So far the summer has been pretty calm for Gilbert Arenas. When he's not rehabbing his knee he is fulfilling his NBA Live 08 spokesman duties with the glee of Gollum in a Zales showroom.
Its is the most exciting Washington Wizards / Video Game partnership since Kevin Duckworth graced the cover of Muncher!! and since Ed, Edd 'n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures cancelled its affiliation with Eddie Jordan, Eddie Murray and Eddie Money after a disasterous game launch where Eddie Money kept yelling:
Gimme some water! Cause I shot a man on the Mexican border!
and Eddie Jordan swallowed a sharpie and Eddie Murray shouted "DONT TALK TO THEM EDDIE!!" and slapped a reporter.
He said when he was on vacation he was in a place that had no crime and no poor people! No not McLean, its called TAHITI!!!
NOw we know with Agent Zero he has a lively mind. If David Stern hadnt banned the odious racist practice of Phrenology in NBA medicals, you would see that Gilberts brain is divided into into two lobes: The Kidder Lobe, thats a funny place, and the Margot Kidder lobe, also funny, also very scary sometimes.
"Yes," he said. "I want to buy an island. Because Diana Ross has an island. Marvin Brando had an island."
1. This is not first time Gilbert has dreamed of Island Life:
Lately I've been dreaming I'm playing basketball on a desert island. That's all there is on the island-just the court, water lapping right up to the edge of the blacktop. It's just water all out there. Deep. Then I notice there are fans out in the waves, circling us.
When we did epic Agent Zero INCITE last season we explained that Psychoanalist and original MILF Hunter Sigmund Freud calls this dreamin "SELF ESTRANGEMENT":
Why is Gilbert hiding himself away deeper than Calvin Booth in a box score???
Well for one thing he has been hiding from his girlfriends Lawyers. But if you asked a man named Heidegger, who invented a magic 8 Ball you don't EVER want to shake, he will tell you that "self-estrangement" means agent zero is confronting the fears of an unauthentic life. An "unauthentic life" is when you have a public ego which is like the big billboard version of yourself outside the Verizon center, but inside you are wrestling with lifes banality, which is like wrestling with Awvee Storey but in your brain instead of the team bus.
Raymond Burr bought one. He told the locals "They Call Me MISTER Bonobo!"
Rod STewart bought the island shaped like England in that crazy "The World" development in Dubai where they make islands in shape of map of the world. Rod isnt popular with his neighbors there after he waded over to Diego Maradona's "Argentina" island and urinated on the Falklands!
And Mel Gibson bought Mago island in Polynesia for $15 million from Japan's Tokyu Corporation. Scary part is, Gibsons island has inhabitants and they are not very happy, hell no i bet they arent after they saw Apocalypto and The Bounty (aka "The Good SHip Brown Sugar Tits") and after he announced plans to remake Bird On A Wire in the native language, according to his original vision , "before the Hollywood Jewed it up"
3. Will Gilbert call his Island "SAN HIPPOLITO"???
4. What is Gilberts intention for getting island?
Is it to create socialist utopia with culture based on free expression and an economy based on "SWAG"?
Does he want to be like Mister Roarke and drive around in an orange, safari-top Dodge Aspen station wagon with Awvee Storey, granting twisted wishes to wealthy but unfulfilled washed-up B-listers like Sammy Davis Jr. and Audrey Landers and Christian Laettner???
Is Agent Zero having a mental breakdown like Paul Gauguin or ex-Orioles outfielder Jeffry "Kurtz" Hammonds and hoping to escape vertigo of western progress by running to a calming world of fruit and nakedness and wideopen crazy?
Does Gil want his own country to rule, aka a Wi-Fi Dictablanda where Agent Zero imagines himself in role of ancient Spartan Philosopher King, squashing snubs for the betterment of all, a benevolent dictator who is latest in long-line of self-appointed enlightened despots like Francisco Franco and Oliver Cromwell and Alderman George Unseld??
5. When Gilbert said how Marvin Brando bought an Island, was he actually thinking of Marlon Brando in the movie "The Island Of Dr Moreau"???
Does Gil have a fantasy of setting up an island of MANIMALS to control with his mad science and primal legislaturez????
Does he want to dress up in a white mumu like Brando and have a mini-me version of himself to satisfy a mad narcissism and to play co-op Halo with??
Ma Brand looks like a Cleveland Park pyschologist or Wes Unseld on casusal fridays!!!
But Gilbert doesnt need to dream about having an island like this, because THIS ISLAND ALREADY EXISTS!!!!
Its called HERZOG ISLAND! and its in his backyard, right in the Potomac. Dont believe it?? Just cuz they didnt teach herzog island in your Montgomery College Geography class dont mean its not so.
And Herzog is already teeming with half man, half animal freaks. They are the sad, cruel bio-refugees that escaped from Abe Pollin's evil In Vitro Farm, the top secret eugenics program he ran under the Cap Center to "Breed A Winner" for Washington.
We reported before on the evidence:
Recently declassified "LEDELL EXPERIMENT"!!! Witness the horrible results: Ledell Eackles , (aka "Ledell Eakles Prototype 3BETA. Nonviable. Destroy At Maturity.") hiding in Neckless shame in the shadows of his own fate!
Witness Manute Bol: his mother a 4'7" Baltic Jockey, his father.... "ANONYMOUS".
Witness the 9 hours erection, the REAL reason Muggsy Bogues is out of the league!
Michal Jordan calls Wizards teammates Mules. Mules atre INFERTILE. Former Bullets , Celibate Rifles!! MJ finds "leprauchauns" in his shrubs one night, parts ways with team shortly after.
WITNESS recentrly unveiled documentation: Kevin Duckworth is thirteen years old!!!
For many years these poor monsters have been living happily out of sight, under the protections of Wes Unseld who Abe put in charge of "Care Of Magical Creatures", though now and then there is an accidental "encounter" like the time the Park Service shot dead a "wild boar" on a tennis court. A "boar" that was wearing jewerly and Burberry cologne with a copy of Smooth Magazine in his pocket and an iPod shuffle filled with only songs of El DeBarge, and the Ranger who swore he heard that boar scream, "There is no pain! There is no law!" before he took him down.