Follow us at 7pm tomorrow LIVE TWITTERING the NBA DRAFT!!!!!!
We will have Fun-size Incites, we call em "FUNCITES" !!! all night long all night strong!!! all about the draft and the trade and our new BFF RANDY FOYE!!!
We are already working on the Randy Foye tshirt, check it out:
We have been holed up in the Mothering Hut preparing for our keynote presentation "Animated GIFS: How To Build Your Geocities Empire One Magical Pixel at a Time" that we will deliver at the sure2Be randy and moist sports blogging convention Saturday night in New York City! Check TMZ for the awesome upskirt photos of Dan Shanoff tomorrow!
But while we were away we also got into bed with the mainstream media!!! (John Feinstein called out "Trajan" while he made love to us!)
First off you might have seen us on Washingtonpost.com correctly predicting the Wizards falling to five in the NBA draft where they will surely look to trade down for Ledell Eakles Jr!!
Then this week we have our very own article about DC Basketball in SLAM MAGAZINE!!!!
What an honor! even if they had to hire a ghost writer called 'James' to work with us , its still a huge honor to write for the great Lang WHitaker. Lang said times are tight in the magazine business. you can tell because the magazine has a 2-page ad for the new Steve Blake shoe. Tru Fact! So in these times they couldnt afford a professional like Tom Knott cuz he charges by the metaphor. SO we were thrilled to get the call!! You can read all the whole article below. You will recognize some old friends, like Al Jarreau and Tony Icarus. We dont like to think of this as recycling japes but rather as shout outs to our loyal readers!
Go out and buy the magazine! Yes I know our arch nemesis Salieri is on the cover but keep an eye out for super-limited edition japanese cover!
But they pulled me out of the sack, And they stuck me together with glue. And then I knew what to do. I made a model of you, A man in black with a Meinkampf look And a love of the rack and the screw. And I said I do, I do. So daddy, I'm finally through. The black telephone's off at the root, The voices just can't worm through.
-"Daddy", Sylvia Plath
See I been a loser just about all my life Type that try turn a ho to a housewife
The color barrier has been broken! its only a matter of time until white men are allowed to play in the NBA!!
And Flip is bringing Sam Cassell and Sam Cassell's amazing face! This instantly gives us two things we need: a coach and someone who can beat Agent Zero in a 3point youtube shootoff!
Everybody is weighing in on the big news.
Mostly, people are HOT FOR TEACHER but there are also lots of top analists around there who say that Flip is just too Flip and that he will let Gil run amok like a free range chicken and that only avery johnson has the kind of strict, hard-minded nofunnybizness mojo to put Gil in his place .
Mike Wilbon sez it: "Arenas, it seems to me, needs a coach who's more hands-on, somebody not only willing to take him on behind closed doors (or publicly, if necessary) but a man who's eager to do it, a coach with a deep bag of mind games and a bit devious himself."
Tom Knott sez it: The emerging relationship between Arenas and Saunders lends itself to speculation because Arenas is accustomed to acting on whim.
and in between cosmetic procedures, Peter Vescey sez it: Saunders is far too normal. He had trouble gaining the respect and keeping the attention of a reasonably stable core of polished Pistons. Imagine trying to accomplish something constructive while suffering Agent Zero's histrionics.
SO much worry in the world! The position that was open was 4 "NBA COACH" not 4 "GILWHISPERER" or did I miss something???
Basically what all these gruffnecks are saying is: "GILBERT ARENAS HAS DADDY ISSUES"
That deep within Gils dome is a child in need of a stern father figure like Avery Johnson and that anything less is soft parenting and will cause Gilbert 2 act out crazy and start making Papa Dont Preach Videos.
Well for one this is rich that Mike Wilbon would flip like Wilson and pickett since he has been the self-appointed patriarch of all DC sports for 2 decades- the conservative, provident old-timer, emotionally remote, hard to please, loathe to express affection or support. He forced Dan Steinberg to sack race with him at the WaPO father-son picnic and then shocked staffers by beating him with a Joseph Abboud braided belt when they lost to Dan and Sally Jenkins!
Look yes Agent Zero has alot of issues. We wrote all about them a couple years ago in a epic incite called THE PSYCHOANALISIS OF GILBERT ARENAS.
But of all issues Gilbert has the one he DONT have is daddy issues.
He might even be the only guy in the NBA who DOESNT have daddy issues.
Gilbert got a dad and they are best friends. Gil Sr raised Gilbert Jr doing whatever it took to give his boy a good life thru hard times and times of soft relief and Agent Zero loves his dad right back and showed it when he was a little boy by helping him with Miami Vice line-readings and he showed it as a grown man by buying his dad the 57 Maybach from the movie 'Memoirs of a Geisha' and on the front of the Mayback it said "Payback" cuz gil is all good with his pops and if a Geishawagon tells u anything it tells that if Gil got issues they are Mommy issues, so if Ernie Grunfeld had hired Pat Summitt or Murray State golf coach Velvet Milkman then yeah we'd have a problem.
It was the 2008-09 Wizards that had daddy issues. and im not talking about Pamela McGee buying Bud Ice at tenley mini mart for nick young. LIke we said before this years team was a RUMP STATE - its a very real thing google it. They had no authorities in charge and it was left to them to raise themselves like Dickens orphans. they were a party of five, a pack of wolves, a tribo-juvelist cooperative (I made up those words)
Yes they had a Dad but their dad was like Dirk Benedict (i did not make up those words) in the movie ALASKA who crashed the family plane into the mountains and the young kids were faced with a harrowing adventure to race against time and nature to save him. They had to think fast and grow up and come up with a plan and work together to cross the wild and while they were doing all that Mike James slipped back into the plane wreckage and stole dad's wallet.
Then the boys pooled their belongings: 12 NBA per diems, a box of chew straws, one Connect Four board game, some mobile phones and a beat up Russian romance novel. When they realized they had no food Darius SOngalia started panicking big time and yelled "mankind is always just 7 meals away from murder" and put the Connect Four chips, 11 blacks but one red chip, in a pouch and wanted to hold a lottery to decide who would get stoned to death and eaten by the rest. Caron calmed him down a bit and said: hey we in the wildnerness this place is crawling with food, Andray you go in the bush and bring us back some brisket son. ANdray walked around an hour or so then got hungry and ate some berries he found and lay down and slipped into a cold sleep. When Drey didnt come back everyone started to argue abouit what to do next so Antawn divided the group into the "Biguns" and the "Littluns" and made a rule that everyone had to talk in turns and whoever had the conch shell it was their turn to talk so they passed it around and everyone said their ideas, Nick Young used his time with the conch to tell the first 40 minutes of the movie Gladiator and then eventually Gil made a ruling to shut down the conch once and for all because he said he was being misinterpreted. Then Darius started saying he could hear Rhianna singingto him on the rocks and walked into the ocean smiling and had to be dragged out. Then things really fell apart and everyone went really animal and order broke down and the Biguns waged a war on the Littluns and chased Juan Dixon to a rock pool and "whirlpooled" him and then Pecherov escaped the mob into the woods and Darius went after him and an hour later came back alone with blood on his face screaming about how he "killed a unicorn" and then Flip Saunders stepped into the clearing in his neat suit and surveyed the wild bunch and said i will take you out of here and the boys wept the weep of shame at what theyd become
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Next Commecial Dominion for Queen James: Beerwater!
While making the rounds of the Verizon Center dumpsters looking for discarded Papa John's pizza crusts (hey, it's the recession), we came upon this intriguing script for a new LeBron commercial. Though it was covered with Old Bay and grease, it was easy enough to make out the words:
[A basketball court, hoop to the right. Queen James enters the frame from the left, dribbling a basketball, then picks it up and walks into the center of the frame before turning to and addressing the camera.]
LbJ: Hi, I'm LeBron James. In between playing myself in commercials and spraying baby powder all over the place, I sometimes play basketball.
[Montage of LeBron drives to the basket.]
LbJ[voiceover]: And my experience playing basketball has taught me the value of taking three steps.
[Back to LeBron on the court, addressing the camera.]
LbJ: That's why, when I'm off the court, I enjoy the clean, crisp taste of Miller Lite. You see, the makers of Miller Lite take the time to add hops at three different steps during the brewing process.
LbJ: That's what gives Miller Lite its great Pilsner feel. In fact, I'm thinking about adding hops to every step I take!
[Bizarre drive to the basket on the right featuring a bunch of bunny hops and no dribbling, followed by a thunderous dunk.]
LbJ: Miller Lite. It's less filling when you drink it, so I can spend more time filling up the basket.
[Replay of the end of bizarre drive]
LbJ: And that's the power of three steps.
[Show Miller Lite graphic]
Voiceover: Miller Lite. It's somehow distinguishable from its competitors.
[Back to LeBron, grinning, with a bib on, dining on crustaceans. A little mallet is poised to unlock the sweet leg meat. He looks up and smiles.]
LbJ: Try it with crabs!
**
The Post-It on the front of this document says:
Should there be a ref patting LeBron on the butt in affection?
Or not in affection?
Maybe bring back Grandpa LeBron for an intergenerational hops thing?
Need to develop LeBron character more. What motivates him?
There's also a huge "REJECTED" stamp with a silhouette of Sideshow Varejao. But LeBron-Miller Lite is an intriguing pairing, like Spam and E. coli. What do you think LeBron's next endorsement move should be?
The death of the earth is trendy issue these days and the NBA has decided to get involved and dedicate this week as a week of responsible Edutainment. They have launched lots of great initiaties. For every point scored this week Chris Bosh will plant a cabbage!
But we have obtained a classified memo from the very offices of David Stern listing some green initiatives that DID NOT make the cut! - Halftime farmers market - Carbon neutral dancers - Self-composting mascots - Craig Sager's blazers will now use chemical-free dyes - Encourage teams to "draft local" - Appoint Robert Parrish as NBA Green Czar - Phase out road games - Paperless contracts - Weatherproof Charles Barkley - Sponsor a Chia Pet drive - Develop Legler Sequestration technology - Purchase carbon offset credits every time LeBron James travels - Pre-season games to be played via Twitter - Steve Buckhantz used to power Phil Chenier - Work with partner T-Mobile to reduce "Fave Five" to "Fave Three" levels by 2012 - Charlie Villanueva: now hormone-free! - When Gilbert Arenas runs his dogs on the treadmill, sell the electricty that is generated back to the grid - Visitor showers use recycled hot dog greywater - Fair Trade gameworns
Hop on the comments and tell us NBA green ideas you would like to see in action!
Wizards v Cleveland in April, there is nothing better in NBA basketball.
Dont tell me this wasnt a playoff game!!!! This had as much NRG and excitment as any of the playoff battles - just swap Soulja Boy with Didi Conn talking about kids getting scared by hairdryers and its a spit image.
Sure each year the Bully gets a few new cherry pickers and coach brown got himself some new lesbians eyeglasses but really nothing changed. As usual the Cavs came in so cocky, treating Wiz like they were Grooms of the Stool but the Wiz put the Pride Inside, the Soul in the Hole, the Mike James in a suit and rose up and shocked the world!
Wiz played with crazy fire, like a dog attacking the vaccum cleaner, diving for loose balls, hitting the rim, throwing their bodies into danger. Gil controlled the flow, caron policed the paint, and Twan dunked a ball!!! Nick Young and the Vale and the kid Marv ALbert calls "Blotch" all made big contributions off the bench.
But the tru MVPS where Haywood and Songalia
Haywood showed why we have missed him: Hot Toddy is an enforcer, and he isnt afraid to go at Lebron. It was like Mike Westbrook on MTV Bully Beatdown. He hip checked him into the foam!!!
And DSONG has always had heart and skillz of a great player, but unfortunately the body of a fat kid with cream cheese stuffed in the pockets of his waterlogged overalls but did u see him keep blowing by Wally Szerbiak? I know people from cleveland are used to White-on White crime but to us it was exciting and fresh!!!!
Nobody thought we could do it. Especially Charles Barkley who at halftime said the wiz "stink" and that they need to end the "experiment"of Butler + Jamison + Arenas. hey charles maybe u should end the experiment of Sliders + Cognac + Driving before u start talking!
When Michael Ruffin learned he had been traded from the Chicago Bulls last month, he and his wife, Mistye, rounded up their four children, packed enough clothes and belongings to get through the season and grabbed their jar of yet-to-hatch crescent gecko eggs before heading to Portland.
All of this after they found temporary homes for their bearded dragon, African spur-thigh tortoise, tarantula, three dogs, corn snake, hamster and ferrets...
...Over the years, Ruffin's animal collection has been so extensive he can't remember how many "pets" he's actually owned. But his best guess is roughly 100.
There have been hedgehogs, African bullfrogs, countless snakes -- including boa constrictors and pythons -- a wide array of lizards, salamanders and chameleons. There have been caimans (small crocodiles), unusual fish, and dozens of more ordinary animals, such as dogs, cats, ferrets, rabbits and hamsters.
The most exotic creature Ruffin has owned is a coatimundi, a type of raccoon from Central America, which he eventually donated to the Denver Zoo. He's also owned a few African spur-thighed tortoises, bearded dragons and tarantulas.
Ruffrider is DOCTOR DOOLITTLE!!!
All those animals but did you notice: no squirrels?!!!! As we have reported here many times Mike Ruffin only fears one thing in gods kingdom and that is the squirrel. He is terrified of them. Even at his wedding he couldn't stop thinking about squirrel attacks!
It is interesting that he loves other animals so much but hates the squirrel. Maybe this is classic overcompensation: he is hiding from his fears of one animal by surrounding himself by other, less deadly animalia? or maybe he is doing an experiment to show mankind what a divine exotic natural uptopia would exist on this earth if we eradicated the predator squirrel. OR MAYBE MICHAEL RUFFIN IS BUILDING AN ARK, OMG HE IS GOING TO BUILD AN ARK for THE END OF DAYS!!!! I need to get me a couple giant ferret suits to be part of the new surviver race!!!!
Its already our fave twitter site! And Its even better reading if when u see the word "Twinkies" you swap in the word "methamphetamines" and when u see the word "burrito" swap in the word "****"!!!!
Also on Bullets Forever: an Awesome Old Skool CWEBB Video
With name like Chenier I was expecting MUMBLECORE but its actually very lively!
The Cheniers will be playing at the Save Velocity Grill Benefit this weekend with the band Manute Bol, and the other band Manute Bol and those jazz fusion darlings "Eakles, Overton and Pack".
SPeaking of MNAUTE BOL, raise you hand if you want to click on something that is very great and at same time so very very very NOT great?????
OK then U asked for it. DOnt say we didnt warn you!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously we are warning you maybe dont click this one just walk away.
Wiggernaut 2 is kind of like Kanye, if Kanye was very gay and very randy and wrote graphic, truly insane queer fetish jams about a lifesized manute bol poster.
Can u imagine if you were a rookie in the NBA and your first day u show up and start rocking this in the lockerroom it would be the greatest day in history
Thanks to Washingtonian Magazine for featuring us in their "Best In WHite People 09" Issue!!!!
Its a great honor!
ALmost as excitng as when they featured us as one of "Wheatons Eligible Bachelors" in 02! Sure it wasnt "most elegible" and there were only 9 of us : the called us "The Nine" - but eligibility was strict that year: no drugs or diseases, no wives, no gang members, no goths and no confused elerly people abandoned by their familaies at wheaton plaza.
And now we even forgive Washingtonian for rejecting our investigative piece we wrote on the health code violations at Michael Jordans Steakhouse which they said was "journalistically meritless" and "too malicious" for their subscribers and that "the aged meatstink of past-prime vanity" was not even a real health code violation!!!! And they said that the busboys wearing Air Jordans was also not a violation and was actually a "nice touch" in their words but they obviously stopped reading because otherwise they would have seen the part aboput how the busboys HAD to wear air jordans because they got PAID in air jordans, not money! If thats not a violation of something then I dont know what. These are men not strippers they shouldnt have to wear their pay! Plus they would have seen the part how we said that these busboys have families back home that rely on their sending money and you cant buy food or pay the bills or build a house out of air jordans but then we found one busboy whose mother DID built a house in Honduras from the air jordans he sent her: luckily they were velcro models (defective Retro Lows) and easy to stick together but still while u eat your 23JumpSteaks just think how you are around the world making the story of "the Little Old Woman who lived in a shoe" come to life from a fairy tale to tru fact but in the fairy tale the old lady "didnt know what to do" where as this old lady knew what to do: get sued for 2 million dollars for brand infringement by MJs company and then die of asbestos poisoning from the tainted shoe-house that her own loving son paid for with shoes that his own brothers made for criminally low pay at a Honduras sweatshop only half a mile from the dying old lady: globalization is scary folks, and its real, realer than scott skiles
