What a long imperfect summer, but it comes to a cold stop now that the loons have stopped singing except in Wes Unselds head as he stares upon Golden Pond as it forms below his trouser leg. Its awesome to be back even though incites are flabbier that Darius Songailia. Sike we love The Song of the South, Zippity DOO DAH, his PR teams says he loves being here and wanted to get off ona good foot with the media and sent us this publicity foto with writing "We look forward to working with you this year!"
But what a summer for the Wizards, so many changes, ANdray Blatche is embarrassedly insisting on washing own sheets all of a sudden, but also roster changes.
I havnt seen so many slow white athletes since Norway hosted the Special Olypics in 92!!!!
But the wizznutzz have been taking it easy because a genius called DAN STEINBERG is doing our work for us. Dan Steinberg is new blogger who is best writer ever born, even better than Franklin W. Dixon ("Chet breathed a sigh of relief" OMG a genius!) and even better than Tom Knott, whose columns are like a footrace between Self-Loathing and Jealous-Rage and a footrace that has no finish like the Grunfeld honeymoon. DSTeinz awesome blog aka ALL THE BLACK PRESIDENTS MEN maybe makes us obsolete, maybe we are Jonah now and he is Jarvis?? But DSteinz is a Media Assassin and now he has the ear of Gilbert arenas and the rest of the team and maybe we have a powerful friend now cause low and beholy jesushe is pitching our Agent Zero brand to the black president!!!
And Agent Zero? "Ooooh, I like that, I like that," he said. He repeated "I like that" several times.
"I should have named them Agent Zeros," he said. "That's the next name. That's Part Two."
Dan the cheeseboots are in the mail because its all about positioning the brand when its not about rear-loading the product. Get a cheeseboot on Big Oily cause hes like Russia market, a big rustic virgin waiting to be conquered!!!
But Gilbert says he has other nicknames on the table, like :
"The Stealth" (WAY TOO JAN MICHAEL VINCENT GIL) "Zero To Hero" (Much Too close to Kevin Duckworths slogan "Zero To Hero To Hoagie And Back To Zero")
Plus he has already NEW TOP SECRET ADIDAS KICKS HITTING THE SHELVES:
Not BAD, I like the NIL sign logo, it suggests qualities of gils game: the perfect circle, the laws of nothingness, the Hegelian tension between the void and pure being (which Gilbert knows better then anyone since he spooned between PJ Ramos and Kwame Brown his rookie year)
2K7 Agent Zero DuckPin Waders!!! Supple leather knee high uppers protect from Squirrel bites!
This has just been start of One Crazy Summer for Gilbert Arenas. The Coq diesel has gone CHockity Choko. Like we warned last year he is best quote in the NBA. WHos a better quote in world even? Maybe Winston Chruchill if he had Tourettes would be better but just you try sending DubCHurch to Best Buy to buy you a rap cd !
Now summers over and the boys are back from summer of love in Miami and Gilbert is acting all cold to Awvee, like in the movie Grease when Danny snubbed Sandy. Before they were so close, Awvee would spray antiseptic into Gils bowlers every night while he slept, but now Awvees all like "Youve changed Gilbert! I hate you I never want to see you again!"! in his worst Andrew gaze accent. But its Awvee needs changing, into leather pants and blonde wig to get his man back
POSTERCHICKEN giant Gilbert Arenas billboard goes up downtown, with giant slogan that says:
"GO ALL IN"
Which SUperfan Sasha tells us is already a slogan, taken by:
NO one should make a joke about Hirsoshima. Because Hirsoshima is like 1998 Bullets: it caused great shame for all mankind and because both had their fate horrifically changed forever by a bombsquad.
The new Gil Billboard was pasted over the old Mitch Richmond one, slogan "Touch The Sky" but rain and dirt had worn down paper so it just read "ouch e s"
COLOR ME BADD
Gilbert aka Cape Fear showed off all his new tattoos. First he got giant Tony the Tiger face because "tiger is king of the jungle" Maybe in India gilbert! But in Urban jungle, Chicken is king!
Then He cribbed from JC's "His Pain Your Gain" and tweasked it to read "My Pain My Gain" which is kind of in the spirit of Jesus, if Jesus was a cutter maybe. But then in turned out it wasn't even an original idea, since Steve Blake has lower back ink says: "My Pain His Gain"
RUB A DUB SNUB
Gilbert suits up and goes to war for his country in world champs but Mike San Antonio and Coach Mike Kvetchteste give him dishonorable discharge, worse dishonorable discharge than you get from a angry Serbian whore at the Charles oakly carwash.
Gilbert SNUBBED BY HIS COUNTRY! Nothing worse than nation snub, just ask Julius and Ethel Rosenberg and Aaron Burr and Bryan Adams.
Gilbert vows to get revenge on Coach K, enrolls at Brown University, minor in semiotics, major in payback!!
Over caffeinated Gilbert and his 13 XBoxes got humbled by some white punks BUT if you cant beat em, join em!!!
SO Gilbert goes and sponsors Final Boss HALO team - like a Black Max Dugan! He took em to Abercrombie! Agent 0 breaks HALO color barrier! FInally blacks in gaming management! He wants to be Bernie Bickerstaff of HALO!
One kid also said Gilbert was "coolest guy I ever met". Hey son, hes also the blackest you ever met!
There hasn't been this kind of buzz with an NBA baller and video games since Q-Bert machine at the Rockville Pike PuttPutt had high score reading: KUPCHK84
In Video games a Final Boss is the last big bad guy you have to defeat. Maybe in gilberts world he sees life like a HALO gamm, and he is gunning for his final boss. Is it Queen james? Lord VOldemort? Sleep?
PITCHING A TENT
Agent Zero had Colorado Altitude Training convert his bedroom into barometric pressure chamber aka presidential biodome aka THE SMOTHERING HUT!!!! This is incredible!
Now Washington Wizards are turning into the Paul Simon song: "The boy in the bubble AND the baby with the baboon heart" !! These ARE the days of miracle and wonder!
I know what you are asking and YES he got an O-Kennell for his Pitbulls too!!!
They sold Gilbert on idea that sleeping at 9000 ft in thin air, aka DEATH ZONE, he will have extra hi-NRG in the 4th quarter.
BUT C.A.T. are SNAKE OIL salesmen gilbert. Don't forget time someone sold Avery Johnson a HELIUM tent to sleep in to get LITE but he just shrunk and got his voice damaged for all time. And don't u remember lessons from documentary THE Air Up There where Kevin Bacon went to Africa mountains to get superfit hi-altitude afro giants and ended up becoming a human slave trader and then being naked in Hollowman?
Gilbert they told you they can "bring Colorado to you" but have you been to Colorado?? Its not just fitness skiers and army men, its rolly polly white simpletons mostly, and since it has no mass transit, they will be wandering about your house banging up against your plastic walls like greased pigeons flying into a pane.
Please w e ask that you think hard about the following Hazards of movin on up to Hi-altitude living:
1. Dogs with altitude sickness 2. Undercooked Pastas 3. Trapping smells! Calvin Booth comes by for Cuban food and now you live in a fume hood. 4. Hi altitude affects cognitive abilities. Youll be living in a "crazy tent", too crazy even for you. You will invite men into your crazy tent to tattoo tiger chickens on youir chest 5. Worst You will have to deal with that old assistant coach guy Tom Young coming by gassing up and going Blue Velvet on you "MOMMY! BABY WANTS TO F**K!"
They say science to the tent is to reduce Oxygen to you to make your blood work for you but if you want aiur sucked out of the room, why not just invite Michael WIlbon over????
Or use coach Lynams old technique of smoking 2 packs while jumping rope?
Or be like Charles Shackleford and train in offseason with two roast hams tied to your ankles?
3 PIECE PARADISE
In his biodome Gilbert tells DSteinz he passes time working on a 1800 piece puzzle! This continues in DC puzzler tradition which included Lorenzo Williams placing adult personals under pseudoname "RUBIKS SNAKE" and Bullets GM John Nash paying 50,000 dollars in rights fees for what he thinks is a large Chinese center called "Su Doku" Gilbert says his puzzle is a "jungle" scene but hes only done 3 pieces cause lack of oxygen makes him mental so how does he know?
Maybe he is trying to complete the infamous unsolveable ZERO PUZZLE?
Or maybe it's a LARGE FARM KNOB PUZZLE! Large Farm Knob Puzzle? Wasn't that the big buggery case Constable Hayes cracked last year?