Friday, December 01, 2006
I've got to admit that since we interns were moved from the Daily Bacon cubicle to the Bailey's Crossroads Circuit City, it's been difficult to be very productive. Ken is always hogging the Colecovision and claims he is "modding" Agent Zero in Halo II online, while we all know he is really just staring at Congo Bongo. But since everyone was so excited about the Damon Jones ejection a few weeks back, I decided to take it upon myself to proactively (and suggestively!) probe a little deeper into the background of this pansexual nemesis of the Wizz.
Early in my research, I discovered that Damon Jones not only has elaborate gender issues, but he also has an elaborate web presence! His fascinating use of the .biz URL suffix is probably only trumped by his annointment of Royal Ivey as the NBA's best dancer in his blog!!
Q: Name an NBA player who would be a good candidate for "Dancing With The Stars." A: [Atlanta guard] Royal Ivey. He's an awesome dancer. Because he doesn't have a huge name, everyone doesn't know his background. But he spent six years in dance school in upstate New York before going to the University of Texas.
While playing college ball at Houston, Damon became heavily involved in musical theater. Damon worked his way up the ranks tirelessly, eventually serving patiently as an understudy to the role of Annie, popularized by Ethel Merman, in a summer stock production of Annie Get Your Gun. His big break came when lead actor Shelly Rothstein was unable to perform and Damon got to make his onstage debut in August 1997. Damon does not have as much time for studying librettos these days, but Cleveland fans have been beckoning him to take up a summer residency with the local repertory theater. They have even taken to booing his athletic accomplishments on the homecourt hardwood!
Maybe Damon dot-Biz can leave the NBA behind and bring equal parts Royal Ivey and Bob Fosse to life in a stirring contemporary remake of the Pajama Game! It is well-documented how much the Queen James enjoys opulent ornamentation and an extravagant new-Ohio high-handed lifestyle, so perhaps Dot-Biz can give birth to a new age of Ziegfeld's Follies by the smoldering shores of the Cuyahoga. But he is not a one-trick pony. Alas, Damon Dot-Biz is a renaissance man. A renaissance man in the traditional DaVinci sense, not the DeVito sense.
It is well-documented that Dot-Biz is heavily interested in fashion. In fact, he even refers to himself as "Specialist Beau Brummel" and is known to flaunt perfectly starched linens and elaborately tied cravats around the Cleveland locker room. Cleveland owner Dan Gilbert (founder of "Biz-dom U" - they are a natural pair!) was widely quoted off-record after the signing of Dot-Biz that he was hoping to unite Damon with the Queen and usher in a new age of dandyism in Cleveland.
Of course, Dot-Biz first developed a name for himself as a clotheswhores while playing for the Miami Heat, during which time he regularly made appearances at Esteban Cortezar's swanky fashion shows. Damon was drawn to the look, which is described as "flamenco dancer goes Hollywood"!! Putting the Biz back in dot-biz, he even reacted to Yao Ming's international appeal by launching his own line of Chinese footwear. He thinks he is a trendsetter, but he forgets about Ike Austin's endorsement of General Tzo. And for those of you non-fashionable types who may need some wardrobe advice, Damon says that he hates cashmere scarves for this winter season as much as the stout bitch hates headbands.
Yes, it's clear that dot-biz's love for fashion is only rivaled by his loves of musical theater and emerging talents in the dilettante scene. On a positive note for Wizz fans, at least when dot-Biz gets ejected, we do not run the risk of seeing him sexually marginalized on the Verizon floor again by the Queen.
She is more erotically punishing to her servants than Catherine the Great was to her mules!!
