Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Wizards playing crazyball: they beat Golitath, then lose to David, they beat Andray The Giant, they lose to Bernie the Pensive!!!
Which leads us to ... Southeastern Division Previews Part II!!!!!
CHARLOTTE BOBCATS
aka "The Bullets of the SouthEast"
The Bobcats have just the barest of ingredients of an NBA team: some kids, an old man, and a bus. Its like Gary Glitter's retirement!!
Charlotte is still an expansion team and we predict they will contnue to expand, like the corpse of a looter in the Biloxi sunshine. Being an expansion team means young talent and tired mules. Its means "work in progress", like a skyscraper thats only built 2 stories so far, but in this case is also a skyscraper built out of soft muck and yesterdays fruits. But these guys may steal a few games because they are playing for pride and free shoes. They have nothing to lose. Except games, and performance incentives, and pride.
Lets take a look at the roster!
In the draft the BCats selected North Carolina point guard Raymond Felton and eight picks later, took another former Tar Heel Sean May. Is this the same scouting-by-metrobus that wes unseld pioneered? Its so uncreative. Its like drafting Geobbels and Goering in your Nazi keeper league!
Raymond Felton is a safe pick to be sure. He will bring in hometown fans and be the subject of "everyone loves raymond" puns. As for Sean May. Sean May step right in and contribute. Sean May also buy me a shandy but it doesnt mean Sean May call my bean chute 'MArgaret'.
Kareem Rush has an emerging game. He also has an emerging habit for going to strip clubs. Thats cool all dudes go to strip clubs right? It's all part of "Michael Wilbon's America". But not all dudes tip the dancers with sliced meats. Tucking cured hash singles into the talent's panties is a big no-no!. What part of "Gentlemen, no meats on the ladies" dont u understand?!
Jumaine Jones. Jumaine Jones is very effective shooting from the corner. Jumaine Jones is a rutarded humosexual!!!!!
Rookie Alan Anderson has the physical tools but must want to do it night in, night out. He is something of a "tweener" who often gives up several inches. He reminds me of Steve Blake that way, but they have nothing in common when it comes to basketball.
Keith Bogans can run and shoot but can't pass. Matt Carroll can pass but not shoot. Melvin Ely can get undressed but cannot look at his own body in the mirror.
Gerald Wallace: Gerry on the court reminds me of the Gus Van Sant movie of the same name: a ponderous exercise in misguided minimalism hilighted by Casey Affleck slowly dying.
And what kind of a name is Gerald?! Gerald, Melvin, Raymond, Brevin, Bernard? Those are names for PEts not men!
Their biggest offseason gain was backup center Jake Voskuhl. I am told Jake Voskuhl is a banger. I was told it by an old choreographer I met in Coney Island. He was doing some kind of stretching on the cold sand. He was wearing rust colored tights. Or maybe they were just dirty. He also told me that "Merce Cunningham's dance phrases are just happy accidents" and that he felt "dry".
Voskuhl could be a deep sleeper. But Since Jahidi White was waived the players are having better sleeps in general.
The Bobcats have one potential star: Chukwuemeka Noubuisi Okafor, which is African for "God possesses excellent hands for a big man". This year bobcats will find out if they have invested in an Emekaman or an Emeekamouse. Will Okafor emerge as a franchise player? Or retreat like a thrushy penis into the foreskin?
And lastly, wizznutzz favourite player: Brevin Knight! Brevins had as good a life as a Hobbit could want. Hes smoked some good pipe weed. He destroyed the ring, when he won a championship ring off of Smaug in a poker game and accidentally dropped it into the swirling hot waters of his toilet bowl in Mount Pleasant. SO now he has gone to the Grey Havens aka the Bobcats to retire and to concentrate on his passion: running a franchise of furniture for children and tired hobbits.
Brevin has taken Rookie Bernard Robinson under his wing. Bernard was awarwded a jacket made from elven Mithril chain mail for being the franchises +1 PowerSeller.
Finally, the Bobcats will only go as far as their coach can take them.
Former Washington coach Bernie Butterstaff explains his coaching philosophy:
'We were searching,'' Bickerstaff said. ''They say a drowning man will grab a razor blade.
Who says that?!?!? Men who drowning in bathtubs?? Kurt Vonnegut?
Actually as a coach Butterstaff is like Kurt Vonnegut: his best work is behind him, and his surreal, tragicomic sci-fi fatalism makes him a really awkward dinner guest.
PROJECTION:
The Bobcats are a team looking to answer the question: "Are you my mother?" This bacon best cellared til 2009. 12-82
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
