Wednesday, May 17, 2006
OK so we havnt had much to say since Game 6 when damon jones reached up and pulled off our testicles.
For last week i stabbed a fork in my eye and left it in , this way people wouldnt ask mne "Why are you screaming on the bus?" they would see the fork and say ahh the fork! and go about their business. Also, my grandpa always taught me the lesson:
"If you dont have something nice to say, dont say anything at all"
but like LeBron james, my Grandpa was a nasty whore so i got testimony to give!!!
KING BAD TOUCH
SO as we know the series was a great fought campaign, and Agent Zero and the Queen dueled it out and everyone was being loved and there were smiles on the court, and then even thou he got bested in game 5, Zero even went into the Cavs soap stable to playfully tease LeBron and everyone was amazed by this maybe because ESPN doesnt program its robots to recognize "personality" , and then game 6 and its back and forth and back and forth and Zero calmy drills a 90-footer like an autistic assassin and the battle spills into OT and then Gilbert has two foul shots to seal the game and he misses the first but we know #2s a gimme, and Gils at the line in his special head place that he goes to when out of no where Queen james walks over and plops his mitt on Zeros chest.
WOAH DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME! FOUL SHOTS MOST FOUL!!!!!
I mean its one thing to try and get inside a players head but another to go to second base with him!! Now gils brain is akimbo not because hes psyched out but because hes never been touched like that before and hes blushing withy new feelings and good jesus he misses the shot!!!
Bill Walton yells "The Body is A Battleground!"" but that was 2 hours before tipoff and now no one says anything!!!!???
What did LeBron say to agent 0??? at the time all of us at circuit city had the agreement that, he was being a good sport, saying to Gil, bro you gotta make this shot, you aint going out like this, its been too good the game for this rubbish cause thats what tru warriors du ...
BUT THEN we hear in postgame press conf Lebron eagerly admits it, he jinxed GIL:
"you dont make this shot yall going home"
But i guess we are not suprised now at this becasue, like we said last week, the sorting hat put James in the house of Slytherin and hes a parseltongue and can understand the language of mules and for motivational reading lebron doesnt read "WHo Moved My Cheese" or "Sacred Hoops" or "Manute the Center of Two Worlds" like other athletes but he reads Ayn Rands "The Old Man and the SHoe". Maybe LeBron cant even help it hes just a robot with no mercy built by espn dark science, he is like from the movie "The Black Hole" the red killing machine MAXAMILLIAN who only has one command and gilbert is the loveable OLD B.O.B.and BOB never stands a chance, but we know the moral of the Black Hole is that Black Holes have no conscience and that they distort the fabric of space and time and when LeBron goes too the bench at the timeout he looks over and Ira Newble has aged backwards and is now a newborn baby trying to crawl out of a pile of gameworns.
AND THEN during the same timeout as he was walking to bench with look of disgust, LebRon grabs his throat and barks "FUCKING WIMP!" tru fact!
When i read this I felt bacon vomit in my throat rising up, i feel sickened, its like a species fear sick feeling, like when you see something horrible violent or the coldness and no mercy of natures darkest side, like Phil Chenier eating his young.
SO THERE ARE 3 QUESTIONS
Why is no one talking about this?
How can you cheer for lebron now? Its like cheering for tanks in the streets, its like cheering for Cancer cells : "DIVIDE BITCHES!!! D-I-V-I-D-E!" Bird and Magic and even Salieri had famous first playoff moments when they become men and lebrons defining moment: winning dirty, dropping vile eff bombs and passing up another game winner.
This for the world should have been LeBrons moment and it was,
it was his JOHN KREESE MOMENT.
What in the name of Teats OMalley is JOHN KREESE MOMENT u ask??
'John Kreese Moment' is named for John Kreese, he is the vietnam vet who ran the no mercy CObra Kai Dojo in The Karate Kid. He was the no mercy sensei who played dirty and dirtier to win at all costs "an enemy deserves no mercy!" and when Danielson can barely walk he does the Crane move on Johnny to win the match, and even johnny pays respect and give props to Daniel for what he deserved being a good adversary while John Kreese keeps yelling and wnats to keep fighting and casnt accept it, and he stands alone, despised and naked in his true colors, as even his BMX KFu gang walks away, embarrassed shaking their heads muttering: "Its Over"
Like espn should walk away from Lebron now, "its over". lebron deserves his John Kreese fate, which is to be reintroduced as a homeless man in Karate Kid part 3, a movie like LeBron that critics called "anti-climactic and flaccid to the point of being entirely vestigial"
Only 2 People talked about it:
1. MICKAEL WILBON I know! of all people. Our feelings r known on wilbon and this piece is typical Wilbon primitive subsistence sportswriting:
"SHIFTING PATCH CULTIVATION" sportswriting
like a indonesian farmer Wilbon overfarms cliches until he has exhausted the soil then moves on to the next cliche and over farms that. This time hes talking about "heart" again but at least he reported it!! maybe hes mad that LeBron turned down his MySpace invitation!!!
2. PETER VESCEY
Wizznutzz LOVE Peter Vescey. we love how surly he was on TNT before he got fired even tho he had just sprung for a new-money Long Island face lift, the kind you order off giant menu boards at the dermatologist fastfood style, Pete said "Gimme A Sag Harbor Special!!!". But we mostly love the way he molests language: hes like a Prog Rock sportswriter! hes like a blind guy playing Pole Position, its exhilirating just trying to see if hell make it around the next corner! There something about his writing thats plain off, like a midget, and then he throws in a weird ambitious verbal twist so his sentences are unnatrual AND make no sense, like a midget with a lisp!
If by writing u mean just recycling the press releases from Nike's "I Am A Witness" campaign:
When the shirt arrived it was like Christmas in May.
That's all it said.
Because that's what we all are.
...Just watch. Witness
Yes he really wrote that. You know we love SCOOP, cuz he mixes up terse minimalism with afro-maximalist aphorisms,
cause SCOOPS GOT MADLibs!
But with writing like this, i get the feeling in 1998 Scoop was the guy at your office who would spend lunch trying to retell in real time the jokes from last nights episode of "Homeboys In Outerspace" :
"And then Pippin says 'You wiggle them pointy ears at me one more time, and I'll beam you up where the sun don't shine! '. Haha, GET IT? Cause Pippin, hes the guy from the Star Trek show! 'Beam Me UP!!!" Classic!
Scoops not getting a ride in my space hoopty thats 4 sure
OK next question, DID LeBron put the WHAMMY ON GILBERT????
yes Of course he did the real question: is what kind of whammy?
Was it a jinx, or a hex, was it voodoo or hoodoo? was it a Ninja death touch? Did he suck out his soul? Did he do that thing like in the movies where he touches him and suddenly Gilbert sees the ways people will die flashing before his eyes: his pitbulls slumped off the back of a treadmill as it goes THWIPP THWIPP THWIPP round and round; his dad dressed in a blue linen Tubbs suit being gunned down by Miami SWAT team; Patrick Ewing choking on baked beans; good god Juan Dixon in his antispetic beach bubble being swept out to sea!
This would not be the first time washington has been cursed.
1. THE GYPSY CURSE
When NBA Players Association pushed through "MR DRUMMONDS BILL" to prohibit Abe POllins scouting technique of driving through the ghetto in his town car and "Adpoting" young black kids off the playground, Pollin goes to Romania and steals a romanian giant baby from a gypsy woman. (He also steals gypsy recipe for "executive Nachos" -- just replaced the cheez with honey and jalapenos with the horse meat and its the same)
The gypsy woman puts a curse on Abe POllin:
"Your Big Men will forever have bad knees!"
The curse was accidentally lifted in 2004 when Jahidi WHite happened to catch and eat a live chicken
2. BILLY OLIVER ENCHANTS HIS TOILET
3. BULLETS BRIEFLY THINK THEY ARE UNDER LEPRECHAUNS CURSE Then they just realize Jim Lynam is still living at the MCI center!!
4. ANCIENT CURSE OF THE ABORIGINEES When ANdrew Gaze hears that Rod Strickland had "pointed the bone" at some people during a Steve Miller COncert at Merriweather he confronts Rod and demands "Where did you learn the ancient curse of the Aborigine?!" But rod shrugs and says "What the hells a ABoriginie?????"
But LeBrons cursed hand is most likely 2 be:
THE MIDAS CURSE!!
Thats right think about it: Golden Child! Foolish King!
And there is a part of the Midas Curse that many people dont know about buit that is Tru fact: King Midas gets into a fight with Apollo about a flute and Apollo gives him the EARS OF A DONKEY!!!! and when he passes the reeds whistle out: "King Midas has ass's ears." I cant tell because i have a voice in my head thats been saying that same phrase since the Frog Fired The Prince!?!!!!
SO WHOSE TO BLAME????
I saw WE R all 2 Blame cuz we created this monster! Well WE didnt, we created the CHEESEBOOT(tm) , because we are artists not saleswhores.
But ameirca made the cash moose, made him angry and bitter and oneminded . this isnt what tru warior Malcolm meants by when he said "by any mean necessary" .
Its BeCause America FETISHIZES COmpettition, its all about the W except for a few brief sentimentally retarded Sunday at the Masters montages and halftime trubutes to paralyzed linebackers . America is all little stout fat schopenauer babies, waddling about in stain resistant pants saying "Money is Happiness!"
LeBron james is what happens from the Me Decade of 1980. and oh yeah also the Me Decade of 1990 and Me Decade 2000. he is what happens from NBA crony cpitalism. Like Marx warned: Lebron is no revolutionary because the revolutionaries get coopted by the ruling elite. ANd like Mark Price warned: LeBron is what happens when David Stern announces "Rape is Natural" at Read To Achieve seminars! Thats why Queen james is royal and why he is a single celled organism in a primordal soup of narcisssism. why should he eveolve? america doesnt want to evolve, america want to listen to Eagles Greatest Hits over and over and over until the end of days and Lebron is AMERICAS BIG SPIRITUAL CORPSE
but GILBERT ARENAS is an artist not a salesman, he is a player and not a politician. Gilbert is like a SPartist. In ancient SParta they had no currency or capital and eveyone sat about and had tons of free time and no jobs and almost everyone was a musician --like Takoma Park but more showering!
Agent Zero cannot be destoryed because Agent Zero plays to exist.
He isnt governed by dollar saign but by the sign of SUNYATA, the LAW OF NOTHINGNESS:
"It represents a perfect circle, perfection, that is, within the limitations of the always imperfect material world. It conveys the sense of some-thing emanating from no-thing-ness. It represents the vagina, the gateway of birth into manifestation, and also the first moment of the creation of the universe, the big bang, when every thing emerged from the unformed vacuum point."
It took me 5 beers to see the VAgina but when you do you cant shake it, its like the Magic Eye Puzzle!!!
And now thiss incite, like the season will just stop like that.
And we have the best commenters in town, like our good mate 'anonymous' who has the last word on those damn WITNESS commercials:
"the only thing I can figure that we are a "witenss" to from that commercial is the destruction of american manufacturing leaving a giant hole in the center of america that we fill up by eating agribusiness's carcinegenic biproducts, rolling through the streets looking for meth, watching coal fires burn on the horizon, and of course cheering the chosen one throw down a bunch of dunks while what appears to be outtakes from sokurov's days of eclipse float by in the rearview mirror. "