OKAY so last night equals biggest event of the young season right!
The anticpated reunion of Gilbert Arenas and He-WHo_Must_Not-Be-Named for first time since THE SLAP. The Summitt was huge effing newzz right?
Well you wouldnt know it from Ivan 'The Terrible' Carter's game report for Wash Post. No mention of the pre-game touching of fists, the gentle dap of peace. In fact he only mentions them at all in last few lines, hidden after a really important profile of ... 6th man Jared Jeffries?!!! So Jareds 'versatile'??? Tell us more T Cart! N, we nominated Little Two to the Dwayne SChneider Utility Belt First Team last year!
I havnt seen such lead burying since cleaning up the morning after Qyntel Woods Presidents Day Dog Fight.
We'll give you a pass Carter since you are a new one in town and think 'Boom Goes The Wallaby' is a rice dessert at outback steakhouse. Maybe you just had an Ivan the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. But know this, this is KWAMES town. And if you want kwame you need us as your friends. Maybe you can send us some Postal Meats, and we'll let you behind the curtain (dont mind Mr Unseld).
THREE WORLD-CLASS SLAP INCITES
OK we promised to break our silence on Kwame. But Somethings are hard to find words for, like the look in Charles Oakleys eyes when hes on turpentine, only Chechnyans have a word that evenm comes close. But NBA analist Tim legler taught us if anything, that sometimes man must simply fill the world with noise and just hope. We were shocked like everyone when Kwame accused gilbert of betrayal .
Et Tu Van Winkle! !
But we waited to see the facts not like all the monday morning mule mouths who spat out their crisps they were in such a rush to be Jonny Judge. They screamed: "Grow Up!" "Bust!" "Sour Grapes!" "Touch My Costume Stack!"
Gilbert or Kwame --- who is bad??? We say both are victims. the blame goes elsewhere. Wizznutzz working on three theories as to what happened:
INCITE THEROY 1: THE CYCLE OF ABUSE, or "PASSING THE BAD TOUCH BUCK"
Fanzz of our site know we have well documented the systematic abuse of Kwame Brown by Michael SALIERI Jordan. They say Jordan is the High Preist of the NBA but when Sally couldnt dance anymore, he turned his bitter, poisonous jeaousy, (or as Phil Chenier called it: "The corrupt Pedagogy of Desire") on Kwame. ALong with CArdinal Collins he punished Kwame for his gorgeous naked optimism, and created for whole team...
CULTURE OF ABUSE:
-O-Town builts human 'faggot' pyramid, slippery with sweat and salty with Ty Lues tears
-In lockerroom there is brisk trade in Steve Blake Cloaca Futures
And he has begun to act out on others and himself. Because even in Los Angeles you cant run from shame. Ask Lorenzo Lamas what he hides under his leather trenchcoats. I can tell you its not his pride or a small mexican.
SO Kwame, he slaps Gilbert because of slaps he got : "PASS IT ON" , see?
And same for GILBERT ARENAs also. We told you last year about Gilbert Arenas SENIOR , how he was a frustrated extra in Miami Vice when Gilbert was a child, and when roles no longer came, he was fast disturbed, turning the motel room they lived out of into an exact replica of Lietenant Castillo's office. He made young gilbert practice lines with him using Meisner technique, repeating words over and over while staring into his eyes:
SR: "You got the money?" JR: "You got the drugs?"
for FOUR hours in a row (no blinking).
And waking young Gilbert up in the night yelling "Freeze, Vice" , No wonder Gilbert has probelms sleeping today and has hypervigilance issues. You would too if your Dad kept you awake loudly playing No Jacket Required and Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me" on auto-reverse.
And Miami Vice guest-star Ted Nugent would come around, and teach Gilberts Dad to go Bow Hunting to get protein for the BBQ, and onetime Gilbert Senior comes in with his sons dog "Sonny" --- he had shot it with a bow! He told his son: "I had to take Calderone down. We could never extradite him, it would be held up in the damn courts, he would have walked."
And Gilbert never even cried, but what happens.... years later he runs his two dogs, 'Tubbs' and 'Tubbs' on a treadmill.!! See how it works?
So this is a story about two victims, a Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants where pants = pain.
Lets Move on to # 2
INCITE #2: AGNES OF SHAMGODD
In some old eurpoean Jewish cultures, when a girl has her first period, her mother will slap her. Its not to hurt her but to give her a blessing for health and fertility, and a warning to guard her "gates" against premarital entry.
SO maybe Kwame wanted to congratulate Gilbert on becoming a man and warn him to mind his gates?
This theory is not as good as the first one.
INCITE #3: DAN FEGAN HATES THE JEWS
We are pretty sure Dan Fegan is too blame for everything.
Dan Fegan is Gilbert Arenas agent. And when kwame decided not to sign with him, Dan Fegan told Gilbert not to give Kwame the ball. FACT. That started it all. But Kwame was smart not to sign. He saw Fegan for what he was, an evil viilian, a PIED PIPER figure who traded on youth. Like MJ had his mules, Fegan had Fegin's boys, a band of pickpockets and B-list small forwards that he would abuse and put to work in the streets. Gilbert was his best boy, the artful dodger. But Kwame could see that Fegan was a pimp and a pied piper. And Kwame wanted to finally break the cycle but breaking the cycle isnt easy. Look at Steve Blake? He tried hard, when he started his nonprofit educational camp for rookies called "Soap Starzz" to teach them how to be careful in the showers, and not to have to suffer like he did, and he even made a Soap Stazz video with narration by actor Craig T Nelson, everyone was so happy for Steve, but now Steve Blake hangs around dark nightclubs and calls Criag Nelson "Coach"
Now,. people say the character of Fegin is "anti-semitic". Excuse me!!! no one put a gun to Dan Fegan's head and told him to trade young slaves and smear the jewish name! DAN FEGAN is the anti-SEMITE. He makes money selling boys and he hates jews.
He is the worst anti-semite known here since Phil Chenier, but it turned out Phil Chenier thought 'semites' were oysters so that doesnt count.
There is one way to break the cycle of abuse.
We propose that the goverm,ent put togther an independent INternational TRIBUNAL, and try Dan Fegan and Michael Jordan on charges of manchild endangerment. This tribunal has to use International rights laws, and have only the most respected and honest legal minds in its membership, which is:
1. The South Essex High Constablary, (under command of Constable Jarvis Hayes) 2. Judge Reinhold 3. ALderman George Unsled