I watched the WizHeat game the other night with spanish commentators but an L is a L and a nut is a nut, except in spanish when its a "tuerca", amigos! I dont understand spanish but last nite the guys kept yelling "PANTALONES EN EL PISO" and "¡DAGA!" -- anyone know what that means???
But i didnt need to hear what i see with my eyes, wizard D giving up more back doors that Jahidi White at the Teddy Bears picnic! Sure Shaq is a great big greedy guts and Mike Doleac looks uncomfrtable since he left Gipetto's workshop and Antoine Walker is whoreface and Kenny Loggins has anorexia but Heat have our number and that number is 1-800-555-SOMEBODYPLEASEHITDWADEINTHEPENIS.
Wiz were tired from back2back and playing soft so EJord put in the BTeam, and the BTeam, well they BReal!Those Guys have paid their dues, and andray blatche pays his dues with SLENDER TENDER my friends. Donnell Taylor though, donnell, like Juan Dixon, you are TOO confident, like Jim Rome and Billy Bush and Hitler. Donnell needs more minutes but minutes in the Mothering Hut.
But what we gotta talk about right now is ETAN THOMAS. Lets talk.
ETAN INCITE #1:
A few weeks ago there wuz rumors everywhere about the wizards going to trade Etan Thomas. The rumors said etan not getting minutes and he doesnt fit into the run and gun game style (which people still call "Princeton Offense" even though it is opposite of Princeton offense - no passes, no whites - but Eddie Jordan and Pricneton Offense forever connected in our minds like Ham + Swiss, Kwame + Salieri, Ruland + Gerbils) But Etan has been with the team the longest, he is heart and soul, and I know guys arent crazy about showering with a Poet, but NBA has "dont ask dont tell" policy on poets so NO PROBLEM.
No one ever asked Etan his thoughts on this, but thats cuz Etan is like a lion, like Aslan, and like Wittgenstein says "If a Lion could talk, we would not be able to understand him".
Were the rumors even tru? No one will know. The only trade rumour that was even possible under the salary rules was Etan Thomas for Dylan Thomas and cash, but the trade was shot down cuz Dylan Thomas scored a 7 on the Wunderlic Test* and is allergic to shorts.
*Sample Answer from Dylan Thomas' wunderlic test 14. Assume the first two statements are true. Is the final one: 1. true, 2. false, 3. not certain? Tom greeted Beth. Beth greeted Dawn. Tom did not greet Dawn.
Answer: Dead men naked they shall be one With the man in the wind and the west moon
Well we know it must of been a quick fight for one thing. A, because weve seen Etans game: passive non-resistance, and B, bvecause of the way BHaywood backpeddles like a unicyclist during timez of conflict. Brendan haywood is so much like Mister Softee that when he goes to the loo he swivels his hips so he can deliver his number 2s like soft-serve. Plus Brendan used to call Etan "Mister Presidente" before there was the real electionn that swept gilbert into office.
So why the bad blood?
They said it was just onje of those things, like when Jerry Stackhouse clocked CLaettner on the team plane during a card game, because CLate left beard trimmings in Stacks beach rental from his sunday gathering of the Church of the Machosensual Sciences. CLate protested that "on the 8th day, God groomed" while Stack says "that 8th day is still on my rental agreement" and CLate sdays "thats not what she said" and Stack: "lemme show you how I strangled her" and Jeff Macinness ran to the bathroom and slid down the door and wept like Glen Close.
Whats most definuitely goin on here is a lack of team discipline. this wouldnt have happened when Jahidi White was here because he was an enforcer whjo not only set the borrowing prime rate for Kools, but ruled with a meaty fist. And there was no problems with fights when Peter LOST COLONY Ramos was in the showers thats for damn sure.
We like to say manute Bol is like the Sudan's Muhammad Ali but without the integrity or physical strength, well Captain John Ramos is like the Puerto Rican Max Schmeling! Ever hear about any fights during Roanoke Dazzle practices? I didnt think so. Party John once ordered a "code red" on Seth Baliboa like in a Few Good Men cause Seth "moved my pruno"
the wizznutzz are in pliant awe of this article! its simply extraordinary. We insist everyone: go read this masterpiece right now, from start to finish, then come back...
OK lets analize the genius of scoop jackson.
FIRSTLY scoop reveals to us the incredible uniqueness of Etan,
a black man who: -is PRO affirmative action! -is AGAINST the war! -DOES NOT trust republicans! -is FOR isolationist foreign policy!
SECONDLY yeah thats a profound portrait but scoop jackson has something WAY more important he wants u 2 know. And that is.... SCOOP IS BLACK!
Has there ever been anything so insisting and desperate to convince you of its blackness. NO. Wait yes, that Al Jolsen ringtone Scott Skiles used to carry on his cellphone.
From the way he writes, By god , Scoop jackson must be the blackest man alive!!!!!!!!! In fact Scoop jackson may be the first man ever to WRITE IN BLACKFACE! That TAPA TAPA TAPA on his keyboard when he writes? Thats THE SOUND OF BLACKNESS! You know hes black cause he quotes old rappers and uses free verse and writes like hes talking out loud and has more street-smart segways than a dot com sack race! Scoop hips and hops and drops knowledge, hes an ideas man like HL MENCKEN but hes ALSO a soulman, like DL HUGHLEY!
How does he do it?
well Scoop carries with him the 3 essential reference materials that any sassy spoken-word black sports journo needs:
1. Liner notes to a Common CD 2. Boggle 3. A copy of the black thesaurus. Whats a black thesaurus you say? Why Its Roget's - Roget Moseley's Black Thesaurus, 7th Edition, thats what.
Then Just when you think Scoop is as black as is possible, he brings up DuBois' 'double consciousness":
Two points to him is secondary, but he doesn't just ball for the check. He loves the game too. That's the duality of DuBois he must live.
What does that mean? What it means is that black people always have a split personality, there is the second part of them that is self conscious and aware of their blackness in a world where they are racially SNUBBED. Scoop is got it all wrong of course, hes talking bout a doublness not a duality, etan likes playing hoops AND getting paid! BUT DuBois knew, DuBois knew this firsthand, because on Benson, Benson DuBois was the only black person working for the governor and even though he was the brains and ran the place and made all the good jokes, he could never escape the fact of his blackness. Even thopugh Benson got good japes at Kraus' expense, he must have envied her her sense of completeness. Confusing? Ill tell you how DOuble COnsciousness works in Scoop Jackson's world:
Scoop walks into the changing rooms at ESPN's Bristol campus, and as he heads to his locker, Berman walks out of the showers and Berman walks up to the scales, steps on, drops his towel, looks at Scoop and says "Hi Hootie" and Scoop dies a miniature death
Scoop Jackson is the best writer ever. Not even Tom Knott can molest prose like Scoop. We dont care that Harold Bloom called Slam poetry "the death of art." Whats not to like! Scoop talks about Baobabs (the african bacon tree) and hes enthusiastic and spells awesome. His editor lets him move words around like a hamster. Maybe his editor is a hamster. We say about SPorts Writing, its like the nursery song, "When its very very good, its good, and when its good its awful". dont know why we say that really.
Scoop is like the black ernest hemmingway sometimes, with his terse mannered sentences which make him sound profound:
The "it takes a village to raise a child" children. The village voices. He is among them in voice.
In principle. In theory.
But not in reality.
But you think hemingway could then trun around and flip a sentence like this??:
He's the only one who makes noise about it, he's the only one who Public Enemy's it to the public's enemies. Which is what makes him -- he, E -- so needed and so important. Because in a world of Terminator Xs, we all need a little Chuck D in our lives.
A little philosophy. A little BDP. A little ...
... introduction to poetry.
NO he couldnt because Scoop is like Benson also, 2 fold, a minimalist like hemmingway, but also a black afro-maximalist, bitches.
SPeaking of Hemmingway reminds me of an exclusive Hemmingway story we publsihed on WIzznutzz last yuear and we reprint here in expanded form wioth new bonus sentences!
"CURIOSITIES IN BERN" by Ernest Hemmingway
Darvin stood up and walked to the end of the station. Across, on the other side, were fields of grain and trees along the banks of the Ebro. Far away, beyond the river, were mountains. The shadow of a cloud moved across the field of grain and he saw the river through the trees. 'And we could have all this,' she said. 'And we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible.' 'What did you say?' said Darvin. 'We can have everything.' 'No, we can't.' 'We can have the whole world.' 'No.' 'We can go everywhere.' 'No, we can't. It isn't ours any more. I know I have a job to do, and I'm always going to be ready to do it. But they wont give me the chance. They send me away. They send me to play Chinamen. I'll play Chinamen.' 'Chinese' 'What?' 'They like to be called Chinese.' 'I'll play squirrels.' 'It can still be yours Darvin' 'No, it can't. And once they take it away, you never get it back. It's not been easy to sit so much this season, but I have no complaints. ' 'But they haven't taken it away.' 'They want me to come in and be a spark for this team and that's exactly how I want to play.' 'Come on back in the shade,' he said. 'You mustn't feel that way.' 'They won't look me in the eye now.' 'You don't mean that. We will get some drinks. Don't think about it anymore.' 'I can't even go home. Home to Saginaw. My mother. Stares at me. That way. She is the Mayor.' 'She is your mother. It will be OK. Everything will be like it was.' 'Saginaw has hills. The hills stare at me. Do you know that feeling? Phil Chenier does. The hills there, they are like hills of white bacon.' 'You aren't even making sense dear. Try and relax.' 'It is white.' 'I've seen the hills, yes they are white.' 'No the bacon. Turkey bacon. Its white.' 'You are hungry is all. I'll order us some sandwiches. Please stop pacing.' 'Hunger. Uniform Violation. Thats what they said it was. Just some cheese in my sock. Tucked in my tube sock. Show me where it says that." 'Please.' 'It was just String cheese.' 'Its not your fault.' 'No excuses. ' Darvin said. 'I just know things. I will get to contribute.'
Its was raining outside, and Darvin put on yesterdays clothes.