The Bell Tolls For Us All, But Especially Wilmer Valderrama
Friday, May 05, 2006
 
Today was supposed to be my debut as a Daily Bacon gossip-columnist intern, but various interpersonal problems have forced me to write this from a Jiffy Lube waiting room in New Haven Connecticut where the lone TV is controlled by the two former gang members who switch constantly between "La Tormenta" and Antiques Roadshow. Like most Americans they chaffed noticeably when I suggested we watch NBA, thus, my incites are being transcribed with ignorance and under duress, much like when Steve Blake learned that a "league mandate" involved a lusty Jahidi White look-alike in a nice suit who enjoyed mortifying nipples other than his own.

Anyway, these "all time best playoffs" are a truckload of suck, if you ask me, particularly in the East. Outside of Nil-Bert and the Wizz, the teams are all pretty much personality-free and torture to watch. The Miasma Heat and Shaqy-Dick are just the embarrassing urine-stained underwear of a once great Man, like Fassbinder when he made Querelle or David Blaine when he was born. The Nets are so pre-9-11, the Cavs are prissy prima donnas, and no one even knew the Bucks were playing.

If this barrel has a bottom, however, the Indiana Pacers are found somewhere beneath it. They are the most tedious mixture of aging talent and underachievement seen outside of the British Royal Family or a Sci Fi Channel production meeting. To watch them over a seven game series is to know the gentle mind numbing drift of highway hypnosis or a bad cold. Without Artest, even the Hindenburg principle is lost, and Friends, it's only so interesting to watch a zeppelin floating in the sky without the chance of an explosion. Remember when people used to say Stephen Jackson was "the last piece of the puzzle"? Oh the Humanity!

In other news, my sources tell me Queen James is set to be honored by the league with a complex opera of praise and thanksgiving based on the opening Vorspiel from Das Rheingold, with a libretto featuring transcribed moans from David Stern's many LeBron centered wet dreamz, all sung in Spanglish by the hot or not chick from the Black Eyed Peas. Look for a bonus DVD featuring a rock version by Franz Ferdinand, a jazz version by Wayman Tisdale and a free-skronk noise version by the newly reunited Harry Pussy!

Also, rumor around the league is that Mark Cuban is so swollen with hubris and delusional corporate group-think that he will blow up the Mavericks if they don't win the title this year and invest his ill-gotten internet lucre into a nearby island nation that sounds like his last name, transforming it from a backwater communist hell-hole into his latest Total Entertainment Experience. It will be like Kane's Xanadu only without the pretense of building an opera house, and it will feature many ex-cheerleaders wearing tank tops proclaiming that "Marksist Cuba" is a Click Fraud Free Zone! All former Section Eight employees will live there free of charge and in the offseason Adrian Griffen will serve as "glue guy" for the new government. An all-white-stiff team will tour the impoverished neighborhoods and the racist elan of Vitaly Potapenko will be featured in Steven Soderbergh's next lo-budget feature entitled "Stubble." Not since Free Cleveland Steamer Night at a poorly attended Cavs game in 1983 will an NBA promotion change so many livez!

Speaking of life-changing, I propose a new punishment for interns in the mothering hut: watching back to back episodes of new MTV hit "Yo Mamma!" This show is the BEST. Wilmer Valderrama gets his gangsta on as he stalks around in $500 jeans and a chain wallet, calling embarrassed urban teenagers "dog," and slyly promoting his new East Hollywood restaurant. I'm told he asks everyone who wins and even those who don't if they want to head back to his "crib" and "hang" and "really bring it" and watch re-runs of That 70's show and they all generally say no thanks they have homework to do. Even Nick Lachey has the good sense to avoid him, and he needs all the friends he can get since all his regular friends are currently lined up outside his ex-wife's bedroom with righteous boners and dubious offers of acting work. Someday soon a kid on "Yo Mamma" is going to win the 1000 dollars by saying "Yo Mamma's such an insecure and untalented poseur she actually enjoys this show" and Will won't understand That The Jape Is On Him! You see, having Wilmer host a program about quick wit is about as misguided as allowing Karen Carpenter to chair the steering committee of a celebrity telethon promoting Healthy Body Image! What I'm saying is, he's not too bright... DAGGER!

Go WIZZ!

-Dr. Chestnutt

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posted by Dr. Chestnutt
7 Comments | Permalink | Wizznutzz.com | RSS Feed

7 Comments:

http://images.art.com/images/-/Confused-Dog-Note-Card-I11765891.jpeg

By Unsilent Majority, at 10:20 AM  

THANKS!! I love Dogz!

By Dr. Chestnutt, at 11:41 AM  

The title alone qualifies this as my favorite post on Daily B so far. Well met!

By Lamont Trellington, at 12:13 PM  

to be fair, when i posted the confused dog the article had some whacky formatting errors that made it slightly difficult to comprehend...all is well.

By Anonymous, at 12:47 PM  

thanks much Lamont, I think our task as off-season interns is all the more important following last night's heartbreak. It's going to linger, so we must bring the ha-ha's. Sympathies to all Wizznutzz everywhere.

By Dr. Chestnutt, at 12:37 PM  

Hello. I was born in Cleveland and have lived here now for 20 years. first, i want to ask how many championships the 'wizards' have. second, how are the nationals doing? third, who has larry hughes??? oh yeah... and fourth, who has king james??? fifth, Damon Jones!!!! who made a game winning 3 under pressure, and who missed 2 game winning free-throws under pressure. Yes i agree that mesa blew the 97' world series, but will u admit that arenas blew game 6 of the 06' playoffs game vs. the cavs??? probably not... ok, bye

By Anonymous, at 2:03 PM  

Cleveland fans can take solace in that Gatorade commercial where Jordan misses over Ehlo.

By Anonymous, at 1:24 PM  

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