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Sunday, October 01, 2006

When you have small, stoney hands it's hard to do anything on your own, which is why Brenda Haywood always takes a friend into the bathroom with her. The mangina isn't an easy place to reach.

But it was especially scary when Brenda had to make her first appearance in an Easterns Motors ad. She was terrified of doing it alone, like when Brenda has to go in the paint, one on one, against a musty, mossy Shaq, or when she has to single-handedly block a driving Eddie Griffin but he's got his penis out and he's jacking it while offering to buy everyone in the front row a used Honda S65 ("But not the S90, greedy bitches").

But luckily Brenda only had to make a brief appearance in the Eastern Motors ad, and she was supported and surrounded by superstars like Laver Anus Coles (that's how it's pronounced in Madden 2004!!!!), LaVar Arrington, Clinton Portis, Carmello "Snitches End Up in Ditches" Anthony and Detroit Lions RB Kevin Jones, who incidentally was the Mel Farr Rookie of the Year in 2004. And as everybody in Motown knows, fuck an Easterns Motors and call "Mel Farr Superstar for a Far Better Deal!!!"

Check Brenda's Cameo (word up):

Brenda's getting ready for her contract year, so she spent this summer stretching her hands on the rack and moistening them several times a day with God's lubricant. Also, in order to strengthen her paws she's been doing ballet and giving free massages to anybody who asks. ("It worked for Jahidi," Brenda said with an uncomfortable laugh between drags on a Kool.)

Brenda also worked on her confidence this summer by taking an improv class at Montgomery College Community College: "This is Agent Brenda Scarn, FBI! You're dead!!!! POW POW POW!!!"

And she joined Donell Taylor and Constable Hayes in a series of 3-on-1 games versus this tiny manchild in order to build up their collective self-esteem.

All that erotic stretching and play-acting is now paying off because Brenda is starring in HER VERY OWN COMMERCIAL for Easterns Motors, complete with DJ Tittsworth's Baltimore club mix of the company's bangin' theme song!!!!!

And Brenda, never mind what Jared said to you: That improv class totally paid off. Like, in the ad, when you stood up out of that tiny car and said, "You have anything more my size?" we were like "OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!" And you did!!! Confidence is so beautiful. It'll be so great to see you use your acting skills this season the first time an exasperated Coach Eddie takes you out of a game early!!!!!!

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posted by wizznutzz