Saturday, February 11, 2006
OK THURSDAY WAS BIG DAY FOR WIZZNUTZZ!Q!! In order of importance:
1. BAXTER FOR BOGANS! Major NBA power shift! Charlotte area Tom McCanns store unveils new Baxter signature Hush Puppies: "Loaf Warior" MY FAVORITE BOGAN is Andrew Gaze. WHo says 50 is too old to be playing pro hoops? Cialis Australia unveils new campaign: GET THE BOOM BACK IN YOUR WALLABY!
2. Wizards Win again, In the Black! In the special Olympics "Everybody is a winner", but not really, the ones that come last get medals but if they werent spastic theyd know they were losers.
3. Gilbert ARenas snubbed for All Star Game! Abe Pollin SHALL BAKE NO CAKE! MR Pollin aka MRS HAVISHAM sits alone with last years musty confections, a cold heart and a warm diaper. "Musty Confections", isnt she captain of the Roanoke Dazzle Dance Squad? John "child by tiger" Ramos wanted to ask her for a date but in West Virginia its illegal for Puerto Ricans to speak.
You ask me How could Gilbert not mmake the Allstarzz??
5 words: SCOTT SKILES IS a STOUT BITCH
SKiles didnt vote for gilbert since gilbert iced the Bulls in game 5 and because gilbert gets more done by 7 am than Skiles gets done all day and not just because gilbert doesnt sleep, and because he never had the skillz Gilbert has, anmd because gilbert could beat skiles at Othello if Gilbert only had one black chip and Skiles had 50 white chips, and because skiles never charmed the crowd by throwing off his jersey because he was crippled by shame over his conscientious Gynecomastia and because Skiles is an albino pig mask who shops at Stock and Barrell's Stumpwear 4 Men and is a seething racist who calls a chigger a chegro.
SKILES is a bitter loser hes nothing but an angry CHOAD draped in a stain resistant khaki novetly condom. Ahhhh. i love hating! we would have loved SCottSkiles like we love all unremarkablem bullets veterans had he faded into sad silence like the others but he went to coach the enemy.
Superfan Josh K writes us:
What did Gilbert ever do to T-Stotts or Byron Scott and the rest of the leagues coaches to not deserve a nod to the All-Star Team other than score mad points against their squads. Seriously, fourth leading scorer in the NBA behind Kobe "The Black Hole Mamba" Bryant, Allan "Protect ya Neck Cuz" Jiverson and King ManChild and yet no All Star spot for Gilbert. I guess until Gil hooks up a promo deal with Easterns Motors, Henry's Insurance or becomes the mayor of Shoe City he won’t get the 'spect he deserves. My theory on why he strays from doing commercials is because he doesn't want people to confuse his velvet vocals with his voice twin Guru from Gangstarr... or he has a terrible agent.
--------------- UPDATE!!!!!!! David Stern selects Gilbert to ALLSTARZZZZ with Dress Code Least Dressed Exemption!!!! Thanks David Stern! Thanks Jermain ONeal for being pulled out of the womb to soon! COngrats GIL!!!!
LET THEM EAT CAKE!!!! Abe Pollin Has a reason to live again! Hes got TWO cakes to bake, one for Gil and one for Larry Hughes! (no one told mister drummond that larry left town and they hired randell jackson to impersonate him at cake ceremonies.) --------
(Deadspin is Brendan haywoods Middle Name. No not Dickmittens, the other middle name)
Well I SHOULD SAY SO!! Its a lifetime achievement award really. we started our website in 1980. we used an internet that was made out of an electronic SIMON game. If your internet simon beeped red it meant Bullets WON! If it beeped green it meant the lost! if it went yellow it meant that Kevin Grevey just masturbated! It was awesome and we were pioneers even thouigh the yellow bulb seemed to burn out alot faster than the others. We wore Mike Ruffin gameworns before anyone else. even before he was a basketball player! We watched with pride as Popeye Jones took his first steps, and then we recoiled in horror as he went through puberty! Thanks deadspin !!!!!!!!! 5.ANTISEPTIC BACON STRIP BANDAGES!!!!!
How are Wizznutzz not getting royalties from this????????:
We pionered therapuetic applications for foods. We invented the Ike Austin Cheezboot for godsake! The foot is a thermodynamic cheesemaking wonder! We patented Juan Dixon ANtiseptiic bacon dispenser (so antifreeze makes people retarted but its a tradeoff). And we trademarked the Juan Dixon Antispetic Rendered Fat Personal Hand Soaps but our big contract with Ramada Inn fell through because guests were crumbling the soaps on their salad.
AND finally we had meat bandaids ages ago. Our "Rasheeds Rash Rashers" ("ALL CURED!!(tm)") never got to market but at least they used real meat!
Meanwhile, with this new developemnt, Wizznutzz have written formal letter of appeal to PG County Psychological Crime Division demanding re-evaluation and release of Rod Strickland.
We say: This proves Rod STrickland is NOT A CUTTER!!! Cutters cut to feel alive and for attention. Rod just cuts for the BACON!!!!
We aslo sent a letter to the Roanoke Dazzle's team doctor DAZZ (hes also the mascot) because Bacon Bandages are retarding PJ Ramos' development since the doctors place the bandaids over PJs eyes during games to stop the bleeding. But as our readers know by now, DONT BE ALARMED, its not real blood, its simply cherry gatorade that Pete pours in his eyes before games since Puerto Rican pollution withered his tear ducts, but theres no telling that to the true believers who say Peter non Colpevole ("Virgin Pete") has STIGMATA!