Another, Less Buoyant Reading from the Newly Revised King James Bible
Saturday, April 29, 2006
There was a man in the land of Verizon, whose name was Eddie, of the Jordans; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.
And there were given unto him fifteen players who cleaved strongly to the rock, and were of wondrous length and athleticism.
His substance also was twenty thousand fans, and three thousand bacon-ready hogs, and five hundred silk robes, and five hundred she asses, and a very great franchise; so that this man was the fifth-greatest of all the men of the East.
And his players went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their assorted she asses to eat and to drink with them.
And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Eddie of the Jordans sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered Papa John's Individual-Size Ten-Dollar Pizzas according to the number of them all: for Eddie of the Jordans said, It may be that my players have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Eddie of the Jordans continually.
Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them.
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Eddie of the Jordans, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?
Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Eddie fear God for nought? Hast not thou made a hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land.
But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.
And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.
And there was a day when his players were contesting with red-clad warriors from a city whose river was once afire:
and there came two messengers unto Eddie, and said, Thy players' hands have turned like unto hooves, and they cannot cleave to the rock; yea, they have allowed the rock to be taken away; and we only are escaped alone to tell thee;
The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the will of thy players to struggle for thy divine purpose, and the fire hath consumed it; and we only are escaped alone to tell thee;
Thy players were eating and drinking wine in the center of Verizon: and, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and one who calls himself king drove all before him, and smote them with daggers; and we only are escaped alone to tell thee.
Then Eddie of the Jordans arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped,
and said, Like Steve of the Blakes, naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
In all this Eddie of the Jordans sinned not, nor charged God foolishly; but instead said, Wait a little while, that the contest may be rejoined in two nights, and in the meantime I shall find consolation in espying the tops of bosoms.