Monday, February 26, 2007
Its late FEB and the Wizards are moonstruck, up and down like PJ Ramos twin 7 foot sisters LaSturm and DeDrang gettin shilly-shally on a catholic skool seesaw.
We can but draw our fories over our eyes and wait for the return of ANtawn, "the mothergoose with the eggs that seem to be fallin, fallin, fallin..."
This was supposed to a chance for someone off the bench to step it up most definitely:
But Jarvis is still bringing a COnstables cudgel to a gunfight.
Etan's got buck fever, frozen in his tracks like Sylvia Plath by the hors devours tray at a North jersey funeral home.
DSOng is "getting his legs back" but looks like he's been gettin em back trying to outrun garden sprinklers
And Drey Blatche looks like an emu in a bush fire! We call Blatche "409" cuz of his shooting percentage and streak-free shine. DRe, its one thing to be up for a game, and another to be popping Enzyte like they wus Rolos.
Meantime Gilbert gets uncorked quicker than a magnum of Korbel at Calbert Cheaney's 25th Birthday spoectacular.
Agent Zero is the millennium's first true GONZO ATHLETE!!! Cuz with Gil its all personal, all absurd, all style over accuracy.
Like Hunter S sez:
The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
And When Agent Zero goes out, hes gonna go out grand, like Hunter S: gonna have his ashes blasted over a tray of Montgomery Donuts!
Luckily there has been plenty offcourt japes to keep us glued to the Wheaton plaza public TV:
1. PAC MAN JONES bites, shames, and shoots his way through the Hieronymus Bosch Gentlemans Club. It all started when Pacman threw thousands of singles into the air for the "Make It Rain" effect. Dear Pacman: SIngles in strip clubs r like Scoobie Snacks. Treat them with respect! Shaggy always knew he had be careful doling out the greenies to Scoob in small doses, just enough to maintain the auditory hallucinations but not so many as to trigger the violent crystal rage! WHole thing is sorry, but also reminds me of time Rod "Dig Dug" Strickland and Chico DeBarge threw a large bag of Pepporoni discs at naked dancers to create "Make It Salty" effect!
2. TRADING DEADLINE PASSES Juan Dixon moved yet again, admits "It's part of the business" and "I like taking physicals!" Multi-team trade involving Brian Cardinal, Conrad Bain, a vinyl tub of broken Lik-m-Aid stix, and a soiled pair of Braggin Dragon tennis shorts was nixed since no one wanted to take on Conrad Bain's heavy, backloaded, expiring life.
3. WIZZNUTZZ.COM DISCOVER YOURNUTZ.COM, discover its founder "David" HAM, discover GOD, discover what became of that mold of Ike Austins testicles we sold on eBay!
4. AGENT ZERO PERFORMS BEST TRAMP JUMP SINCE RICK MAHORN APPEARED ON "CELEBRITY BUMFIGHTS 3"!!! Gil bravely endorses MAN-MASCOT rights : "Some of my best friends are mascots"
Hayes, Daniels and Haywood are of the mind that players should not get a tatoo of a nickname because when they get older it will look stupid.
"How's that gonna look when you're 45?" Daniels asked. Arenas wasn't in the conversation at the start but once he heard it, he had to chime in and as you would imagine, he had a different take. "What's wrong with Agent Zero?" Arenas asked. "Why can't I have that nickname forever, it's not a young name or anything." Daniels: "When you retire, people aren't going to call you Agent Zero, they're going to call you "Gilbert Arenas." (Haywood nods his head in agreement) Arenas: "Yes they will, a lot of guys are still called their nickname when they retire." Daniels: "Name one."
Well first of all I happen to know for fact they still call Doug Overton"Litter Trey" at my Blockbusters and Labradford Smith gets his fishing magazines under the legal name "Darkness At Noon".
Second of all, does this mean Gils getting an AGENT ZERO tattoo??? Gil it is only right that we get to ink u up - we are so good with branding iron that when we seared old Circuit City slogan ""Imagine That" on Ken Beatrices lower back he thought it was just burger smoke at Arbys!
And Third, Brendan Todd, you should talk. What u think those Eastern Motors ads are gonna age gracefully?
While in Las Vegas for All-Star Weekend, Jordan had the word "Passion" tattooed under an existing tattoo of a basketball. Jordan also has a tattoo of his wife's first name, Charisse, on his left breast and the names of his children, son Jackson and daughter Skyler, on his left arm. He got the tat right above the life-size one on Montell Jordan he has with giant wordz "Somethin' 4 Da Honeyz". This is what we luv about Coach. You dont see Scott "SHoutbox" Skiles getting a "Stout Bitch" or "Inflate Bladder to 300 Lbs" tattoo, or Jerry Sloan getting a "Fag Life" tat. Thats cuz Jordan isnt from the ball breakin coaching school, the football type plantation bosses, the monstres sacres. He doesnt believe in the obstinate, mulish, authoritarian foreman approach. Jordan aint the Jim Belushis "The Principal" hes more like "The RA", a playas coach. Hes havin some fun, trying to hang on to the Hi-NRGs of youth, keepin some flow, he looks at his team with wonders like he just set up his first bowl of Sea Monkeys!
6. THE BEAR V. CHEESEBOY On his radio show Tony Kornheiser opens a green eye from his bulbous orange face and goes SHOUTY CRACKERS on Agent Steinz for sneaking up on his Smaug-like pile of neurotic page 2 jewels. How envious and grabby can u be?? We know TK is territorial from the time he marked our booth at CLydes of Chevy Chase with his urine, but this sandbox panic has reached Salieri-esque levels, hes like an orange Othello, the Moor of Tenley!!! Page 2 is not your Karla Knafel TK!!!
TK thinks he is tha Yahweh of sports sarcasm: "I am Yahweh your God... You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourselves an idol, nor any image of anything that is in the heavens above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: you shall not bow yourself down to them, nor serve them, for I, Yahweh your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and on the fourth generation of those who hate me, and showing loving kindness to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments." (Exodus 20:4-6)
Be very careful Tony, The bloggers will eat you, we r pack animals and will tire you out like angry Teletubbies swarming the majestic Barney, like CIndy Adams dogs will eat her corspe!!
7. SPEAKING OF AGENT STEINZ... So a few days ago the Bog announced an upcoming TV adventure with Mister Mottram on COmcast!!! Wizznutzz have been thinking long and firm about this TV show. In our hearts we imagine it as being just like CITY GUYS!!
We have some other suggestions to take to production meetings:
"THE BLOG POUND" Bloggers in special audience bleacher section making Arsenio Hall noises: "Whoop WHoop Whoop" , live-blogging the show, real-time loneliness!
WHEATON SKYLINE SET with real model trains and animatronic carjackings!
OFFICIAL SHOW BAND ARE REAL LIVE CHIMPANZEES! Led by bandleader Leonard Hamilton, who laughs loudly at steinz and jamie's lame jokes while his eyes betray the thousand-yard stare of an uncle tom's surrender!
UNSILENT MAJORITY IN THE GREEN ROOM BERATING GUESTS!!
GENE, GENE, GENE SHUE, DANCING MACHINE!, takes us to the break with his smooth buck n wing moves!!
THE "MASTURBATING BEAR" CHARACTER, BUT INSTEAD OF MAN IN A BEAR SUIT ITS JUST ARCH CAMPBELL!!!
ANIMAL EXPERTS! Animals are hilarious! But instead of "experts" have former DC athletes bring in dangerous animals!! Flloyd Rayford with his starving capuchin monkeys! Calbert CHeaney puts 3 african pelicans in a cage with a barking spider! Leslie Sheppherd's sand fleas!
MASCOT HIJINKS! Sure you can get Romanaian Muppets for a song, but We think the show should be structured more ambitious like Krofft Superstars variety hour!
But instead of Krofft chracacters, they use discontinued local mascots! And instead of funny hijinks, its brutal neo-realist docudramas:
-See UMD's JV Terrapin buy a nip of Wild Irish Rose from a College Park bodega at 10am! -Watch "Basket" bathe his grandmother! -See former DIPS mascot "Argey Bargey" appearing in costume at his child custody hearing! -Look, its"Dazz!" losing his pension in a web scam!
VIOLENCE! A regular bit featuring 2 bloggers pitted in a battle of pain and wits like in the SAW movies! Chain JE SKeets and WIll Leitch to a Green Turtle toilet, with nothing but a hacksaw, some tiger balm, New Orders "Blue Monday" and a lifesized Fathead vinyl wall sticker of a naked ANdrew Bynum!
SEX! The show should always end like they ended that NYC cable-access pornfest THE Robyn Byrd show !!! Jamie and Steinz reclining on the couches in buttless chaps and smeared lipstick, while all the shows guests, and various sports handicappers, and Phil Wood, and former TV anchor Henry Tenenbaum prance around in thongs making out and flashing their manbreasts!!!
SHAR! Demeaning gags with local indian deli owner Shar Pourdanesh!!!