Wednesday, February 07, 2007
SO THERE WAS MUCH 2 MUCH TALK AROUND THE WEB ABOUT GIL V KOBE Lots of heavy analisis, much edumaintaining, much Mosaic Maloney.
Ive seen less mandating on the Steve Blake Soapstarz gag reel!!!
It wuz just one game in along season and the way we make sense of a loss like that is we send Ken into the Mothering Hut with a wire brush, some Detol(tm) and a pouch of scrabble tiles and when Ken emerged he had a look on his face, we didnt know exactly what look it was because his mouth was filled with the wood shavings u find on bottom of hamster cage, but i think it was look of accomplishment!
He had rearranged the words "KWAME BROWN" into "RAW WOMB KEN"!! We were very proud and took it as a sign!
Plus the wiz bounced back strong last night against the SOnics and for first time coach Jordans bench didnt seem thinner than Andray Blatche's uterus. Plus we got our first glimpse Tha SONGBIRD and "he came on so loaded, man, well hung and snow-white tan!" and even Donnell Taylor got to play some quality chasey. U know how they say we are all just "7 meals away from murder"?? well D-TAILZ is only FOUR!!! (and he got em all at Agent Zeros SUperbowl party!)
Instead of getting our knickers in a tom knott, we spent the time doing constructive things:
1. We admired the Korean Muggsy Bogues commercial we found on NBA Fanhouse:
In Korean 'Hyundai' means 'Magical brownie'!!!
2. We saw that someone found our site by googling "DARVIN + FUR"!!!
3. We chickity checked our chops when we hit the 4:22 mark of THIS VIDEO
4. We read new STEVE BUCKHANTZ and POST GROTTO Wiz blogs (no wonder we cant find a decent intern anymore!)
5. We, like rest of universe marvelled at Agent 0 doing horizonal Homer Simpson "WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP" dance during the battle of the 260 STARZZZ!
6. We raised glass of Chateau HAMSLAM to toast Coach Jordan who will be coaching the ALL STARZZ and taking his P-Town offense to Vegas. Cappy Cappon and Butch van Breda Kolf would be so proud !!! (but Butch van Breda Kolf had post-coaching job as personal trainer for Hitlers dog 'Blondi', so he wouldnt admit it publicly). As coach of Easts best team, Coach gets to carve the official Michael Wilbon Black Thanksgiving Turducken! Plus he plans to apply his hair with special ceremonial metallic gold sharpie!!! But asst coach Mike O'Koren wont be going, since he was banned from Vegas for gambling problems and putting his own red balls on roullette table. MJ will be there, judging the dunk competition, and judging Mister Mule USA Pagaent and also maybe getting his slot machines in there. SO has this what its come to Sally? SOme old ladie with a dirty plastic slurpee cup pushed desperately against your cashed up loins???
But we dont want mto talk about any oif that stuff. We have incites and be warned, these are incites of VIOLENCE and FIRE!
VIOLENT INCITE #1 THE UNBEARABLE HEAVYNESS OF BEING MICHAEL RUEKERT!
OK so you have heard it said here before. you hear it here many timez, more timez even than you hear "You're a Marvel Bruce!!" in an 70s Australian porno movie!!!
The Gilbert Arenas Backlash is coming!
There are some breathing Willies out there who are tired of the salaaming of Gilbert Arenas . They want an end to salaaming or maybe just to play hide the salaaming. But some people thats not enough.
One of those people is a portly f*ckface vegemite wrestler called MICHAEL RUEKERT.
We understand, MICHAEL RUEKERT, the urges man has. The urge when you are on a bridge and u think "i could just step right off this bridge". Or when u are talking to a really nice pretty girl the urge that u just want to punch her in the face. But are u SURE u want to throw the first stone MICHAEL RUEKERT????
MICHAEL RUEKERT also goes by the really cool online handle "tmacfan811". U can tell he's a tru pioneer because of the "811" part.
Michael made a video. I cant even bear to put it on the site.
Thats Michael, the whey-faced chubby chaser in the red dress and the Bugle Boys that smell like cheese. He is the one taking advantage of the large slow kid.
With this video WIZZNUTZZ officially announce the start of the MICHAEL RUEKERT BACKLASH!!!!
When he is not typing "FIRST!!!" on Farscape Web Ring or tweezering the Braggin Draggin logo of his new tennis shorts or Asking Jeeves "Put Penis Unbaked Tube Pillsbury Crescents Dough Safe Normal?" MICHAEL RUEKERT spends many drone-like lonely hours compiling agent zero lo-lites. and We know about loneliness! We spent 6 years making website about Llorenzo Williams! And we know adolescence is hard time, especially if its in your twenties! It is a time when a young man looks at crowqded world around him and tries to sort out a idea of who he is. Adolesence is domninated by what they call in Circuit City intern seminars "phenomenologies of identity work" You r what u like b/c what u like are semiotic markers of difference and sameness, and for some time we r all pasty young bricoleur's (French for 'Bacon Craft") making clumsy assemblage of our new tastes:
Like MICHAEL RUEKERT, i bet u are guy who when orders soda at Applebees asks for Pepsi and if they only have Coke then u say "just bring an Iced Tea" because world needs to know u only roll with Pepsis! U like papa Johns but Dominos sucks. Lexus is cool but Mercedes is lame. XBox is for fanboyzz PS3 rules. Chamillionaire is wicked, E-40 = gaylords. SO when dudes at yoiur school are all about LeBron and Wade and Gilbert, you plant your flag and holla "IM A TMAC MAN!!!!"
Well Im sure TMac appreciates the endorsment Turd Furgeson!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me tell you, if you think U R What U Wear, well you are not Tracy McGrady no more than your $100 Outback Duster Coat makes you a Swagman(tm) like Llorenzo Llamas or Gilbert Arenas.
And Tracy McGrady aint gonna take your showers at school for you Michael Ruekert, and he is not going listen to your System of a Down mixtape, and he is not going to crawl under your bed and sweep out the Victoria Secret catalogs, and the empty Oscar Meyer Lunchable tubs, and your unattended SHAME.
As August Strindberg quoted Humungus from The Road Warrior movie during his DUI stop last year: "I am gravely disappointed. Again you have made me unleash my dogs of war."
DBB, Let me tell you also "what they are saying" about DETROIT and its "Bad Boys":
1. Detroit is American Acropolis that is decaying quicker than Rasheeds bald spot. Yes the skies were briefly lit up in 1987 when Frehley's Comet passed by but then it crashed into the city and the car factories shut down when Michael Keaton gave into the Japs in Gung Ho and massive depopulation began as people moved into Ohio refugee camps (Dave and Busters with Red Cross subsidized 2-for-1 game cards) and what wasnt destroyed in riots was torched by Wilmer Jones-Ham!!
(ps Wilmer, if u are pleading for your innocence maybe dont do it in an HR Puffenstuff jailbird striped jumpsuit?!)
2. Just cause u have a new Compuware headquarters and 'Renaissance Center" dont mean u can call it a comeback. A Johnny Rockets with an new parking lot, and 2 art directors living in a loft with engineered wood media cabinets from West Elm and new glue traps at The Big Buck doesnt mean "REVITALIZED" It just means U just went from SHithole to McShithole. We know, because we WENT TO THE BIG BUCK and we went to the Palace At Auburn Hills, on historic first Wizards game ever and it was halloween and we dressed up in awesome wizards beards and smoked a funny smoke and we got to the game and there was no Palace and no Hills and no Auburn but just a dark and cold late-modern bombshelter that was 2/3 empty on opening night and the few people there are cashed up contractors in polyblend evening wear from Modells or surly teens in Rocca swag and cinch sacks with Growing Up Gotti fades trying to impress there dates by screaming "get The Fucking Gnomes" at us.
3. You say Wizards fans dont cheer hard, that we arent CLAPPERS?? well its true no one has clappers like detroit cuz detroit has one of highest chlamydia rates in USA!!! Burn!!!
4. Like its founding fathers did, Detroit still has active fur trade but these furriers didnt get those bites from a racoon!!!
5. Detroit is voted WORST PLACE IN AMERICA TO SLEEP! Something to do with your unemployment rate and overall 'happiness index' and dead elk meat your uncle keeps in your closet. DC ranks 5th best place to snooze!!! Just ask Kwame Brown!!!
6. Just like SoCal, detroit has foreign people with mullets living right across the border but u dont see them sneaking into the country to do the jobs u dont want to do because YOU have to do the jobs you dont want to do and u cant even hold them down!!!!!
7. You have only 3 celebrities in Detroit!! Now it is really only TWO since Disney accidentally relocated Insane CLown Possee to Orlando after CEO circulated that "Acquire All Clowns" memo.
You have Kid Rock, the termite rap bogan who gave himself Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
And you have Mitch Albom. MITCH ALBOM!!
Mitch has more cliches than The Thornbirds and looks like an extra from The Thunderbirds! He doesnt even write sports no more, he just churns out twee milque-toast existentialist hospice-lit. Dear Parade Magazine readers: WE ARE ALL SLOWLY DYING! , hell even thats not his own idea, it was slogan for the 87 Bullets!!
"Five People U meet In heaven" !! the 5 people I wanted to meet in heaven were Ben Wallace, Rip hamilton, CWebb, Darvin ham and Rasheed Wallace but you stole them from us too!!! Chauncey Billups is only BAD BOY u have and he has the soft hands and soft name of a chauffer!!
SO WIZZNUTZZ FAITHFUL YOUR TASK IS CLEAR. FIGHT BACK!! LAY WASTE TO MICHAEL RUEKERT! THRUST YOUR ANGRY VERBAL LOINS INTO THE PLIANT COMMENT BUTTOCKS OF DETROIT BAD BOYS BLOG!
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his bacon fat with me Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition: And gentlemen in Takoma Park now a-bed Shall think themselves accursed they were not here, And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Saint Gilbert's day!!
