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Tuesday, June 12, 2007
 
OFFSEASON PROFILE:

GOD SHAMMGOD!


"People see God every day, they just don't recognize him."
-Pearl Bailey


We were enjoying our torpid vacation of apres putt-putt and curing bologna on the roof of August's Ford Focus and Jarrko had just finished painting his "Moomintrolls: Pets or Meat" sign when we was disturbed by three things:

1/ HAte Mail we got from Paul Chaon
TRU FACT! Paul's cavalier spelling, foul temper and repeat use of word "salty" make us thinking: FUTURE INTERN!!!

2/ Gilbert Arenas saying he will opt out of his contract and triggering hysteria that Agent Zero will leave DC, maybe to Detroit where he can be closer to his Halo Team!!!

But We r not afraid. Opting out of contract is standard procedure, its not unusual in the way, like say when Kwame Brown opted out of his foreskin during 2002 Wizards summer league. Wizznutzz Hon. Intern Unsilent Majority goes on Deadspin to set tha record straight!

3/ We get A supa-hot EXLUSIVE tip comes in from Superfan John Moe!!!!


Hey Guys,

This seemed like something you might be interested in. Tom Newell, son of legendary coach Pete Newell, is organizing a game this weekend in Seattle with 11-foot hoops in order to cut down on dunking (and excitement and interest). The roster is mostly scrubs/alums of local colleges but in the mix is Shammgod Wells, the former God Shammgod.

He has been resurrected!


Calbert Cheaney screams at his agent: "But I thought the hoops in the NBA were 11-feet!!!????"

Now as an invention, a basketball game with no dunking aint no Cheeseboot!

Going to street ball game for tha passing like going to a French Restaurant for tha salad dressing!!!



Plus they already invented a ballgame with no dunking!
They even made a movie about it!
They called it MURDERBALL!!!!

But this game proves what they say :
God Is All Around Us!!!!

Cuz just a few months ago, God was in China!!!!!

CHina is sure a different place!

Did u know The CHinese Circuit City has an army!!!????

Plus they have awesome nicknames in China for NBA Ballerz.

CHECK EM OUT!

(Its also reminds off this old Wizznutzz exclusive report!)

In CHI-TOWN They call Agent Zero DA JIANG JUN "THE GENERAL"!!!!
because he is peerless and commanding in the league!



LeBron James, why they call him "Xiao Huang Di" aka "Little Emperor"!!! Haha!

Carmelo Anthony they call "Tian Gua" aka "Sweet Melon" double haha when we tell u Rasheed Wallace tried to buy the rights to Sweet Melon off Melo for 3 million Yen!

And in China they call Black Marvin, CHris Porter and BB Waldon "THE THREE GORGES". WHo r thoise dudes u ask?? WHy they are US starz in CBA, CHinese Basketball Association, but not as big a star as God Shammgod who they called "SHAMMGOD WELLS"!!!!

aka
aka Happy Meals!!!!




IN this SO AWESOME ARTICLE and THIS ONE ALSO we find God playing 4 TaiYuan, Shanxi Province (Its like Beltsville but with more mopeds and the pollen has wings!)

Yes its old story now. Lots of people talked about it, including our friend Henry who had best GOD headline of tha lot:

ITS A GOD EAT DOG WORLD

It took us long time to finish it because we just kept rereading the line:

"I traveled to the dusty, dingy burg and found God in the second-rate hotel across the street "

But when we did finally read we learn its true that "God is in the Details" and those details are:

God Eating only McDonalds,
God showering in lockerooms filled with smoke from cigarettes,
Gods voice transmitting from heavens via a Skype account,
God dreaming of going back to NBA or at least going to Outback Steakhouse in Shanghai.

U always have a home here God! We believe! We saw the face of Ledell Eackles on a grilled cheese sandwich.! We cant wait for the day when God is honored at a Bullets old-timers night, weighing 300 pounds, with a hacking cough, stinking of sweet n sour sauce, crossing up Pervis, talking trash in Mandarin!

It was funny thought to read this spring of God among the heathen Chinee, seeing as a week prior we had got an additional, bonus EXLCUSIVE INCITE in our colecovision inbox from Sperfan SETH!!

Seth wrote in from Portland, HOME OF THE SEA DOGS!!!

I don't know you, you don't know me, but I know that you enjoy your God Shammgod. I need to tell you that I randomly saw him in Vancouver, Washington playing in an IBL game last Saturday for the Portland Chinooks. I had no idea he would be present, so you can imagine my delight. But anyways, I have 6 Updates for you:

1) He is officially going by "Shammgod Wells" again.

2) He did "The Shammgod" a few times.

3) He missed every jump shot that followed "The Shammgod."

4) He ran the point and refused to pass (naturally).

5) He put on a show.

6) He was the best player on the court.

-Seth

SO awesome! Blessed are the cheesemakers!!!!

Best part is when we went to investigate the IBL we find that it only costs like 20 Grand to buy a franchise!!! Now our plan is to sell enough SILENCE=BACON T-SHirts to raise the 20K to buy an IBL team and run it like rotisserie league building a dreamteam of our fave all-time wizznutzz allstars:

Darvin ham, Rod Strickland, ledell Eakles, Ghitza, Mugsy n Manute, Lorenzo Williams, TNez, Andy gaze, Randell Jackson....

We would turn into Eastern Motors "ENTERTAINER LEAGUE" with 8 ft hoops, and trampolines and travelling across the country playing in Circuit City parking lots and have DC celeb coaches, like Gilbert "Gil The Thrill" Arenas Senior and WOlf Blitzer (tho u know when he slips into gameday coaching velour he callz himself 'Honeybear") and Nils and Chico DeBarge and for halftime entertainment we rescue SKydog(tm) from Qyntel Woods/Mike Vicks "Q-Skool" Dog Fighting Academy and return him to arena where he does what he is meant to do: no , not detect cancer in the owners booth! catch frisbees for poor folk!!!

Buy Mothering Hut gear to support our dream! $5 Off right now!!!

And HOP ON COMMENTS BOARD AND SUGGEST CHINESE NICKNAMES FOR YOUR FAVE NBA PLAYAS!!!

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