Wednesday, December 06, 2006
SO a normal quiet day at the offices yesterday. Strindberg dropped by and modelled 4 us the vintage Ocean Pacific courderoy shorts he just got on eBay. It was very Magnum PI in an end of the world sort of way! Then suddnely a fax comes over late last night and HOLY JEFF MALONEY if it isnt signed by exiled former intern CHENIERS GHOST!!! Why "former intern"?? well where to begin. First he had lazy incites, second he started to Tell Ken that he didnt have to live life curled in a mothering hut in the stock room of a circuit city and that kind of talk only gives Ken a "loose mind" and makes his fragile identity that we built up throiugh ruthless discipline fall apart like warm Kraut tumbles to the cold concourse bitumen from an executive frank! Then we find out Cheniers Ghost is working for Holocaust Museum whoich is fine till we find out the museum is in his basement! And finally, he gives secret evidence for prosecution in Mace Webber trial and thats the last straw, and we say "Cheniers Ghost, turn in your beard!" but he doesnt and runs out into the wheaton plaza parking lot aka "exile". Its like regular workplace politics, you know how it is right??
Anyway, the we read the FAX and it explodes our minds, and here it is for you as it was for us:
"Gang, I know I have no right to be contacting you in this way. You always treated me great and I think sometimez i dont derserve this old special beard I keep in my pocket . But let me say I had to run to find out myself who I am and I keep this beard to remind me that maybe one day I can hope to redeem myself for you once again. Well I have done something extreme that I hope will make you proud and maybe start to build a bridge to walk back to you a man, a bridge made of bacon and trust.
You will be reading tomoorow in DC SPorts Bog and Withleather.com about last night and the historic launch of the new GIL ZEROs in New York and about a "rogue intern" and some of it is truths and some of it is more assembled lies that a Jim Lynam resume. I wanted to send this out to tell you my story, to tell you WHAT REALLY HAPPENED LAST NIGHT that washington post editors wont allow.
SO yesterday morning i read that Gils gonna be in NBA store in NYC and I go down to Chitown and buy a roll of toilet paper and grab me a $10 one-way ride on the SARS Xpress. When i get in I am met by Matt from Withleather blog and Agent Steinz. Steinz and I laugh because we are both wearing XXL Rasheed Wallace Bullets jerseys but he also has pants. We are all hungry after the trip so Steinz says he heard a rumor at the paper that because new york just announced ban on Trans Fats that Outback Steakhouse flagship store in NYC has to go thorugh 3 years supply of cooking oils by next spring and so bloomin onions are going 5 for a buck! and not only that but now everything on the menu is "bloomin" now they even have Bloomin Pumpkins! But this turns out not true, so I say to guys, followe me to an old friend! and i take them to 51st and West 9th where Tyrone Nesby is still running his popular hot dog cart!TNez gives us free dogs and we get to talking and when he hears we are going to see Agent zero he gets excited and says "Man the TAKEOVER! Man thats cool. Wish Gil well on the Takeover. I'm down with all that. He can takeover everything, serious. The whole world, but tell him to leave Vilnius for me HAHAH. No seriously, if comes and tries to take over VTown its gonna be a dog fight. Gils gonna have a damn Boer War on his hands."
And then TNes starts freestylin Rakim's "New York New York" in Lithuanian and we roll away still warm with the meats of male companiosnhip.
We still have some time to kill. What should we do now says Steniz? Matt says he always wanted to do the "Real Kramer Tour" taking that bus to all the Seinfeld places, but Steniz says no ones seen the real Kramer since his bus was attacked last week by a the "Real Van Cortlandt Rangers" in SoBro. So Matt says "You want a Kramer tour Ill give you a Kramer tour" and starts droppin N-Bombs on the F Train.
When we stopped running we get thirsty and go to a joint I know called the 'Variety Cafe' where the owners always lets me drink Bud tall tinnies at the table long as they got the red PAID sticker on em. Suddenly Steinz cellfone starts ringing and his eyes bug out cuz the ring tone is Whodini's "Friends" which means AGENT ZERO himslef is on the line!!! Agent Steinz asks us "Quick what are some questions I can ask Gil" and there are so many great questiuons to ask Zero like:
"Have you ever wrestled Susan OMalley?" or
"If Clark Kent works at Daily Planet, and Peter parker works at Daily Bugle, does Agent 0's alter ego work at the City Paper?" or
"Is a dogs soul really shaped like a sausage?"
but with Steinz there on the curb outside Variety my mind goes blinkity blank.!
After Steniz is off the phone and we are hifiving and goosesteppin down 5th ave like Laverne and 2 Shirleys and Im like "OK its almost 6 lets get to the NBA store and stake out a spot" and the guys are like "cool" but then Matts like "I gotta break a dollar, lets go into Playland porn palace real quick" and thats cool with me , Steinz and I figure we can look to see if we can catch MJ abusing some dominican whorez. But no Salieri in site, so while Matts with the change dude, Im like Hey Steinz lets go in this thing called a 'Buddy Booth' and hes like Cool that sounds like a place for two pals to chill out and wait for a buddy, so we go in separate doors and its dark and then next thing I know this wall slides up and I see a sight that would even bring tears to the eyes of "Virgin pete" Ramos!!!! It was like being in the mothering hut again, but being in the mothering hut with Harvey Keitel!!!
Finally we get over to the NBA store. We got some time to kill so Im checking out the gear and the joint is filled with torists and muscle and the security dudes start hassling me. It turns out they have this policy at NBA store:
"You try on Richard jefferson fleece warmups, you put block of cream cheese in pocket of the warmups, you pay."
They got Gil Zero stuff all over and theres a crowd and I slip on my fake beard and try and act cool cuz NBA store has me on a blacklist from the time Rod Strickland was autographing and I presented him with a authentic 1977 Phil Chenier half-smoke to sign in mustard. How wuz I to know he would eat it and retard his insides 4 life???
Steinz had media credenmtials, but turns out they wont accpet Cap Centre "Budweisr Superfest" credentials at NBA store, so only Steniz gets right up close to agent zero. He told us later gil smelled like "sweet creation". I snapped some pics of Steniz sniffing zero:
I got in thee autohgraph line with my cheeseboot and a guy says "you cant have that cheeseboot signed son, you have to buy something adidas" so I drop 90 black presidents on some size 14 Zeros and Im waiting in line, and im getting closer and closer to Gil! And i start getting real nervous... I have so many things I want to say to him, like "why are your kicks low tops Gil, did adidas run out of posssum?" And what should I get him to write? I want it to be perfect, I want my meeting with Gil to be something spoecial. I didnt want to go Free Darko and regret it later. I want to do something spectacular. SO I think back to you guys. I think this is my chance to redeem myself, to earn back my beard! I think "WHAT WOULD THE WIZZNUTZZ DO???!!!! And then i think of Borat. Cause I know the wizznutzz love Borat. Fermented horsse urine, naked man wrestling, child prostitution? Damn thats just the first sentence of basic wizznutzz Steve Blake post. And then I think of the sack I have in my backpack. The sack I carry with me in case I ever find Salieri i can cut off his head and bring it back to DC to display as a warning to greedy drifters to stay away. I would take Salieris head and put it on a tall stick someplace on the beltway or the potomac. Maybe at the Newseum.
And then I see what I have to do ...
and that I have to do it NOW ...
and I rush forward...
WE R BURSTING WITH PRIDE When u r out of jail COME HOME CHENIERS GHOST, COME HOME!!
Read Agent Steniz and Withleathers censored accounts of last night: