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Tuesday, March 20, 2007
 
Hi gang! Darvin here!

We R sorry the site is having so much problems. I left the TRS99-4A home computer in Kens hands but Sibley Cross Hospital just phoned to say Ken swallowed the batteries for the tape recorder hard drive!!! We r working on it!

Also, tru fact, I was in AUSTRALIA!!!!!! I was there for many reason:

One, I brought my mother there for fresh air and powdered wombat bone so she can convalesce and get away from the pressure of her upcoming trial aka the "Burning Ma"am" Festival, for torching her 86 Benzo for insurance dimes. We hope to get the Judge Who Cried from the case of Anna Nicole Smith v. The Darkness trial. He seems a a fair man and would understand that just because my mom, Former Saginaw Mayor Wilmer Jones Ham, fled from police in a white pinto with her best friend Altamese Allen is not sign of guilt but of normal flight mechanism of scared animals. I know people want to turn my mom into power crazed "Lady Macbeth" but stubborn stains do not equal madness, even bacon stains. But Im no Rod Strickland. I knows a bum beef when I sees one. I am committing my times to hunting down the "real" firebugs: Cecil A. Collins Jr. and Handyman Jerry W. Wilkins. Hey JDubs, there aint nothing "Handy" about passing out drunk in the bosses backseat with a can of gas and a lit Newport. And then There are so many natural ways a ladys car can catch alight. Saginaw as u know has bad problem with Mexican possums and fire is only way to burn those buggers out when they take nest in your car. Plus have u seen what kind of Guy Fawkes pyrotechnics happen when a unattended hair iron is left on around a plastic salad bowl full of week-old Dudley's Salon Control Gel Activator????

AND BOOM GOES THE WALLABY!

It will be OK. Thanks for all your letters of support. I am not worried about my Moms. If she has to do hard time in an all-womens prison then Im not worried. Mom can bench press her wait in canteen chili and can swap her special Ham family pruno for stamp money. She can hold her mud. She aint sellin wolf tickets and isn"t afrad to shower around ladies.

Anyways meantime I enjoyed Australia! Its a couintry like Ron Artest's Tru Warior records: fiercely independent and founded by convicts! I have been keeping busy.

On the plane trip I listened to this Steve Buckhantz call for 16 hours in a row, lent Ralph Fiennes my travel lotion, and had my cheeseBoot detonated on the tarmac by Australian customs!

I was guest assistant coach at BDL - Bogan Development League with Andrew "Fatal Shore" Bogut and former Bullet Andrew "White Vegemite" Gaze!!
Andrews dad Lindsay is famous Oz coach, like an outback Jimmy 'The Rat' Lynam, and was showing the young Oz ballers the Eddie Jordan offense aka "The Walkabout".

But don"t get me wrong, it wasn"t all work we also had more japes than a Yahoo Serious Film Festival!

First I went to a fancy art gallery because they added "FEAR POUCH" to the permanent collection of indigenous art.



Then Shane Heal took me down to St Kilda beach and I paraded around in nothing but my Ugg boots and lycra budgie smugglers!
We had too many Matilda Bay Wine Coolers and got in a scrape in the parking lot of Bojangles Niteclub when I found out the hard way that ABoriginies don"t like it much when u ask them to "point the bone" !!!!!

And Andrew Gaze told us all about how he was just on Australian Dancing With The Stars!



Did u know integrity spins down the toilet counter-clockwise in Austalia???

Andrew Gaze called his dance partner, Linda DeNicola "The Michael Jordan of Dancing".
I guess that means she did the Hustle, then stood in the spotlight and got like Morris Day and made Gaze dance in front of her with a big mirror like that yes man Jerome so she could admire herself, then she slept with Gaze's wife, called him a "flaming faggot", fleeced 10K out of him on side bets, and finally, bought an ownership stake in Australia"s Dancing with the Stars, brought in her own "celebrity" dancers Leonard Hamilton and Doug Collins and ran the franchise into the ground.

Salieri will never learn!!!
He keeps rising up in the bowl like some unflushable turd. If only he could be like Don Fabrizio, the faded, existentially lost aristocrat from The Leopard who accepts that glory is conceit:

"We were the Leopards, the Lions, those who'll take our place will be little jackals, hyenas; and the whole lot of us, Leopards, jackals, and sheep, we'll all go on thinking ourselves the salt of the earth."

And now hes ponied up his share of the divorce cut to buy into Bernie Butterstaffs Charlotte Bobcats!

This MJ interview, as Henry Portrait of a Serial Killa points out, holds more softballs that Steve Blake in the morning shower giving himself a self-exam!!!.

We ask the question we asked before when Salieri was on 60 Minutes:

Why didnt you ask MJ the tough questions? Like:

-God gave you athletic gifts. God gave you your mock turtlenecks. Did God also give you your sullen hate?

-Speaking of turtlenecks, You drafted KWame Brown with the Wizards #1 pick. Do you really think that it was approproiate to have him circumcised?

-Do you ever miss having a soul?

-Do you feel Kevin Bacon did a good job of capturing you in the movie "Sleepers" ?

-You say that you felt cheated by Abe Pollin. But why dont you shut your mouth?

-What did you do with Tyron Lues body?


In anycase, Im sure this MJ-BCATS marriage is the beginning of a long, successful relationship, cuz we all know how important COMMITTMENT IS TO SALIERI!!!

Just check out his wedding vows!

In every relationship, trust is very important; never break that trust.

Hey where is his vow about promising "to wipe off the musky stink of adultery before I kiss u goodnite"?

This maakes me think of an other Wizard's wedding vows.
No Not Gilbert!!! Hes not married yet to Laura Govan b/c he's still waiting for Talmudic scholarz to decode the 900 page prenup provided by Laura's law firm of Eisenstein, Warburton and Hibachi. But when that special day comes for Gil to make an honest baby mama of LG heres betting he vows:

I vow to love and honor you through the best of times and the worst, and to play online solitaire during all the times in between

But the Wizard I was thinking of was someone different.

Thanks to the Freedom Of Edutainment Act, Wizznutzz have obtainbed exlusive copy of Michael Ruffins wedding vows!!!



I, Michael Ruffin, do solemnly vowe to always walk ahead of you to protect you of harm. If that means 2 or 3 blocks ahead of you because there have been reported squirrel sightings, then so be it.

I swear before God that I will never be too old to cook breakfast for you in the nude.

I promise to capture your fears and release them, like squirrels, onto the neighbors property.

It shall be my great joy to open your eyes to the rich bounties of life, and to provide you a Sears and Roebuk credit card with which to seize them.

I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night and yours will be the eyes into which I first smile in the morning, not including the glazed eyes of the Eastern Fox squirrel I killed at daybreak.

I promise you a rose garden, and that I shall tend to it tirelessly, even at the expense of our time together, baiting the traps, felling the surrounding trees, gassing dormant nests, encasing the bed in 12 inch reinforced concrete so not one nut shall find purchase, and synchornizing the small, pressure-sensitive explosives.




SO. WHAT ELSE HAS BEEN HAPPENING????

Wizznutzz SupaFans DAN SHANOFF and JAMIE MOTTRAM appoint wizznutzz "17th Most Influential Sports Blogger"!!!!

I dont know who we r influencing exactly but its a safe bet they are carrying around a warm block of Philly cream cheese in their front jeans pocket!! There has been a tipping point that much is 4 sure. Since day wizznutzz launched, livestock fertility in Holland has tripled!



NICE SHIRT D SHAN!

Thanx for the honor DAN and JMOTTZ! Sure we've had some awards before, like Lifetime Acheivement In Innovation from the Dairy Board, and Mike Russo declared our collection of nude Maury Chaykin photos as one of "Top 10 Sites I check Each Morning", and then when our intern Jaarko was first Finnish person to ever win gold at the "Giffy" awards for animated gifs for his floating Ghitza heads. but this is special!

Meantime, Agent Zero has major new BLOG incites.

First up, he mentions one of wizznutzz fave things ever:
his Dad's cameo on TNBC hit show HANG TIME!

SHARING A DREAM SO FINE! PUTTING IT ON THE LINE!

Its the coolest cameo since Brendan Todd Haydwood's dad Spencer starred in a 'very special episode' of Growing Pains where he taught Maggie Seaver about the dangers of the Post-Suburban Mandingo COmplex!!!

Hangtime starred Reggie Theus! Building a sitcom around Reggie Theus is like building an offense around Calvin Booth! Gil Sr took the role real serious. Not Miami Vice serious mind u, but serious no doubt. Maybe it even went to his head a bit, like when he would go to Gil Jrs ball games and heckle him "Your game OK but you aint no Julie Connor!"

Gil SR stayed in REF character for 16 months! This is why sometimres AGent Zero gets so distressed letting zebras get into his dome.

The BIGGER news tho, is BABY Zero !!!

Gil has a new, white, son!!!

he named him Trplie A: Alijah Amani Arenas!
It was a toss up between that name and Ashraf Amaya Arenas!!!

Gil is already competing with his son:

I was talking a little trash to him already.

I told him hopefully he darkens up a little bit, because he was a little light in the skin. Then I told him he needs to watch the movie 300, because he needs to be a Spartan type of man.


We first compoared the Arenas men to Spartans last year:

Gilbert is like a SPartist. In ancient SParta they had no currency or capital and eveyone sat about and had tons of free time and no jobs and almost everyone was a musician --like Takoma Park but more showering!

Agent Zeros gonna be an awesome dad. He's gonna be the Earl Woods of HALO!!!! He bought his son a tiny couch to sleep on! He's already playing his signature pranks on AAA: hosing him off when he makes potty, pulling all the heads of his stuffed toys, replacing his children's asprin with candy Runts!

AAA is a sweet nickname.
Its better than our choices:
"The Turnover"
"Sub Zero",
"All The Black Presidents Men" , and
"Hippolitolito" !!!

Hop on the comments board and give us your own Gil Jr Jr Nicknames!!!!

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