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Tuesday, October 24, 2006


The Agent Zero preseason confessional just keeps going and going and going like Energizer bunny and Dana backstage at the DeBarge reunion show!!!

Agent Zero hops on his NBA Blog aka Gods Jaberwocky and mite as well have drilled a hole in my skull and scooped out my mind like so much Lik M Aid.

To review some of the amazery:

-Gilbert buys Geisha Wagon for his dad.
What were they all out of "Remains Of The Day" Bentleys?

-Gilbert meets with "financial" to discuss master plan for world control he calls THE TAKEOVER.
Dont be afraid tho, its a benevolent powergab, u may say its facism but its some George Foreman Facism

"The TAKEOVER" includes three key steps:

1. Opening restaraunts.
Zero's Bacon Bowl? Masterchiefs? Couch Burger? Twitchies? TGIMadness?
Put your suggestions in the comments box!

2. The Annexation of Wheaton Plaza.
Lord & Taylor converted to prison camp renamed "Wheaton Velodrome"
Spencer Gifts mounts fierce underground resistance, distributes edible panties to hungry jews!

3. Political Influence

I want politicians coming to me and asking me for advice ...
I know nothing about politics, but, hey. So if I can control the people in D.C., then they have to come talk to me.

I love this! How would this work?
Would Gilbert flip his special coin and play "Two-Up" to decide the fate of condemned criminals?

Would Anthony Williams drop by to ask how to find the plasma grenades in the ROlling Thunder level?

Would power brokers bring by rare Darvin Ham Talk n Text Phone Pals road jerseys to curry favor?

Would Senators drop by Gilberts hyperbaric tent seeking wisdom, like Agent Zero was some sort of Low altitude oracle?? WOuld they come into the tent and gil's manservant Awvee storey asks them to remove their shirts out of respect and they would sit with Gilbert, and the air would be thick with canadian hamburger but thin in oxygen and then they would have to complete one piece of Gilberts giant puzzle as an offering and then they would ask their question and gilbert would pause and then say a cryptic proverb with his eyes shut, like:

"you cant wake a person who is pretending to be asleep on the couch"


"Bambi. Quick! The Thicket!"

And then a feeling of pure enlightenement and clarity moves over everyone aka brains begin to asphyxiate, and two months later DC council breaks ground on dogs-only Metro!

But most awesome thing about "The Takeover" is that the WIZZNUTZZ can relate to it, since, yes, we had our own TAKEOVER plan (The Bacon Reich), when we first started 4 years ago, but fate had a way of changing our plan:


When we first started our blog we had nothing but some Gheorge Muresan floating heads javascript and a dream...
... we wanted to get Llorenzo Williams' jersey hung from the rafters of the Capital Center.. But team president Susan OMalley insisted that they would first have to remove the jersey from Llorenzos body, so we killed the petition.

We then decided on way to give back to community by helping others help themselves with a program we called:


First we provided venture capital for podiatric cheese-making technology that ended up being an extraordinary product we call THE Ike Austin CHeesebootTM that uses what u call "The Foot" but we call "the thermodynamic wonder" to create delicous cheese product while you just walk around for only pennies a day !!!

Then we are eating some foot cheese one day with Ike Austin aka "The COmplete Package" spokesman and Ike says, "You know Im very much against poor people and crack stabbings" and a light goes off on our heads and we launch "Uggs for Drugs" where we offer an exchange program: you bring in your drugs, and no questions asked, we exchange to you a brand new pair of australian sheep fleece CHeezeboots "As worn on Oprah" so poor drug types can trade in their self destructive ways for self-Productive WHEYS! and make a new start going into business for themselves so where they had despair they now have pride.


Uggs for DrugsTM was going awesome and we thought we had found our purpose but all that changed in a big way one rainy october night when something stumbled into the backyard. It was a naked man but not totally a man , we knew that because of the unformed nipples, and no neck and little possum arms that were clawing at its face and it was yelling "No Fatha ouchies, no fatha ouchies!!!!" And the creature had a shiny medical bracelet on its wrist that said "Ledell Eakles Prototype 3BETA. Nonviable. Destroy At Maturity." And we realised THEN AND THERE that when Abe Pollin talked about "Breeding A Winner" at the Capital Center that it was a different kind of breeding and we had to do all in our power unmask these genetic crimes.


When the Cap Center was finally destroyed taking with it the terrible In Vitro Farm and with Mugsy and Manute and Gheorge in protective quarantine we had nothing to do all of sudden and were vulnerable and were talked into a dark partnership with Saginaw Mayor Wilmer-Jones Ham

Wilmer is mother of our own Darvin Ham is how we got manipulated.
Wilmer is very ambitious politically and she had secret plan to assassinate the president of USA!!! Her plan was to 'Repurpose the Psyche' aka brainwash her very own robot assassin son using hypnosis and punishment-bacon-reward sciences from North Korea. But the plan backfired badly and Washington Wizards had to hire Air Marshalls to stop naked Darvin from storming the cockpit everytime Christian Laettner played the Queen Of Hearts during team bridge games. Wilmer Ham wept and promised us to dismantle her plans but then this summer Lonnie Baxter was arrested squeezing of rounds outside of White House and Homeland security officials report Juice Newton greatest hits CD was found playing in SUV moments before Lonnies odd ways.!!!


But then our lives changed forever when we fell in love with Gilbert Arenas and we fall harder than Wes Unseld in a Jet Blue toilet and we decide to devote rest of our days to promoting and spreading the gospel of all things AGENT ZERO.

And we work hard , harder than bees, harder that a 23Jumpman Malaysian seamstresses to get out the word, and we were proudly joined in our mission by loyal friends Jamie and Mr SKeets and Dan Steinberg and DCist and Will and Marcel and more and tireless campaigning of honorary intern Unsilent Majority and then last Friday we finish reading Gilberts Blog and we read these life changing words:

I have a pair of my signature shoes, and I can't believe I got my own shoe. That's amazing! They're the Gil Zeros. I had a thousand names for them.

I think the new name is Agent Zero.

Oh that's hot.

Whoever made that "Agent Zero" up gets a percentage.


All the televisions in our headquarters at the wheaton Circuit City flickered and went silent and blue for just a second. As we read those words a deep calm seemed to fill the air and hearts like all of mankinds souls leaving their bodys and holding hands across the sky. Patrick Ewing's soul left his body and went and got some baked beans but he still held hands while he ate them. Time stood still and endless for just that good moment and a deep warm perfect bliss hung in the sky and everywhere everyone was good and everything was right for just that moment and big , thick salty tears began to run down our cheeks, congealing slowly like bacon fat on morning's first plate and somewhere in a cold Atlanta parking lot intern August Strindberg stumbled out from a strip club, and looked up at the young sun and let his tattered overcoat fall open and welcomed its great warmth upon his face, and then grimaced, leaned forward and vomited on his shoes.

Whoever made that "Agent Zero" up gets a percentage.

Wow when Gilbert's TAKEOVER is complete we could ask him for just about anything in the world that our hearts desire!!!! but NO we dont want anything from you except respect and a smile to know our work has reached you. Sure there are some things we would REALLY like that you could do for us, like some signed Agent Zeros, or maybe to free all the chickens, or if you could fast track our adoption of Ty Lue, or maybe just if you could make "Bullets Fever" be national anthem for Mexico. You could use the alternate finals version so their customs wont be offended.

CJ y Larry, Gregorio, Jose y Mitch
Dirigiram el equipo de la bomba en la zanja!

All men need pride, and all pride needs a song. Even in Mexico.

We don't need rewards because what we did we did for love. You think JC rolled up after the ressurrection and went to the Disciples and was like "Yo Simon, JT, Bart, I been with Financial. SHits blowing up bigger than the Beatles. Heres a little something for your hard work" and stuffed thick enevelopes of sheckles into their sportcoats? "Judas, dog, your cut is down behind the abandoned metalworks by the river. The boys will take you down there tonight so yo getting what you deserve."

We just want to be with you on The Takeover!
We're with you Pleather! Together our combined powers will be amazing. Like Pollin and O'Malley, TC and Rick, Moominpapa and Moominmama.

You have fame, money, influence.
We have a mothering hut and a pair of boxers autographed in cream cheese by Steve Buckhantz!


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posted by wizznutzz