HASTY PLAYOFF PREVIEW!!!!! Wizards on National Stage! Wilbon and othewr NBA Analists saying Wiz are underdogs so that if Cavs win they can talk about how extra awesome LeBron is. Prepare to hear Steve Buckhantz say "King James" in our own building. prepare for discrafeful umpiring. NBA tells LeBron "if you move your Mom to Papa New Guinea we will give you a title" but its all in double Joepoardy now cause LeBrons mom escaped from PNG and was picked up hitchhiking by Jim Bowden and they gunned across country like Thelma and Louise, with Gloria James yelling at Jim "why didnt you pick nme up in a Hummer? I GAVE MY SON A HUMMER!!!!!"
No wonder NBA wants her to stay away. They remember well how Ernie Hudson yelled the same thing at a Ghostbusters II press lunch and just like that killed the Ghostbusters franchise!!! Why else was their no Gostbusters 3? What you think they ran out of ghosts???!!! Even LeBron spoke to his mom: "Thanks for the great Hummer, Mom. I know u love me. I know you just want to give yourself everything that you never had growing up, But please behave yourself. Why cant you act just act classy, like Kwame Browns Aunts???
THE WIZARDS: So as we said Coach Jordan and E Grunf have milked blood from a halfsmoke all season long. Our starting 5 are all having career seasons and we only won 42 games. Now that Lost Colony Ramos is back on the bench, we could have 5 DNPs tomorrow. Coach is collecting DNPs like they was Pokemons!
Calvin and Arvee and Donnell are so deep on the bench, Its like that movie The Three Burials of Miguel Tejada!
-If DNPs were Pokemons, Calvin Booth would be "DROWZEE!"
-Arvee Storey, when he plays, he looks like he woke up to find himself trapped inside a giant game of skittles, and hes trying to find his way out
-Donnell Taylor, what exactly is his role? Hes plays like a kid who always wanted to be a stuntman and refuses to let his Muscular Dystrophy stop him from his dreamzz! He runs after the ball swinging his arms like its a bacon pinata!!!
Billy Thomas is next in long line of offseason "veteran 3 point specialists" who cant hit the open 3 but he brings calmness to the bench and funny wise coming-of-age tales from when he was an Atlantic Starr groupie.
But coach is too scared to play anyof these guyzz, hes gonna keep using the same sharpies till they run dry, cause Princeton Schminceton, his rotation is about has creative as rotation of steel aanxiety balls in Captain Queegs hand in The Caine Mutiny, escept hes also got Caron, so caron is the third steel ball of the Wizards mon pubis, right tell me something i dont know!
Gilbert Arenas: the best thing to happen to ZERO is some time off. Last weeks he says:
"I look at it like, once you start trying to rest yourself, that's when you start to burn out," Arenas said, "because you're not as active as you used to be. You're losing your stamina, you're losing your muscle memory, then you're getting fatigue."
But the body only builds muscle when it sleeps, thats why you only ever see Magnus Ver Magnusson in his pajamas, and gilbert sleeps only 3 hours a night so hes gonna break down badly soon if Steve Stricker doesnt slip him a roofie. But maybe if he sleeps he will never wake up again? Oh jesus i had enough to worry about!!!
Caron Butler:Caron Butler is the wiz one roughneck, dubbed "Tough Juice" In fact, its the first time DC team has had "Tough JUice" in the building since Abe Pollin entertained Myer Lansky and Yitzhak Rabin in the cap center owners box!
Jared Jeffries:Everyone sayz JJ is the KEY. Whats does that mean? It means he guarding 23 and that means BATTLE OF THE AMISH BEARDS!!! Like in WItness when Alexander Godunov puts ice cream on HFordz nose but Alexander Godunov has a mouthguard and 'BARN LIFE' tattoo on his back.
ANotnio Daniels: The Borwn Hornet is crazy. Hes the Road Warrior. He says "You wanna get out of here, you talk to me". hes got huge hands and what they say about big hands = BIG DREAMS! He goes to hoop like crazy man. Last week he tried to committ "Suicide By Bogan" when he skyed up against Andrew Bogut. Sure they wiped the filthy convict sweat off the floor but some stains are deeper than others.
Prediciton: If theres a game 7, Anotnio Daniels will lie dead.
Brendan Haywood: Tru fact: during Bulls game Bill Walton says in Haywood he sees "Shades OF Hakeem Olajuwon"!!!! The only shades of Hakeem Olajuwon Brendan has are in the lining of his gameworns!
The Big Quesytion Wiz Have To Answer: Whats with the old white guy who sits on the bench?
As we said before, We r fed up with Lebron James and ESPN and the way they dance like a couple of over ripe retirees in a convention hall. Its not the kind of intimacy a young heart wants to think of!!!
What kind of name is LeBron? Its a KITSCH name is what it is. Its nouveau. Its as Kitsch as LeMom's Grand Revival Tiara Poster Beds and italiantate pool tables. Just look at the history:
Heres the Lebron family crest. "Follow reasons." "Moize LeBrun settled in Rhode Island in 1686 " OF COURSE HE DID, his damn name MOIZE!! But thats Not LeBron exactly, LeBron has TWO CAPITAL LETTERS! ITS FANCIER! ITS FRENCH-MEXICAN!!!! I LOVE MY FRENCH MEXICAN SO MUCH I GAVE HIM A HUMMER !
There will be plenty of hot analist air wasted on lebron so you egt no more here.
All the Cav teammates love Ira cause he gives them discounts on jewelry at his old shop in the Diamond District on 47th and 7th Ave.
Zyldrunas Ilgauskas: "Z" and Sasha Pavlovic, by far most popular players in The Hagues War Crimes division fantasy league
Eric SNow: They say this is Snow's seventh time in the playoffs, but so wqhat did he ever win a ring? Hes the Susan Lucci of the NBA but unlike her he takes his wig off before he goes to work.
Eric Snows head looks like a big giant MILK DUD! Proof:
Im worried that gilberts going to hallucainte from lack of sleep and the subtle line will move to Eric SNow being more Milk Dud then man:
LARRY HUGHES: Queen James' "injury" only healed when he heard the words "playoff bonus check".
DAMON JONES: Wizznutzz Most hated player. As we said before, you are no Dwayne Wade. You arent even DWAYE WAYNE!!!
Anderson Varejao Jared Jeffries is A poor man's Tayshaun Prince and Anderson Varejao is a poor mans Jared jeffries.
Moondog: The Cleveland Cavaliers Kids Club President. Single, flamable. Advantage GWIZ !!