THE DAILY BACON

Human Capital in the Capital of Free Humans

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

So much has happened while Dana's been lazing around in Frenchmen's banana hammocks! Fellow intern Lamont has been holding it down scouring the Internets for Wiznewzz, and now Rex Immensae is here to break down all the Wizardz' personnel movezz of the past week. Well, both of them.

Personnel Move #1: Welcome DeShawn Stevenson to Verizonland

Even after his defensive stopper abilities progressed to the point that the U.N. seriously considered outlawing his use, the Orlando Magic didn't think they needed DeShawn Stevenson, since they had J.J. "Bacne" Redick and Keith "Sweat From My" Bogans in tow. So they cut DeShawn loose and he made the 16-hour drive from O-Town to the nation's capital, stopping only briefly at South of the Border to pick up some racist souvenir crap. When he arrived at Verizon, he made his way via the back entrance to the GM suite, wherein Ernie Grunfeld held a two-year contract in one palm and a basketball in the other. A pen lay on the table between them.

"Choose one: the ball, or the contract. You must choose wisely, but choose what is in your heart," said Eddie.

DeShawn stared across the table at one thing he needed and one thing he always lusted for. The ball sat orange and glistening in Ernie's well-manicured hand. He knew that it would end as it always did: Once the ball was in his possession, his desire would diminish, and he would pass the rock to the nearest teammate. But when the ball was in another man's possession - that was the moment he lived for, the moment of anticipation, the moment when he could body the possessor, move his feet, then stand his ground, and force him to give it up. Or simply reach in and take it for himself.

He also liked to eat stuff other than Ramen noodles occasionally.

"I know you do not understand," Grunfeld said. "But you must choose."

The burning desire in him right now lay beyond understanding, beyond rational thought. His muscles tensed. He tore his eyes away from the basketball, looked at the pen, looked at the blank where his name should go if he wanted to be sure of avoiding playing for the new Spokane CBA team. He moved for the pen. And in releasing the tension that had built up within him, he released all his self-control. He dove over the desk, snatched the ball from Grunfeld's outstretched palm, and clutched it to his chest as he tumbled into the wall.

"You have chosen wisely," Grunfeld said. "Now you may have both."

Stevenson threw the ball at the wall and signed the contract.

Fun Fax 'Bout DeShawn

In this chat, he says the best dunker of all time is "a mixture of Jordan and Vince Carter." Apparently DeShawn knows how to grow humans from gene-spliced chromosomes to create the perfect Man of Air. So this could be helpful if the Wizards decide again to explore unconventional drafting avenues.

After Stevenson, a Utah Jazziz straight outta high school, blessed a 14-year-old girl with his essence, he was convicted of statutory rape and forced to do community service. Here's a description of that troubling time. Let's hope DeShawn never has to undertake such arduous labors again. (I already sent him Dana's number.)

When DeShawn was being drafted out of high school, NBADraft.net compared him to Salieri himself, which is a comparison to which DeShawn has not lived up as yet. But there's plenty of time for him to break down the confidence of one of his impressionable teammates in Washington!

Proposed nicknames: Stevenson of the Shawns, DeR. Kellyson

Propose your own below!

Personnel Move #2: Hey Isiah! Come and Get These Jefferies

We'll always love our former defensive stopper, but at least we won't have to watch him play for a winning team, as the Knicks signed Jeffries to a five-year, $30-million offer sheet that the Wizzarddz declined to match. Let me relive for you some of my favorite Jared Jeffries memories:

December 13, 2002: Jared misses a dunk.

December 15, 2002: Jared misses a layup.

December 23, 2002: Jared misses a 3-pointer.

January 2002-April 2006: Long undifferentiated blur.

April 2006: Jared plays against Moosehead and does okay.

Cue Martha Reeves! Jared will help with the ball distribution in New York, though, as the following chart shows:

Knick	Optimal percentage of team's shots taken, as determined by player
Steve Francis	40
Stephon Marbury	40
Jamal Crawford	40
Eddy Curry	10
Jalen Rose	40
Old total	170 percent
Jared Jeffries	-70
New total	100 percent

Good job, Isiah! You'll win 40 yet!

...............................................

posted by Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman

3 Comments | Permalink | Wizznutzz.com | RSS Feed

3 Comments:

"Women sense my power and they seek the life essence."

De Shawn is a Kubrick fan!!

By Lamont Trellington, at 10:52 AM

but jared was so great in the playoffs, what with his chucking threes with all the success of josh blue.

By Unsilent Majority, at 6:36 AM

Maybe monchichi will rent an apartment on Staten Island so he can try to fish on the ride to and from work everyday.

By Schoenfeld's Donut, at 1:19 PM