered in salty stamps that featured the great "CIVIL RIGHTS LEADERS OF FINLAND" and then in one car comes Britt, high on blow and aiming a loaded gun at people while gentle Garrett spends the morning shooting smack into his fat neck, oh you know smack, its that drug the Taliban makes!!! so he can get the courage up to run a red light and smash into someone and then back to Brett who gets anxious waiting for trial starring at the peeling Fatheads on the wall in his dads mansion so he gets loaded and does some more blow and gets back into his car for a another round??!!!!!
You mean THAT Brett and Garrett????? Thats not Andy Reids worst nightmare, thats everyone else worst nightmare right. Hey we all miss our fraternitys, all that sunburn and nerfball in the halls and unreported date rapes guys, but really now!!! Lock em up Rusty!!!
Then not 5 days later I hear the guys on Fox NFL postgame telling Donny McNabb , who by the way gets called "N***er" by his own fans - that he should "SHut up and play" and not bring up "race" . Tru fact.
ENUFF OF THIS CHINO POWER PROPOGANDA!!!!!
As For Our SUmmer, Here is What our Interns Have been Upto:
DANA: Was last seen cashing a huge check from Travis Henry, slapping down a $1000 bill at Apollo Liquor store for 2 Bottles of Cristal and a tube of Blistex.
He didnt have time to talk much but he emailed us this photo of him enjoying himself at Gotland Spa, geeting all galenskap with local rap stars like Looptroop, Snoopy and MC Tim
KEN: Ken has been spending the summer at Luray Caverns. He wasnt part of any tour or anything, he just wandered and found a dark hole and climbed in. He missed the mothering hut!!! When i saw him a couple days ago the duct tape that we had tied around his head to protect his ears, like they do to rugby players , it was almost all gone!!!
Miss WIlmer Jones-Ham-McTorchy-McZee is very ambitious politiically, she is like Lady McZee MacBeth , and Darvin is worried that she is up to something like that time she used playing cards to hypnotise Michael Adams for 7 years!!!!
JAARKO: Our intern Jaarko spent his summer doing his usual job as Herring boy at Borga Segelsallskap Yacht Club and called me to tell me he was flying home to "Dull" Virginia and to pick him up, and I said "you mean 'Dulles' Virginia?" and he said "That is right 'Dull" Virginia, haha!!!" its on old joke he plays that never gets old! But then I hear this meesage on my phone yesterday:
"My friends I will be late coming to America, for the problems I have at airport. When I am in transit lounge I am eating my pickled fish see and reading in magazine of how Kiefer Sutherland is making his muscles so big while I am waiting when the lady tells me to eat my fish somewhere else please, so I go into airport toilet and close door to enjoy my snak and then man next to me, he is also in toilet, he taps his feet next to me and wave his hand under the wall that is between us and he coughs and I think I know what he means, for he wants me to share my snack with him!!!! And so I put a big cold smelt in his hand and say "a big treat for a big man!" Then when they call for my plane I am going to check in and I am pulled aside and a man in a uniform put his wand under my robes. This slows me down and I'm not even to security yet!!!! Finally I am here at security now and they are now asking me questions about forms I give them. Maybe you know what is problem? They ask me about any "genocide" and I tell them I have medicine from National health for it! And they ask me about what I doing in Finland and now I am showing them!!! Wait and now some more men are coming to me now, they have moustache like me but also angry face I dont understand what is happening...... hullo men!.... wait no do not doin that to me men.... no please, no, DON'T TASE ME VELI!!!!!!!"
that was end of message!!
ANYway, we spent our summer Watching All The Big Summer BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES!!!!
We saw Marvin Brando's new movie "CAPS FOR SALE 2: PEDDLER DEADLY" . David Foster Wallace was great as the voice of the Monkey. I didnt know monkeys could play tennis!!!
Then we saw the Tyler Perry movie: "BLACK STEREOTYPES SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS LORD!"Also it was awesome!
And our favorite of all was the #1 big budget summer comedy with Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy called "BIG RED FONT!" It is outrageous! but not as outrageous as how that genius Tom Shaydac can turn $200 million dollars into an air conditioned afternoon of laughs!!!
HERE ARE SOME MORE SUMMER MOVIES WE HAVE BEEN ENJOYING!!!!
CAPTAIN KANGAROO'S BIG SECRET
If you ever wonder why our intern Jaarko can afford so all those courtside seats and top shelf Cloudberry liquer is because he earns royalties from his Uncle Espoo Ruutu who was a "friend" in hit Finnsih feltcore band "Fredi and Friends" Jaarko has lots of movies of his uncle because he is so proud.
Our favorite one is Fredi and Friends performing "PUMP PUMP" at the 1976 Eurovision finals. Thats Espoo on the keyboard!!
Espoo also got monies for writing the song "Sata Salaama" aka "Eye of the Reindeer" in 1987!!!
Wizznutzz have exclusive footage of Gilbert Arenas (screen name "Agent ARenas") playing Halo with his Final Boss teammates!!! I havnt seen an owner taking on his own team like this since ABe Pollin beat Kevin Porter and Ricky SObers at the annual Cap Center "Pollock 4 Poorfolk" imitation crab eating contest!!!
You can hear Agent ARenas groaning alot, thats cause hes getting whipped, and hes getting whipped because he spends the whole game in a corner challenging Avery Johnson to a one-handed grenade throwing contest!!!!
WELL HUNG AND SNOW WHITE TAN
Exclusive footage of Darius SOngalia and the whole Lithuanian mens basketball team getting happy, getting naked!!! The team gets paid so little from the Lithuanian government since they spent all 2007 fiscal budget financing Tyrone Nesbys rap career that they had to make ends meet by performing in a mobile all-male review. Who wants to change a tire!!!
I havnt seen so many happy naked men since I caught my dad backstage at Tap Dogs!
So we caught up with 'Dray this summer laying low, staying away from ladies of the night.
FIRST WE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM STAYING AWAY FROM LADIES AT "FLIRT" NITECLUB ON K STREET!!!
DeShawn, Gilbert , Caron and Rog Mason came along!!!
Is that Stephen A Smith at the 2:08 mark???
THEN WE CAUGHT UP WITH ANDRAY AVOIDING THE NASTY AT 2AM AT SPANK NITECLUB!!!!
DOnell and DeShawn and Twan and Carlos Rogers were all there! SO was Andrays sex rehab sponsor FRED SMOOT!!!
IS ANTAWN IS THE FASHION FORWARD SMALL FORWARD or what!!!!
We will forgive the Yankees Hat 'Twan, because we know u just wore it to match your navy tanktop!!!! Check out that thick piping!!! Hey who invited King Louis XIV's poolboy????!!!!!
O-TOWN IN SNO-TOWN!
Hot new rap video from an underground ALASKAN Hip Hop group called, really,:
"THE CHARLES OAKLEY PROJECT"
THE ORIGINAL JORDAN MULES
Speaking of O-Town, we enjoyed watching him eat cheetos and slapping around the David Beckham of Finland: Scottie Pippin, in an the awesome new documentary "THE SEED OF SALIERI" that charts the roots of Michael Jordans narcissism and bitter jealousy.
We r introduced to the original Jordan Mules, whom MJ calls "My Pigeons".
We r introduced to Michaels gambling, his greed, his bullying.
But the star of the movie is a young Doug Collins. He reveals for the first time his homoerotic intentions for young Salieri. In a series of candid, confused, darkly cliche monologues we see the young sycophant, the wily, hungry, fawning swain with the crooked smile. There is much forshadowing of the relationship to come, you can see coach Collins realises how special this moment is, to meet another younger, more gifted, more admired, more self absorbed man, and fall in ugly love for him, and have a once in a lifetime opportunity to feed off of his glory like a filthy lake-bed snake.
Psychanalists say that the desire to live vicariously through the anchievement of others is a common symptom of fullblown narcissim. One psychoanalist called "Dr Sam" wrote a book about Collins and MJ and he called in "THE MALIGNANT HEART"
"Narcissism" is the substitution of a False Self for the True Self. This, arguably, is the predominant feature of narcissism: the True Self is repressed, relegated to irrelevance and obscurity, left to degenerate and decay.
Horrified by the absence of a clearly bounded, cohesive, coherent, reliable, and self-regulating self – the mentally abnormal person resorts to one of the following solutions, all of which involve reliance upon fake or invented personality constructs:
The Appropriation Solution – This is the appropriation, or the confiscation of someone else's self in order to fill the vacuum left by the absence of a functioning Ego.
Another thing that is causing some serious foreshadowing is Dougs perm!!
With that hair and that grafic print argyle Doug looks like a keyboard player with tha CHuck Mangionie band!!!
Man check out all "mmm-mm-mmm-uh-huh-yes" COUGARS in that crowd! Poor 'Tan!! Cougars with degrees in AFrican American studies are the scariest cougars of all!!! Cuz they are PROUD COUGARS! These aint no Sisters of The Yam son and when they get u home they gonna want to see what your oral skilzz are REALLY about, u know what im sayin!!!! theyll invite u back to their place at the Private Estates at Musty Downs and work u hard. U be coming up for air, the P Cougz be like "Did you hear me tell you you could stop?? Get back down there Levert, what do you think you doing, bobbin for apples???!!"
INTO THE MILD aka THE MIKE RUFFIN BIOBLITZ!!
I know when you hear "Bioblitz" u r like us and think of Juan Dixon's new line of anitseptic deoderants but this is much bigger, much better than that!!!
Our FAVORITE summer movie by far is this documentary about Micahel Ruffin leading an ill-fated expedition of inner city children throuigh the wilds of rock creek park!!!
Ruffin set aside his cripplingfearofsquirrels to enter the muggy thicket like an urban crocodile hunter, wrestling isopods, rescuing fawns, fondling snake, calming a disoriented Calbert Cheany who stumbled from the undergroth complaing of "bad berries"
My favorite part is when the lady says:
"(Mike Ruffins) children are the next generation of stewards of the National Park Service"!!!!
Take that ice caps!!! Ranger Ruffins are on the case!!!
So very very very very very much more on this movie later in the season!!!