Friday, October 28, 2005
Danas Back! yay SNaP! Dana - is oversexed FURY an advertised side effect of Valtrex???
So true, Salieri was on 60 minutes last week. He spent the first 47 minutes trying to establish an erect penis, and the other 13 catching softball questions from mister Ed Bradley, and pitching his new book: "The Old Man and The Shoe: Vol 4, the Desparate 16th Minute of Fame"
Some INCITES as I see em:
1. Yeah right, Ed and MJ, whats up with your little club of man jewelry?? the MANDNAGLES. All we needed was Ed's bedazzled buddy Han Solo, but he smart to keep his young whitemeat wife, CHicken McBeal away from MJ and his entitled touchy touchy. Dont u guyzz kjnow about SIerra Leone? !!?? Kanye West? !! Ronnie Mervis? !! Ronnie Mervis' brother Zed?!! Zed personally oversees the mine slaves. Ask MJ bout 'Diamond Trade' and his first thought is the AA baseball whores he got preggers with the White Sox farm team.
2. Michael Jordan doesnt care about black people
3. What happended to 60 minutes? It got old is what, like Salieri, its playing days are behind it. They never get the scoops. The only thing they find in a Spider Hole is a confused Morely Safer. Its pensioner-tainment, the warm turkey burger of news world. Andy Rooney crosses street for his BREAKFAST, young staffers press faces to glass and pray, he moves through traffic like in a deadly slomo game of true life FROGGER.
4. What happens when competitors who spend lives beating oppononents get old and obsolete? They sit at home and beat themselves is what . Also Michael Jordam hits his kids.
"Michael says he doesn't go easy against his sons. "In due time, they will beat me," he says, "but right now I'm taking great pride in beating them." "
Also Michael Jordan sits in a void.
The only truth the show exposed was:
60 Minutes caught up with him recently in Las Vegas at the annual Michael Jordan Senior Flight School. It's a four-day training camp, where middle-aged guys who love the game pay $15,000 to get the full Michael Jordan experience: to play ball with him, to get fouled by him and to get abused by him.
"What does he say to you on the court?" Bradley asks one participant. "It’s like playing against my son. You're a midget," the participant replied. " 'Mouse in the house,' anything to try to humiliate you."
With competition like this — against guys who play mostly on the weekends — it's surprising that Jordan even broke a sweat, but he did, playing with intensity, pulling on shorts and talking trash.
He also teaches the group what he did so well in the NBA — bending the rules without getting caught by the referee.
Thats the saddest thing ive ever heard in my life. So that whats its come to? I only had to pay $600 to go on that Bullets celebrity cruise in 98 and not only did no one abuse me, but i got to rub lotion on Coach Lynam.
But Shame on 60 Minutes for not asking any tough questions, such as these:
-God gave you athletic gifts. God gave you your mock turtlenecks. Did God also give you your sullen hate?
-Speaking of turtlenecks, You drafted KWame Brown with the Wizards #1 pick. Do you really think that it was approproiate to have him circumcised?
-Do you ever miss having a soul?
-Do you feel Kevin Bacon did a good job of capturing you in the movie "Sleepers" ?
-You say that you felt cheated by Abe Pollin. But why dont you shut your mouth?
-What did you do with Tyron Lues body?
AFter ZERO CHARISMA was done with 60 minutes, he went on OPRAH!
SALIeri and Oprah jhave alot in common. They have both turned themselves into multimillion dollar brands, and neither of them has had sex with their partners since 1993. MJ was there to sell his book but also to debut his new line of Air Jordan cloethes for ladies!!! His body is inaccurate, and no0w even the jordan brand is now a joke. No one wants your gay scuba boots anymore, the Space Jam franchise is dead cause the Tamsanian Devil got a tumor, and the guy who wrote your theme song got arrested for having sex witha child, and your steaks cause colon cancer and your nasty cologne is sitting in barrels in a New Mexico sand pit.
"Jordan by Michael" -- indded. Smells to me like "Urine by Deer "
MJ isnt the first Wash player to be on Oprah. Caron Butler cried like a baby a coiuple years ago.
"People were getting raped. You've got murders in there. … It was a bad environment."
SOundzz like Steve Blakes exit interview!!!!!
And Oprah selected one of the COnstable Hayes Mysteries for the Oprah Book CLub. I think it was "Constable Hayes and the Case of the Galway Sheep Rodeo".
Anyway, Charles Barkley came out in a blue terry towel sweat suit and everyone lauighed at him vfor being a dumb fat fool and felt better about themselves, and the ever-present grey moths cricled Michael Jordans grinning head, and then he read some entries from his Dream Journal, but all the dreams were the same:
In the dreams MJ is sitting at a giant empty oak table, eating beef, but then he looks down and his food has turned into Kwame Brown and as he eats Kwame Brown's body, Kwame smiles and says
over and over. Then MJ looks up and now hes waiting on a bus bench with Richard Mulligan from Empty Nest who says to him:
" I'm aware the days pass quicker than before, smell staler too. And once they fall behind they look like ruin. You have been here some time."
Then he hears a car coming and he is desperate to get away from Richard Mulligan, and he looks at the horizon for the car. They will pick me up and take me away! Everythign will be fine when the car comes. The car comes, but does not stop, and as it speeds by, CHico Debarge hangs his naked ass out the back window and Rod Strickland points at him laughing "HEY TINY!" then hits him with a cold potato skin.
Thats about it.
Oh and refree Ed Rush was in the audience and after the show he picked out some housewifes and gave them keys to Michaels hotel room. "The desperate love of sad Moms is so grateful" Jordan says to Oprah during the credits and they both laugh.
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