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Monday, January 22, 2007
 
WASHINGTON WIZARDS IN FIRST PLACE!!!

"HOWDYA LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!"

Last time Washington was in first this late in season, Abe and Irene Polin were still throwing their famed "Key Parties"!!!!

Wizards offense is in full gear. Like Dana's Gyno told her last week : "you cant stop it, you can only hope to contain it!"

Suddenly teams, they try to double team Agent Zero, but this just opens up the court since Gil has chicken vision and because just like Danas diagnosis, Wiz are like a three-headed monster:

Streptococci, Staphylococci, Diplococci!!!

What one man can handle penetrating of 3 simuiltaneous Cocci? I didnt think so!

They are like perfect storm of scoring:
Thunder, Lightening, and Soft Breeze Of Brown Velour (blow Antawn, blow!)


SO WE HAVE SOME THINGS TO COVER!!


1.
Agent Steniz gives Wizznutzz more major love!

Why the hell is Agent Steinz so good to us? Is it because of the Intern application from the daughter of Leonard Downie, Jr. that suddenly found its way to the top of the pile? We cannot say! Only one things for sure, there will be an Agent Zero backlash at some point. Its just the way things are. But before that backlash will come a much more wicked and punishing wizznutzz backlash. And when it comes we all just
pray Agent Steinz will be our Oscar Schindler!

"I need Jaarko Ruutu. I need D. Ham. I need Brenadan Haywood. That was the agreement. I must have them. They are on the list. Look at those tiny hands. How else do you expect I am to clean the inside of the munition casings?"

The Bog Catcher also unearths the Wizznutzz in New York Newsday!!

"Whoever came up with that is a genius," Arenas said of his superhero nickname, which first belonged to a comic book mutant but was assigned to Arenas by a blogger. "Whoever came up with that, thank you. I appreciate it."

YOU ARE SO VERY WELCOME GILBERT ARENAS! WE JUST WANT TO PLAY OUR SMALL PART IN THE TAKLEOVER. WE ARE LIKE MUSSOLINI'S DOGWALKERS!

2.
I got an spam email yesterday and it said it was from someone whose name is
"FONZ CHAPMAN"!!!


My thinking is, are we trying to sign this guy?? Go get him Grunz! Get him for the minimum. Combining Fonz and Rex Chapman into one extraordinary man, r u kidding me!!! Fonz Chapman = Instant Fan Favorite!!!

3.
SCOOP JACKSON, THE DERELICT OF DIALECT, TAKES ON AGENT ZERO!!!!!!!

Loyal Wizznutzz Readers know how we feel about SCoop!

you others, well u go read THIS classic INCITE

WE LOVE SCOOP.
we love his pulp afro truisms, the pithy vers libre that he calls "ORIGINATIC" and we call "TERMINATOR X HAS BEEN PLAYING WITH HIS SON'S MADLIBS(tm) AGAIN"

We love the contradictions in his prose.

His drops copy that's taut yet loose, clipped yet ostentatious, its "Spartomaximalist!".

His body of work mirrors his body of flesh: Flyweight Frame, Heavyweight Attitude!
He has an athletes mind and a poets body!

Sure some people complain about Scoop, they say he writes himself into the script more thatn Spike Lee, they say how his punchy profundities are one sentence deep, that his pieces plod along one sentence at a time and then turn around a come back over themselves, like a hopscotch game, they say that Scoop thinks he is a fresh voice, a flamboyant showman but then so do most guys you find wandering around the LA Bus Depot at 2am, and they complain that Scoop's big finale kicker lines are really just re-purposed marketing BL-AXIOMS he boosted from shoe company copywriters like this:

When the shirt arrived it was like Christmas in May.
Witness
That's all it said.
Because that's what we all are.
...Just watch. Witness


and now this:

He tries to make you believe that it is about them, not him.
That he's not the one to occupy the spotlight, that he's not in this moment of his alone.

They all are. The team. Together.

But you're not a fool, are you?


and they say, "Hey Scoop, I also had that Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy CD when i was in college. But I also wore Ocean Pacific courderoy sHorts in High School and even though, yes, i still wear the same shorts, I dont have JC Penny taking pictures of me in them for the latest catalog!"

Yes, thats all true, BUT at least Scoop is the only sportwriter at espn who you can be assured will never utter the word "PAGEANTRY" when talking about sports!!! and thats gotta count for something!


4.
THE MARZIPAN MANCHILD

YAY SPORTS is running a fan fiction contest: you gotta answer the question

"Why Did Kwame Throw The Cake"????


well we cant do it in 500 words or less but we have been asking oursleves the same quesation!!

When the Manchild was sent in exile on his mule we hoped there would be rebirth in the City of Angels. But things dont always work out the way you hope. Like when the killer Jack Henry Abbott was a talented writer, and so Norman Mailer helped him get his book "In The Belly of the Beast" famous, and even helped spring him from jail cuz he was such a great writer, and then a feww weeks later Jack Henry Abbott killed dead a waiter and went right back to prison where he writes his violent sports blog "True Hoop"

People have big, brains of moist complexity, like Scoop calls "Onions" and John Thompson calls "Foreskin Thinking". People have needs and desires and fears they dont even see and they do what they have to do to be at peace. Like how Eddie Murphy can only be comfortable in his own skin if he dresses up in the skin of an elaborate fat suit to play an older physcially aggressive woman who then harrasses his other self in a sexually inappropriate way.

So we try to get to the core of all this using psychoanalism.

(Side note, Kwame and the Cake ranks #2 in wizznutzz all-time list of greatest DC basketball off-court Food and Beverage incidents. The top 6:

#1 Off course its Rod Strickland and CHico DeBarge busted for throwing bottles in a TGI Fridays parking lot.

#2 Kwame Brown and The Cake
#3 Rod Strickland vomitng Half smokes on the bench
#4 Kwame Brown and the French Dressing
#5 Gilberts Talc DOnuts
#6 Jeff Ruland eating 9 live hamsters on Fear Factor)


WE see food-related violence all the time these days with children.
Boy stabs sister for chicken pie,
classmates serve death cake,
burger=murdah,
Dr EVil and the stinky posion cake....

but why is the same happening now with manchildren?? Some ideaz:


ONE
Maybe Kwame was trying to impress Ronnie Turiaf??

WHo wouldnt!? But kwame, just take him ice skating! buy him frozen hot cocao at Serendipity. Or Make him an impressive mix tape of Martinique Zouk music!!

TWO
Kwame was suffering from HYPO GLYCEMIC REBOUND aka sugar rage aka "Lynam's Disease".


I know kwame doesnt get many rebounds but there is proof that food = pain and with Coach jackson force feeding the manchild Butterfingers and shame... well more on that later

THREE
Kwame was just raised wrong.
We know that's not the reason!!!!!
Cuz Kwames Auntie, Altamese Allen and cousin Sissy Bell made sure he always behaved himself like a classy professional at all times!!!

They led by example!



FOUR
This is "POST 9/11 KWAME".

Nervous and jaded and panicky.
We will never be the same and its true for kwame also. He is safe in the warm LA night but in his mind he is always in an Israeli Sbarros, eyeing the guy in the corner who is wearing a heavy coat in mid-July.

FIVE
Kwame was practicing physical comedy that he saw his hero Buster Keaton do on TV.
Everyone loves a food fight! is what kwame was thinking. He lives in a grand silent picture! No wonder the coaches cant get through to him and he prefers to communicate with mascots because of their expert and hilarious mimez!

SIX
Kwame took learnings to heart of the Robert McKee's Screenwriting Seminars he attends in offseason, and hoped a spontaneously thrown cake would be a DEUS EX MACHINA that would neatly and improbably resolve the messy story of his young life.


SEVEN
Kwame suffers from serious BODY DYSMORPHIA


Like many anorexic young "popsicle"-head young celebs: Nicole Richie, Laura Flynn Boyle, Richard Hamilton... kwame has falled victim to the STARVE WARS.

He has 'Adonis Complex'.

he is Strong and Machosensual but when he looks in the mirror he sees something Wrong and 'Nachosensual', something HORRIBLY DIFFERENT:



Like we say, SILENCE=BACON, the body is a battleground not a postmodern playground!! It's a crucible of punishment. "CAKE IS THE ENEMY OF MY THIGHS!!" yells Kwame, like the Cartoon CATHY except that Cathy also had a bad case of middle-class post-lib sexfear and was first ever comic strip character whose vagina committed suicide.




EIGHT
Kwame saw the cake as a tempting material manifestation of himself and sought to destroy it so that he may rise again from the scattered crumbs.


Kwame is like a cake in so many ways: soft, indulgent, flaky, sweet, and very bad for you. Plus if you overheat him, he will collapse like a delicate souffle!!


NINE
Kwame saw the cake as an evil embodiment of ABUSE!!!!


FOOD=FURY!

Kwame left the abusive upbringing of Salieri and Coach Collins aka The Phantom and thought maybe under Phil Jackson it will be different? Phil jackson is a Buddhist he says. well lets have a look at some of his Buddist teachings:

KOAN # 83

Hyakujo, the Chinese Zen master, used to labor with his pupils even at the age of eighty, trimming the gardens, cleaning the grounds, and pruning the trees.

The pupils felt sorry to see the old teacher working so hard, but they knew he would not listen to their advice to stop, so they hid away his tools.

That day the master did not eat. The next day he did not eat, nor the next. "He may be angry because we have hidden his tools," the pupils surmised. "We had better put them back."

The day they did, the teacher worked and ate the same as before. In the evening he instructed them: "No work, no food."


Hmm interesting. biut not as interesting as:

KOAN #127

Zen is like a Butterfinger(tm) pointing at the Moon; once you've seen the Moon, there is no longer any need for the Butterfinger(tm) .

COach Jackson, mandals do not the Maharishi make!

As we say , the 'Tao of Salieri' does not contain enlightenment. It only contains the words "I EAT OATS".

For Kwame the cake represnted his shame. Like Miss Havisham and her musty confections, the cake must never be eaten, it must remain as a reminder of humiliation and bitterness.

Maybe when Kwame dreams, he dreams he is Micky from IN THE NIGHT KITCHEN.

The three evil chefs, Jordan, Collins, jackson have baked Kwame into a big heavy cake of expectations and in his dream he dreams that he breaks out of the doughy cake and plunges, psycholoigically naked, into a giant bowl of milk sceaming

"IM KWAME! IM IN THE MILK AND THE MILKS IN ME!"

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