For many years offseason moves for bullets went like this:
Abe Pollin would dispatch Wes Unseld on "scouting trips" aka 2 tickets to a Terps game and a whole summer sleeping on benches in area playgrounds. Then Wes would report back to Abe with a short list of young local players who didn't try and rob him. Then Abe would bring in prospects for a workout: basically to test their skillz carving turkeys for charity events and going head-2-head with Susan OMalley in dance Dance Revolution on the N64. Then Abe tells John Nash "draft me that Calbert Cheaney!" even though we already have Calbert Cheaney on the team, so J Nash says "sure Boss" and drafts some other shooting guard with low self esteem. Then the whole cycle starts aphresh
But thingz done changed since EGrunf taken charge!
CUZ EGrunf loves the Eastern European WHite Man!!!
E Grunf employs half of Eastern europes athletes!
Hes turning Wiz into "EASTERN BLOC MOTORS"!
-He got the Kapsukan King, DSOng. -Then he got BIG OILY, pure OPEC grade Ukranian Crude. -Then he wasnt done and he got Vladimir Veremeenko and VDub aka V2 aka "Meenk DeVille"!!!
EGrunf loves nothing more than heading east for a working vacatiuon in the Low Bloc come summer!! And as much EGrunf loves eastern europe, they love him 10 times that much because he is their lifeblood!! he is a mini-economy to himself, young men be growing up in high school wanting to be coal sorters or engineers and teachers be like "yo stop dreaming, be realistic and become a euro-pro basketballk player, theres security in that!!" they even have guidance ads for hi school grads that the governement shows, being like "Theres ALways work at the post office!"
EGrunf is their pipleine to the NBA, like how Stalin had the "Road of Bones" Egrunf has "Road of Former Soviet Jeff Malones"!!!!
He gathers so much tall white wood they call him TIMBALAND over there!! And when he comes to visit - whether he's playing kadima in a speedo bythe Sea of Azov , or taking in Ukraine Super-League game from fuel trader Viktor Pinchuk's suite, or guest lecturing in Medieval Culture at Belarus PolyTech - he is treated like greatest of royalty.
There is a whole industry to just making him happy:
-comped townhouse in Kiev's posh Krecshatik nabe, -complimentary Nevmirov vodka waiting for him the fridge, -first class Blyadis aka the Bear geishas of Odessa to satisfy his every whim, (and when he tips the bear geishas he does so with special issue hrivna currency that have his face on them courtesy of Ukrainian Finance Ministry !!! )
SO, we were very suprised this year at NBA draft when Ernie went domestic.
But we arent bitter. We love the picks! The draft left a great lasting taste in our mouths, like Chinese Topol!!
(It sure turned out better than the Blogger Draft where we were picked by the Knicks at number 23!!! Jaarko was halfway upstate on the SARS Express when he realized it was only a mock draft!!! )
Sure it is true, like Agent Steinz predicted, that in our hearts we hoped for Petteri Koponen, aka the Finnish Bengali Rifle, to be drafted.
For one he has incredible steady hands, fast and strong that he got that way from a lifetime of gutting fish, he has fish-firm hands of Gollum!! But also, as a Finlander, he is used to never sleeping through winter season, like Gilbert Arenas!!!! They would be great workout partners for 4 in the morning, when both their circadian rhythms are crazier than Danas are backstage at a T-Pain concert!
We also were hoping maybe wizards would draft Morris ALmond.
Morris ALmond sounds like a guy who sold leisure suits in 1975 Philli, does he not??!!! "I still remember when the Ohio Players came in my store...." ... yo Morris we love hearing your stories!!! But The main reason we wanted Morris Almond, actually the only reason, is that when he would bunk with Cal Booth in summerball, everyone could call them by the nicknames: "ALMOND JOY and MOUNDS" !!!!
But we are very excited to have NICK YOUNG!!!! From what Agent Steinz reports, Nick will be charisma insurance for wizards foir years to come. With Gil and Nick together in lockerrom, its gonna be Trick AND Treat, japes city, like a long lost Wayans brothers pilot!!! Dont get me wrong, big Oily's Gregory Hines impression from White Knights is hilarious, but how you think thats gonna go down in THE TWO SIX O???
Gil will be extra motivated this summer. For preparing for new season of basketball yes, but mostly for preparing for new season of practical jokes!!
And Nick will be perfect comedy sidekick for Gil. Every great comedian had a sidekick. Pryor had WIlder. Seinfeld had Kramer. CHeech had Chong. Hall had Gnorm. !!!
