"Steve Jackson Called You a 'Moose' Bron-Bron, YA HEARD!!!!"

I spent Bloody Saturday bowling for kids and vultures. As the day passed I could feel it in my pancreas that our Bullets (by the way, get used to me calling the Wizards the Bullets, just like it will always be Wild World, People's Drug Store and the Capital Centre) were suffering against the Cleveland Grizzlies.

I took that loss hard and decided to go on a hunger strike and sustained myself on Artic Blast Gatorade Fierce and day old chibatta bread from the Mount Pleasant Seven Eleven for three days. As delirium set in I wandered the streets of the Penn Quarter with nothing but my Jarvis Hayes bobble-head, Stackhouse Carolina jersey, a lawn chair and the moo-moo-moo-moo Chipotle jingle running through my head.

The purge was needed to overcome my self-loathing and answer the questions I had about my superfan status. At three in the afternoon yesterday I staked out a spot on the sidewalk on 7th and G right in front of the Chipotle so that I could feel the aura of the Pollin Center and watch the game on the Jumbotron.

The slow start for the Bullets, and Cold Mountain looking like Mount Vesuvius coming out of the gates, made the opening minutes painful. Alas... With 7 minutes to go in the 1st quarter the sweet smell of bacon wafted up "the Walk" from Clydes and things began to turn around. It wasn't long before Agent Zero smelled the Bacon at half court and with that shot a statement was made, The Assassin is coming for the King like he's Arch Duke Ferdinand. Going into the half I felt alive again and so did our Bullets.

As the wind picked up and the weather got dicey I sadly spent a lot of time chasing my lawn chair, which I didn't adequately fastened to the sidewalk, down 7th Street and into Zengo.

Apparently Bron-Bron has spent some time watching and taking notes on Steve Blake's passing drills video that Scabbers made his Freshmen year at Maryland. He obviously learned a lot, but hasn't quite perfected the behind the back pass into the third row yet, but he was working on it, Gilbert just got in the way.

Twan-Twan's four point play, Caron's clinic in the post and Gilby's awesome steal transition to a nosebone-360-foul-and-one. Oh the joy!!!!

The Bullets resparked the Fiery Cuyahoga and left Cleveland burnin. Now we have the home court Adv of Chinatown. Leave your Thundersticks at home and bring your ham castinets.

Incites:
J-Jeff trimmed back the Amish Paradise beard because he doesn't raise barns he razes barns. I personally thought it was a good look and is great for capturing and saving Kung Pao dipping sauce for later.

Anderson "Sideshow" Varjeous is a joke. He apparently still plays for the Cavaliers and wasn't invited to play with Cleveland Grizzlies, but how great would he look with a beard? Imagine Cree Summer with a beard only much hotter. Although, he played a mean game of Hack-a-Twan?

I Heart Caron. He's a star. Give him some love. send him an email He may write you back. He may ask you out to Drinxxxxx, He may give you his tickets to see Coach Jim Calhoun play Puch in a UConn production of A Midsummer's Night Dream.

Peja Stoyivic has apparently got "Arvydas Sabonis of the Knee" and will therefore remove any chance the Indy Pace had of upsetting the Knots.

Quotables:
Scott Jackson in the Bullets post game show: "LeBron is a Moose"
(I smell a new nickname) He really did say this, and he's absolutely right. I snapped a picture of him during the off-season after his rookie year on a trip to Nova Scotia just outside of Calais Maine... I just gotta find it.

Speaking of Scott. He has to deal with he biggest idiots: "The wizzle looked great against the octopussy, I mean the Clevel-n octopussy go in and out like the octopussy and they (at this point Steve is doing all he can to hold it together) hit from everywhere."
Like I said I missed some of the game running around chasing my lawn chair kite so I must've missed it when Coach Brown called the play to get the ball into a diabolical vixen super spy in the low post.

Whoooaaa sounds like Coach Eddie's got a for real man crush the King: "We're gonna Hug and Kiss him on the way to the basket, nothing flagrant."
I don't know man, if a part of your strategy is having Etan slip the Moose some tongue on his way to the hoop… sounds awfully flagrant to me.

Gil: "It's War"
I really wish this term would leave the lexicon of sports especially when we really are at war, but I'll give President Gil a pass since he is the commander in cheif, a trained assassin and knows more about killing than I do, and he knows where I live... he knows where we all live.

Accouterments:
Brett Favre is coming back because he's just got to break George Blanda's career interception record. He's just 22 INTs shy. Corners and Safeties of the NFC North are all smiles today.

Ricky Williams loves the Ganja way more than football and won't play for the fish this year. If Ricky was smart he'd get the good folks at Balco to breed him some purple-undetectable-sticky-icky-icky but no, Ricky's loyal to neighborhood dope man Fatty Suge. Who's actually a cousin of one of Caramelo's boys.


Speaking of Balco... Barry Bond jacks one, finally. Obviously, the Cream and the Clear work better than whatever product Barry's got flowing through his veins now.

And for the love of Pete, could the Nats please win another home game. Here's a diabolical scheme cooked up by an operative and me:

i think you're on to something about changing around the park in the middle of innings to make it worse for the away team. That sh** would have to be discreet but how sweet would it be if the wall quietly crept up a foot or so when the other team came up. Also, slightly adjust the stadium lights so that they shine into the batter's eyes. And finally, covertly inject poisonous gas into the away dugout and either impair or severely kill them. Home winning % would be guaranteed to go up.

Frank Robinson needs to get on that.

Snakes on a Plane

(Who would win a jujitsu fight the Burger King or King James)