Tuesday, May 24, 2005
It was a great season for the Wizards and also for the Wizznutzz.
And Its going to be a great offseason.!! Everybody!
Things will be a little quieter here the next few months but we will be posting from time to time and we will be very busy harvesting our nuts for next year for an exciting new year, like bacon and wizards basketball, pure NRG!!!
WIZZNUTZZ SEASON WRAP UP PART 1!!!
The Wizards have learned from Steve Buckhantz's wedding night, and need to show the world this year wasn't a one-off fluke.
But that means the team needs to addreess some needs.
WIZARDS OFFSEASON NEEDS
The Wizards need:
-a big man who can hit the boards and still run the floor
-An Anthony Peeler type except not Anthony Peeler
-a tall forward with good hearing who has a bus license
-men with big hands and men with small shorts
-a Harlem Globetrotter
-a white type player
Also, the needs to pick up some role players in the draft.I know we dont have a first round pick this year but there are plenty of talented guys in the second round.
And the Wizznutzz have iunside information about whos on topmof our draft board.
Its BJ Elder!!
We know because sources tell us that Abe Pollin passed an note to Ernie Grunfeld that had written on it in capital letters:
"OLD MAN WANTS BJ"
Also the team needs to re-sign LBoogie aka THE COY MISTER, #1 Aplus priority. The team brain trust said they are hopeful a deal will get done but haevnt started talks. But Wes Unseld HAS started negotiations with the agent of Pervis Ellison about a long term deal. WRAP em up big Wes!
Also decisions have to be made about Juan Dixon. Juan always says his life has been about overcoming doubts and low expectations. So the best thing for the team is to challenge Juan by rolling up him in a carpet and shipping him to Mexico with no identification and see if he can fight his way back. Also Dixon is a fan favoirite at charity events, maybe we could sign him to a special contract where he only gets to serve turkey to the poor people at Thanksgiving and tell him, "Juan, people are all saying that you are too small to carve turkeys. They say there is no way you could carve 20 turkeys in one afternoon!!!"
For now though, the players earned a break and should enjoy there offseason. Here are some plans for how players will be spending their vacations:
WIZARDS PLAYERS OFFSEASON PLANS
Michael Ruffin is expanding his paper route! He is also a guest speaker at "Dome Week", the international phrenology expo in Prague.
Jared Jeffries and Brendan Haywood, "Little 1" and "Little 2", are taking their annual fishing trip! Because Sister Christian Laettner is still in the postseason, they had to find a new Chum Scoop. So they invited Peter Jon Ramos along and gave him an honorary "little" title: "Little Jon".
They also brought him along because he knows how to catch fish with his bare hands, and speaks like a pirate.
Jarvis Hayes is returning to Exeter.
Besides tending to his farm Jarvis will be entering his Fighting Goats in the local fair.
But most exciting for Jarvis is he will be graduating from the CONSTABLE ACADEMY!!
AFter he passes his final exam, an oral exam for which Jarvis has to sing Danny Kaye's "Policemans Song" , Jarv will be isued with a great coat, a peaked cap, truncheon, armlet and whistle and also given a small boot allowance.
Then he will be authorised by order of Queens law to defend his county from sheep rustlers, ragwort abuse and other "Barney Rubble" the rory locals may get into their heads to try and perpetrate. Juan Dixon was going to come a cheer on Jarv at the graduation but then someone told him about Foot and Mouth disease and plans changed.
Eddie Jordan will keep working on the Princeton Offense and also can be found Harvesting his Nuts Saturday nights at Hammerjacks.
Gilbert Arenas SLEEP!
and Steve Blake for the second straight year will be heading his pre-Draft rookie educational camp:
where he teaches new NBA players about what they can expect in the locker room on the NBA level. Including classes such as "SHower Ettiquette" , "Double Toweling", "For Enough Kools, No Means Yes!", and the popular "Chubbs, Chasers and Gainers OH MY!"
Past classes have been so popular.!! Carlos Arroyo says that the camp got him prepared for some of the difficult shower things coming ahead in his new career and gave him time to speak with his preist about lust and what God thinks of the "Forzados abrazos."
And Steve is in talks with a company about bring a line of VHS "SOAP STRAZZ" edutainment cassettes for teenagers, hosted by Craig T Nelson!!!
posted by Wizznutzz
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Juan Dixon is still scared of an FMD outbreak in Great Britain, even though they eradicated the disease in accordance with the requirements both of 9 CFR part 94 and the Office International des Epizooties's Terrestrial Animal Health Code? Juan's reluctance to yield to the considered judgment of American and international animal health authorities saddens me.
I think the team needs a Michael Ruffin-type player, but one whose jump shot trajectory does not remind me of a Spirograph.