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Sunday, October 29, 2006


SO it was just 2 weeks ago when Esquire had the greatest article ever about Agent Zero that stone cold blew our minds and just as we gathered our wits around us like 2-pair of Terry Davis gameworns Mike Wise delivers a very special Agent Zero profile that is maybe just the greatest sports writing ever written. Its even greater than More Than An Athlete, or Manute, Center Of Two Worlds, or Thing's I Learned From Jahidi or The Devil Wore Fubu and EVEN the Steve Buckhaantz Memoir "I Moved Your Cheese"

Its a big, ambitious, stunning, emotionally compelling incite supreme. The prose is turgid, even pliant. The tone is nuanceful. Even Tom Knott would have to lift his bloated face out of the bowl of soup and exclaim "Mike Wise can write like a possum baptising a thesaurus!"

Its a moving story about the bravery of a young Reagan-era crack baby who rose to the top with self-determination and the love of a father and its also the story of as young woman broken by addiction and regret. These arent the kind of things the wizznutzz make japes about. Ok well i guess we do, but when you think about your own mom doing "snow" or someother drug with a spooky 80s name and not being there for you well it just hangs in our guts like last weeks pom noisettes.

But are are some lighter moments to be found in the piece.


-We find Gilberts Dad was know by the soap set as "GIL THE THRILL"!!

-Gil was at the birth of his daughter! It wasnt a tom cruise scientology "Silent brith" but Gil did put his Halo game on mute!

-We finally meet "The Others", Gilberts mom of course and also his babys mama whose part Hawaiin and part litigious, and Gils Cuban cigar-rolling greatgrandpa called "Hippolito" which means Little Hippo, and Gilberts crazy Half-brother "BLUE" who wants to be a detective. A steel handgun in your jean-shorts pocket does not a Tubbs make. Keep an eye on Blue. Seriously.

-Gilbert spent last year ducking and weaving to avoid his girlfriends lawyers and the organization went ALL IN to protect him including recalling Gheorge Muresan to act as a suit spotter and giving Donnell Taylor a roster spot just so he could act like a Saddam Hussein style body double. Now I understand whay happened in the playoffs last year when Lebron slapped his hand on gilberts chest and gil blew the free throws he can normally make eyes wide shut. He missed em cuz he thought he was being served!!!

Like a dozen canadian burgers, its alot to swallow.

And we have already waited too long to comment on the Gilbert Arena ESquire article for some days. We just were not ready. You dont go into the Mothering Hut until you have burned your family photos and taken salt tablets. But now we are. Like Mike Wise looked into Agent 0's heart, we have looked into his mind. Everyones saying oh Gilberts plain crazy, hes HALO's Howard Hughes, but as wizards trainer and alternative healer Steve Stricker revelaed last year, Gilbert is an Indigo child, a WAYSHOWER and to understand his ways takes time and takes professionals, so we consulted mental professionals called "Analists"

"Oh I kow what an Analist is you say, thats like Tim Legler is a TNT Analist!!!! "
Yes maybe thats true but thats one kind of Analist. TLegzz is an Analist for sure!!. But Tleggz is also an orange and chino noise shark and he must use circular breathing and greenies to make nonstop noise for if he stops is his fear that he shall be forever silent. He is the anal wind floating in a bubble on the bathwater of Cable pre-gamezzz. TLegzz analisis is a relentless mating call into the void. Who is the mating call for I dont know and i dont want to know but I know that whatever it is it probably had 7-elevens Big Bites for lunch.

But the analists I am talking about are called "Psychoanalists" and follow from a man called Sigmund Freud.

WHo in Great Grevey's Ghost is Sigmund Freud?

Well hes only the father of psychoanalyisis which means he talked to his own penis ands his penis told him of the mysteries of mans desires. And he was the first ever "MILF Hunter"!!!

SO we talked to PsychoanalistsTM and they helped us break into the brain of Gilbert Arenas and when we got inside gilbert had left out a plate of canadian hamburgers and vitamin water for us because gilbert himself says "IM NOT QUIRKY!" and to prove it he handed out "No Quirks" necklaces made of Alphabits cereal at his weekly puppet show.

This is what we found:

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He wants nothing more than the familiarity of running the stairs in his home arena--the skit-skit-skit of his feet on the cement treads, the bass line of his own breathing, the deep ache of muscles tested once more-until the hours have passed. He doesn't care what the clock says.


This means he wants to succeed so much and overcome his snubs that he is just trying too hard. He wants always to be better, so he trains and trains and doesnt even sleep and plots The Takeover and he is an insomniac and he even trains his dogs too hard because he suffers also from Hyperintention By Canine Proxy

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He is simply dealing with time. There is so much of it in the NBA. It's the thing that surprised him the most when he came into the league. There's practice at 1:00, there's a game at night, and that's it. Even though it's late, there are so many hours left to fill until he will find sleep on the couch in his bedroom that night.

The subject has a five-and-a-half-foot-tall safe in his basement full of jerseys of great NBA players past and present. They're all signed, too. Each of them is in a plastic bag, each numbered and cataloged.

The subject harbors plans to build a basketball court made of glass.

It is Wednesday, the day after movies are traditionally released on DVD, and the subject piles up purchases at a local video store. He collects with no particular agenda in mind. He's just hungry for more. He grabs the new releases first, two and three at a time, piling them against his chest like a stack of library books. He is not picky. On this day his haul includes The Libertine, The Matador, Basic Instinct 2, three submarine movies, a dance movie, two romances, and a handful of comedies. As the stack grows higher, he slows. How many does he plan to buy today? "I usually stop when I get to here," he says, holding a finger to his chin. He doesn't know when he will watch them, or even if he ever will. Back at home, in the supremely carpeted media room of his cozy, overcouched theater, he has a hard drive capable of holding more than ten thousand titles. Ask him and he'll tell you he wants them all. All the movies. Ever. "


Sublimation is a coping mechanism for refocussing extra hiNRGs to other outlets. Gilbert can only do some much to work on his game so when hes still bouncing off walls he collects, he puzzles, he bowls and finds safety in objects.

In fact Gilberts entire basketball career is the product of sublimation. SInce first time he picked up a basketball and said "Are you my Mother?" gilbert has refocussed his energy from his pain into hoops. All his success is built on the broken ruins of his childhood.

A man called Frankl wanted to be a Mascot for the Roanoke Dazzle, but when team doctors discovered his allergy to flame-retardants he had to "SUMBLIMATE" his desires and so he became a famous psychologist and he believed that when we rush to do all these things at once its hiding attention from the "existential vacuum" and that we all fear the meaninglessness, the hole, the huge zero in our lives so we try and fill it with things and hobbies. We are all trying to fill our time. Frankl called it the "SUnday Neurosis" and Phil Chenier calls it "Breakfast"!!!

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Lately I've been dreaming I'm playing basketball on a desert island.
That's all there is on the island-just the court, water lapping right up to the edge of the blacktop. It's just water all out there. Deep. Then I notice there are fans out in the waves, circling us.

I was so depressed that I wasn't playing that I didn't want to go out. I'm gonna stay and do sit-ups or jumping jacks. And I'm not gonna come out. Not till morning. There's nothing out there for me. I don't know those cities. I don't know where to go. I don't have any people. Other guys will be out, the steak house, the clubs, just rollin'. Me, I'm fine. Time is falling off. Sun's coming up. I'm doing more sit-ups than the night before. I'll watch three or four movies. I'll watch infomercials.


Gilbert built his tent and made his couch and now he wants to sleep on it. He is Private Zero, he texts, he watches Bambi II, and if youre a lady keep your chips to yourself when the dealings done - don't be bringing those forced cuddles his way!! Some say this is strange but we say its ESTRANGE.

SO why then is Zero sequestering himself??
Its like he is quarantined but unlike Rod Strickland this quarantine doesn't involve Baileys Crossroads Center For Disease Control and a Chinese pork ban.

Why is Gilbert hiding himself away deeper than Calvin Booth in a box score???

Well for one thing he has been hiding from his girlfriends Lawyers.
But if you asked a man named Heidegger, who invented a magic 8 Ball you don't EVER want to shake, he will tell you that "self-estrangement" means agent zero is confronting the fears of an unauthentic life. An "unauthentic life" is when your have a public ego which is like the big billboard version of yourself outside the Verizon center, but inside you are wrestling with lifes banality, which is like wrestling with Awvee Storey but in your brain instead of the team bus.

Maybe you ask: what does "Banal" mean?

Well think of it like this:

Banal is to "Anal" what BMitch is to "Mitch".
Its is boringness and irrelevancy and bland.

Mister Freud's penis told him all men have 2 drives going on at same time fighting each other. There is THANATOS which is drive toward breaking apart all life, and there is EROS which is drive to stop that drive and live like a TruWarior. And then there is RAMOS, which is the slow pointless drive back to a Roanoke Best Buy.

The good newz is that by alienating himself Agent Zero is discovering and saying "yo whats up Malfoy"to the vanity and banality and zeroness all around him so that he can then return to an authentic full existence. And then he will GO ALL IN and dive back into the vagina and be reborn! (Sweet, I hope Chick Hearn does a Wizards Magazine on that!!!!)

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It's the Cavs versus the Wizards all over again, except this time Gilbert has the Cavs. He knows every kink of NBA 2K6-and how to exploit it. He has shifted LeBron to guard and put his team in a game-long full-court press. He is playing against his video-game self and doesn't like the way John is using him. "You gotta get me square to the basket," he says as the Game Gilbert misses a shot from twelve feet. "You gotta get two point guards in there." There's a minute and a half left, and Real Gilbert is up by 191. Then Game Gilbert gets a steal and throws a long pass-only to have LeBron pick it off. "Sorry, Gilbert," says Gilbert. "You can't stop the King."

When I get a new cell phone, first thing I do is turn it off and call from my house phone and leave stupid little messages to myself. Like: "It's me." "It's me." "This is Gilbert." "It's me." "It's Gilbert."


There is more to choose from here than the Livestock Registry at COnstable Hayes' wedding!

Gilbert seems to have split off from himself. He talks to himself in third person and plays against himself in NBA 2K6. Dissociation is sometimes part of a personality disorder, like when there are many personalities in 1 body. This isnt the same as Jahidi Whites disorder which is no personalities in many bodies.

Why is Gilbert splitting off like this?

Well first clue is that he plays the role of LeBron james and torments himself. We all know from their last meeting that Queen james is a Crimson King and a nasty whore, and the dead baby that was still born into the toilet of A-ME!ME!ME!-RICAN consumerism and he is also a ritual abuser. Queen james slapped Agent Zero about and gave him LOW ALTITUDE ESTEEM and then gave him a flaming case of STOCKLHOLM SYNDROME.

Stockholm syndrome is when you sympathise or admire your tormentors. Its also known by other names as "Stolen bride Syndrome" and "Capture Bonding" and "Steve Blake".

As we say before, we have a Scandanavian intern Jarkko Ruuto and he says in Stockholm its just known as "The Syndrome" or "Anstalt Krakas" (Homesickness) and that the most popular holiday in Sweden (after Christmas and Last Day of the Ponies) is "Forkommen Sjal", a week "of stolen souls" where kids around Sweden line up to wait for department store Plagoande, who is a beloved skinny captor figure in olive trousers and black hood, and when your turn in the line comes, Plagoande takes you and blindfolds you and takes you into a back room and leaves you for a week at end of which you leave HIM a present. Happy Holidays! HIT ME!

Its just a survival strategy from Darwin days, like Manute Bol grew 8 foot tall so he could spot lions on the horizon and Mike Ruffin developed a fear of squirrels so he wouldnt play on electric lines, so gilbert attaches himself to the nearest powerful person thinking even if he is humiliated he will be protected

This behavior could also be an example of something they call "INVERTED NARCISSISM" this is someone who craves the company of narcissists and LeBron James is narcissist second only to Salieri Jordan. Wizznutzz have our name for "invereted narcissists" as you well know:


Christian Laettner, MULE!
Coach Collins, MULE!
Charles Oakley, MULE!
Leonard hamilton, MULE

Gilberts disconnectedness may also be the result of his close relationship with his Pops. They are both a bit nutso and competitive and their lives together are a "follies a deux" (madness in twosome). Gilbert says he is his dad and his dad is him and dad gives him love but man is it some tuff love:

Since I was small my dad and I have always been friends. He was never really hard on me. He never really pushed me to basketball. It was like, "Dad, can I play?" And he straight told me, "You suck. You're not good enough for this team! You can sit over there and be my assistant coach." So I used to get teased all the day, and when he leave I used to go practice by myself. And then one day I had the opportunity to prove him wrong and I did. From there, it's always competition, no matter what; video games, dominoes...

The first name he brings up every time: Dwyane Wade. "Well, did you see what Dwyane Wade did tonight? Dwyane Wade has four dunks, three reverse lay-ups, if you was talented like him..." and I'm like "Man!" And I'll be like, "Dad, are you going to come to any of the games?" He's like, "No. You guys are playing the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. I'm gonna come when Dwyane Wade comes to town or Kobe."

Hamslam! You think when Gil Sr. tells his son about how he hit a dinger in the weekend softball game that Gil Jr is like "Big deal, I bet Pat Morita hit 2" or when Sr. invited Jr to his wedding thats coming up, Gilbert is all like, "Maybe Ill come. is Phillip Michael Thomas gonna be there? You call me when you are getting married and Tubbs is gonna show"

Gilbert idolizes dad so much and wants to follow his examples. just look at how now Gilberts having kids of his own and hes breaking his back to make sure they are raised properly by 2 single parents! And Sr is jealous i guess since he has always been in his sons shadows, even when Gilbert was only two, he would still help dad get handouts and hand___s from strangers!

And now dad is playing adult-sibling rivalry but even worse he compares Gil to Wade so its Adult Rival-Rivalry! No wonder Gilbert is confused.

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Dr Freud was most famous of all his incites for his Five Stages of "Psychosexual" Development (though if he had lived long enough to see Wes Unseld he would have added so many more.)

It is like Gilbert is going through all these stages at once right now:

On the road, I eat hamburgers every day. The team tries to get me to eat differently, but no. Burgers, burgers, burgers. I like burgers. McDonald's burgers. Wendy's burgers. Burger King burgers. There's this one place in Canada--I even look at the schedule to find out when we play there--best burger I've ever tasted. Real soft and sweet. I ate twelve of them in one night.


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I'll watch infomercials. The last thing I bought was this colon cleanser. I just got talked into it. I'm like, Man, he makes it sound so good.


Freud was an assman no doubt, but anal stage is about actions not satisfactions. When a baby is learning to use the potty he has to learn to control his urges and so if you are an adult you are "Anal" if you are trying too much to control and are fussy and organised and uptite which Agent Zero is Mister TidyBowl in this way. But buying a colon cleaner could mean that Gil suffers from something much scarier:


Shit shame is a very serious condition. Lots of celebrities have it. They clean ass like no ones business. If you live in LA its how you deal... your character got written out of Joey? Call the plumber! What are reasons for this fecal loathing? Some think its cause caca reminds man of his mortality and that he is rotting and decrepid and they get "corporeal terror" . Maybe they have point. I mean we all like bacon but have you seen bacon after its spend hard time in the Bacon Tomb??

And Some think it reminds us of our impurity and badness like gastric smut.
For celebrities like Howie Mandel or janet jackson the unwelcome reminders of privy netherpongs threaten to collapse the very simulacra that is fame and fashion.

Gilbert wouldnt be the first Washington baller to be worried about his bowels.
In the late 70s coach Gener SHue was super obsessed with his teams bowel movements. He would run about like Dr kellogg himself and made everyone eat fiber and prunes, and was determined to get all the players "regulation size and weight".

On recent Classic Sports feature on Gene Shue Bobby Dandridge said:

"People would say coach was a fanatic and he was a little crazy, sure. During road games he would come into our hotel rooms first thing and check the toilets for stool purity. He would carry his lineup card with him and if you moved a healthy stool you would get your minutes. After practices, he would make us all run wind sprints and we couldnt stop until Wes Unseld produced a robust turd on the sideline. Even in the offseason he wouldnt let up. He would scout colleges looking for a "Natural 2" and he would take all the big men on these weekend retreats into the woods to bond. They called themselves "The Brotherhood of the Low Post." But we were winning and in sports if you are a crazy man who wins they call you a genius."

But I dont really think Gilbert has any of these worries. He says he just got talked into it. And I believe that. Who talked him into it? Ill tell you who. Does anyone remember the infomercial about 5 years ago for a product called "Fat Absorb"??? In informercial, is a fake interview with a spokesman for Fat Absorb and this man looks like the blood has been drained out of his body he is like a pale cloaca ghoul and he says that Fat Absorb binds to the fat in foods meaning you dont get fat in your body but the fat comes out the back in lipid stools aka you get BUTTA drawers. Just so wrong all about.

This mans name????


and now his son ROGER MASON JR plays for the wizards!

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You know how I always throw my jersey into the stands after a game? In Washington, they just go crazy for it. So in this commercial, that's what I'm gonna do with my shoes. I've just hit a game winner, and I throw these shoes. Everyone starts to react, and you see everything in slow motion. Everyone's pushing, shoving, doing whatever it takes to try to get to these shoes. People from the 400 level, they're jumping off the ledge, they're missing the pile, hitting nothing but chairs, and you can just see in people's faces like, Ooooh, that hurt. While all this stuff's going on, one of the shoes pops out of the crowd, and a little girl gets it and she takes off. A couple of people see she has it, and they start chasing her, and she's looking back running-and then she gets clotheslined by a kid in a wheelchair. So he picks the shoe up and says-he's gonna have the only line in there-"They said I couldn't get it. Heh. Impossible is nothing." And then he rolls off.

I just started sleeping in this bed after three years. I used to sleep over there... I trained myself to sleep on the couch... I don't like women all up on me, touching me. So I get up and go.


The phallic stage is when your penis gets angry and tells you to give beat downs to other guys. This stage is what happens in a famous thing called "Oedipus COmplex" where you secretly want to sleep with your mom and stab your dad - yeah weve all been down that road, but for gilbert it was flipped upside down on its head cuz his mom abandioned him he wanted to hurt his mom and sleep with his dad in his dads mazda.

This Hos down Gs up attitude is for girls called ELECTRA COMPLEX and is whats going on when gilbert rolls away from his lady onto the couch so he can dream about being a cripple who decks a young girl. And its whats happening when Gilbert gives his dad a Maybach from Memoirs of a Geisha but he gives Maggie Foster, the woman who raised him, the Toyota from Bumfights!

Electra Complex is not to be mistaken with Medusa COmplex which is what Marv ALbert had when went about biting the prostitutes.

Gilbert also might have a problem called


We all know Gilberts favorite movie is Bambii, because he probably identifies with Bambi losing her mom and being alone but the pain is so much he imagines himself not as Bambi but as the hyperactive purple rabbit cackling safely in the bushes

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We have a couple of players who are very aggressive, like Awvee Storey. You know, when you have aggressive people, they have to relieve some of that. And I'm one of those people. I don't care--I wrastle. Wrestling. Hurting. I'll bite, punch him in the side. I'll say, Look, you punch me in the stomach once, I'll punch you in the stomach once. We'll see who falls on the floor first. It's like: No punching in the face. No chest and ribs. We don't hurt each other. I mean, a couple of rug burns here or there. I remember one day, he laid on top of me and was pinching my nose so hard that it bruised. For two days, it was just burgundy. He was calling me Rudolph. Me and him, we can't be in the same room. Our personalities clash because he's a bully and I don't like being bullied by anybody.


Freud said this stage of Latency is when boys are getting sex thoughts and repress their desires by putting all their energy in nonsexy things like sports and man wrestling. Its a very healthy way of burning out your steam. Imagine if George Bush could just get in the cave with Osaama Bin Laden and just wrestle it out? When Li Peng manuevered tanks into Tianamen Square he might as well have been writing "Hold Me" in shaving cream on a Grevey's rest room mirror. So its very natural to have some Argey Bargey with another boy, or hose him down in the stall. Its just the slow, open, turgid dance of the machosensual.

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and that brings us to Freuds last stage:


Ding DOng! This is the healthy good stage Gilbert is growing into now. Its the Final Boss. Its is the stage where you dont focus just on you but on everyone around you. Its looking to pass the rock. Its All In. When Bill Walton says its important "to get your teammates involved" thats the genital stage. In fact Bill Walton is such a supporter of the genital Stage that he got that loving nickname "Dickface"

Thats the end of the Analisis!

Im sure there will be more to come since gilbert is patient Zero when it comes to the brain studies since he has more layers than an onion and they are open and still warm like a Bloomin Onion.

The mind is an amazing place. Like sociologist Chalres Cooley said

"It is indeed a cave swarming with strange forms of life, most of them unconscious and unilluminated. Unless we can understand something as to how the motives that issue from this obscurity are generated, we can hardly hope to foresee or control them."

I know he was only talking about the Capital Center but its true for brain also!!!!

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