The Days Grow Dirk-er
Friday, May 12, 2006
 
Greetings again from the Daily Bacon Gossip Desk! Following last week's overwhelmingly positive response, we return with more gossip and incites. Today we start with a burning question left over from the fallout of the Wizz loss in game 6, wherein Hubie Brown was heard clearly stating to a national television audience, "He evades the defender and then gets hammered from the rear." This reporter demandz an investigation - is Jahidi White back in the league?

In other news, another week has brought us more lackluster NBA playoff action, only this time it's the 2nd round and the realization has started to slowly dawn on most fans that one of these crappy teams is going to soon be called "champion." Sources close to the scene tell the Daily Bacon that David Stern sobs like a child as he watches Queen James' castle dismantled piece by piece at the hands of the proletariat Detroit Pistons. For a league that worships at the altar of docile product promotion, this has raised all sorts of uncomfortable issues about bourgeois freedom and human self-estrangement, and it is said that Stern believes if the collective might of the Pistons triumph over his Golden Child it will bring aid and comfort to the enemies of individualism and personal freedom throughout the galaxy. New League Motto under discussion: "A win for Detroit is a win for Al Quada and the Borg!"

Meanwhile in the West, aka "The League of Skilled Whites and Foreigners," the Mavericks are busy bitch-whipping the lackluster Spurs, clearing the path for a Teutonic takeover of American basketball's highest honor. Sources tell us the NBA is terrified of the potential marketing debacle if the league is suddenly associated with a 7 foot tall pissed-off German holding a giant trophy above his head like a lost trove of third Reich gold. Various sponsors have already declared off the record - "No Gypsys will buy our shoez if Nazi Nowitzki is allowed to reign!" Accentuating the positive, as always, word has it that Mark Cuban has already hit up his filmmaking pals to produce a High-Def remake of The Boys From Brazil, only this time with less emphasis on the negatives of sadistic nationalistic movements furthering the megalomaniacal fantasies of evil dead men, and more on the idea of cloning Germans as not such a bad thing. Reaction from the UN and the MPAA was muted being that no one watches the Hi-Def channel, but the plan was unexpectedly set back when the lonely wags from the world-cinema community recently weighed in - "Dirk looks like the bad guy from The Vanishing!"

Stepping away from the NBA, most sports fans were either riveted to their screens or desperately rummaging through discarded exacta receipts on the floor of their local OTB in celebration of the 132nd running of the Kentucky Derby, an event steeped in the warm nostalgia of chronic alcoholism, big floppy hats, and the age old tradition of the wealthy enjoying the shade while the poor burn in the sun. Barbaro won, paying off at a lusty 7-1, but the real excitement of the day was watching corporate zombie/NBC uber-hack Bob Costas drinking $1000 mint juleps made with overpriced Kentucky Bourbon and ice imported from the Arctic circle. This shameless display of excess was evidently a pretense to raise money for a favorite charity of the stinking rich - providing homes for pricey thoroughbred horses they grown tired of. Think Tommy Mottola and Mariah Carrey, Richard Mulligan and Rachel Ryan or just think Christopher Reeve and insert your own joke here.

Everyone who plays the ponies knows, however, that outside of the brave teenagers and elderly persons working the betting machines, the real heroes of the Triple Crown are the jockeys. It is well documented that a jockey's life is a lonely one, like JD Salinger's or someone who spends all night in an X-Files chat room wondering where all "shippers" have gone. These little men are steeped in the vice and minor criminality of a touring rock band, only without the loose chicks or the opportunity to travel outside the Western hemisphere. We here at the Daily Bacon salute their little hearts and yearn for the better dayz when small men were treated with dignity and respect.

See you next week! Go Edgar Prado!

Death to the Dead Horse,
-Dr. Chestnutt

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posted by Dr. Chestnutt
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