Go Directly to Jail. Do Not Pass Up an Opportunity to Interrogate the Foucaultian Surveillance Apparatus That Put You There.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
 
As we all suspected, early reports about Gilbert Arenas' arrest were as off-the-mark as a Ben Wallace free throw. Believe Agent Zero himself, rather than those notoriously unreliable police reports: When Awvee Storey was being bound and booked, the World's Most Famous Arenas merely asked after his now-fettered teammate, rather than having made bold statements about his Wizardry and immunity from arrest. The Gilbertiad is a story of unbending character - a somewhat strange character, perhaps, but certainly not a character in the Nik Caner-Medley style.

Believe this, too: Having taken a hasty trip down to Miami and interviewed several eyewitnesses (all of whom refused to be named, because they are not snitches; they are merely enlightened souls who appreciate portraits of Andrew Jackson), your Daily Bacon has the whole story.

Here's what happened. A crowd was milling about on a South Beach sidewalk, enjoying the sights and sounds of Urban Beach Week: Discussions of the latest John Updike novel, casual games of whist and backgammon, and inquiries into the role of dialectical materialism in establishing moral obligations in a post-capitalist age, all conducted with the maximum possible amount of jiggling. Awvee and Gilbert disembark from a sport-utility vehicle and are greeted by the assembled throngs.

"Awvee!" says one, from a cafe table. "How kind of you to show up - Keisha and I were just debating whether, following Barthes, the author actually plays an active role in creating sentiment in the reader, in the context of the awe-inspiring rump that her thong is presently displaying to such bracing effect. Since your last name provides the final word on narrative thematics, I thought you might be able to provide some insight."

"What ho!" cried Awvee. "Of course I would like to engage this issue, particularly given the rump and thong in question. Clearly, Keisha plays a role in framing the debate, and yet one must also consider the less obvious agendy of the viewer in formulating a reaction."

"Doubtless," replied Keisha. "But there does seem to be quite the throng milling about. Perhaps you should sidestep them en route to joining us for cappucino and croissants."

"I believe I will do just that," replied Awvee. Meanwhile, Gilbert remained in the vehicle, finishing up a phone call with Frederic Jameson, in which the two debated whether conspicuous consumption would cause capitalism to collapse due to its own internal contradictions; Gilbert had called earlier to mock Jameson by regaling him with tales of a piece of bling he wished to purchase.

Suddenly, as Awvee attempted to make his way around the milling crowd, two policemen sprang out from behind a lamppost. "No walking on the street, and we're gonna have to cite you for an intent to discuss meta-aesthetic issues too," one officer said.

"Damn!" exclaimed Keisha, catching Gilbert's attention just as he disembarked from the sport-utility vehicle. "They're once again trying to suppress public deliberation!"

As one who respects law and order but favors justice above all, Gilbert strode over to the policemen. "What seems to be the trouble here, officers?" he inquired.

"Yeah, we're gonna have to arrest you too," the second policeman said. "For walking in the street and for attempting to question the extension of police power into every possible crevice of society."

"But I was doing no such thing!" Gilbert exclaimed. "This is hardly a street - more of a boulevard, lined with shops, in the French style."

"Prudence, Gilbert, prudence," Storey cautioned as the police slapped ice-cold cuffs onto Gilbert's wrists. "We'll blog about this later."

*

And that's what really happened. Well, I don't think they were actually discussing the moral obligations implied by dialectical materialism, because aren't we all past that line of inquiry by now? But I suppose Urban Beach Week can lead to some heated arguments.

...............................................
posted by Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
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1 Comments:

I'M ZERO HERO!!!

By Unsilent Majority, at 5:07 AM  

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